Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The People vs. A Right Jolly Old Elf

Opening statements

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for being here today and doing your duty as American citizens.

Today you will see and hear facts and evidence that the accused did knowingly, purposely and unlawfully, send erotic and pornographic photographs of himself to several people, including Mother Nature, Cupid, the Easter Bunny and for reasons known only to himself, Bob from accounting.

None of these people requested these photographs and all of them feel, in some way, soiled, sullied and abused for having received them. These pictures, of an extremely graphic nature, now haunt the dreams of the defendants and have made it hard for them to work. The testimony you hear today from both the defendants and expert witnesses, will show how tormented their lives have become and how the monetary compensation of a measly $8 million will never erase the pain from the defendants’ lives. Although it’s a good start. Thank you.

Defense: Good morning everybody. I hope you’re having a good day so far. It’s a beautiful July day, the sun is shinning, the weather is mild and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. And even better, you get a small reprieve from the tedium of your jobs!

Ladles and jelly-spoons, what my colleague has told you is a complete fabrication. My client has never sent inappropriate pictures to anybody and certainly not to his fictitious peers, nor this “Bob” person.

To be honest, if anything, there’s a high demand for photographs of my client’s private parts that he has to fight off constantly. It has caused him considerable anguish that people perpetually harangue him to see that which has been reserved only for Mrs. Claus.

We demand that these charges be dropped and apologies given to my client, who is nothing more than a simple man, with a stomach that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, and who wants only to bring joy and happiness to the boys and girls of the world. Would you find such a good soul guilty of this laughable crime? I think not, and I know you’ll agree. Today, justice will prevail. Thank you.


Prosecutor: Please, Easter Bunny, in your own words, describe the events that occurred on the night of December 8 of last year.

Easter Bunny: I’ll…I’ll do my best. I was sitting in my warren, watching an old episode of Duck Factory and enjoying a Harvey Wallbanger, when out of the blue I got a message on my cell phone. I opened the message attachment…sob

Prosecutor: It’s alright Bunny. Take your time. Here’s a tissue.

Easter Bunny: Thank you. Anyway, the picture was of Santa Claus’s groin area. It was close up and not out of focus at all. Thank you 4G network! You worked too well!

Prosecutor: And how did you know whose crotch that was?

Easter Bunny: Because the carpet matched the drapes!! Sob, sob…

Prosecutor: Thank you. You may step down.

Testimony, continued

Defense: I call to the stand: Dr. Gustav Otto Olberov Christof von Hubberstein.

Dr. Gooch: Danke.

Defense: Dr. Gooch, here we have exhibits J, R and W, blown up photographs of my client’s alleged penis as sent to the defendants. Can you tell us, in your expert opinion if this is actually Santa Claus’s no-no spot?

Dr. Gooch: I sure can, and it isn’t.

Defense: Can you elaborate, doctor?

Dr. Gooch: You bet.

Defense: …

Dr. Gooch: Oh you mean now? Sorry. Anyway, as you can see in these photographs here, here and here, you’ll notice that the skin is smooth and unblemished. After spending hours personally handling St. Nick’s balls and shaft, I can tell you that he has a slight scar right at the base from a night of wild, experimental sex that he and Mrs. Claus tried back in the 70s. It involved a jar of honey, a razor blade and four…

Defense: We don’t need all the details doctor. Thank you. Please continue with other differences you’ve observed.

Dr. Gooch: You got it. Alright, here take a look at the scrotum skin. You’ll notice how droopy and saggy it is. There’s enough extra skin there to supply an entire burn ward at a children’s hospital. This is typical of what you’d expect to see on the balls of a really old guy. However! Santa is no normal old man. He’s a fairy, and as such the skin on his testicles is smooth and taught.

Defense: Interesting. Do go on.

Dr. Gooch: The most important difference is also the most obvious one. The penis in these photographs is uncut. Not circumcised. Weird-looking. Whereas Santa Claus’s purple-headed warrior is majestic in its full splendor and glory!

Defense: Thank you for that…oddly specific testimony doctor.

Dr. Gooch: You’re welcome! Now I’m off to perform a reverse nipplectomy on Justin Beiber.

Defense: I have no idea what that means, but good luck.


Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have spent the last six weeks listening to both sides as they presented their cases. And frankly, a lot of it was some weird shit. But it’s a weird case, so I guess it’s par for the course.

You have also spent the last 18 hours deliberating as to the verdict of this case. Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict?

Foreman: We have your honor.

Judge: Could you please read as to how you find the accused?

Foreman: On the count of sending lewd and salacious photographs of his genitalia to multiple people, including some who are underage, we find the accused guilty.

Judge: Thank you Mr. Foreman and members of the jury for your hard work. You may be excused.

As for you, Kris Kringle, you have been found guilty by a jury of your own peers. And I don’t blame them. What we have seen over these past weeks has painted a disgusting picture of an old man who has abused his position as Father Christmas. Frankly sir, I find you and your personal life offensive and would go so far as to say that you would most certainly appear on your own “naughty list”.

Because of the circumstances, I must sentence you to a year of house arrest, to be followed by a stint in sex rehab, until I feel that you are well enough to be giving presents to people that don’t involve your pubic hair.

Get this freak out of my sight.

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