I want to bang Janice the Muppet*

I want to bang Janice the Muppet.

I want to run my fingers through her yellow, stringy, yarn-like hair.

I want to caress the soft felt of her radiant cheeks,

And listen to her wail on her left-handed Gibson Les Paul

“Like, oh wow man!”

I want to hump Irona the Robot Maid.

There’s just something about a female robot

With a square jaw and a maid’s costume.

Richie Rich doesn’t know what he’s got,

And she’d beat the hell out of Rosie the Robot

I want to screw Blondie Bumstead.

I want to make her a big ass sandwich and watch her eat every bite.

I want to spoon with her backwards on a couch all Sunday.

Her classical looks and ridiculous ta-tas,

Make me want to meet her in the funny pages

I want to smurf Smurfette

I would gnaw on a mushroom, like Alice.

And shrink down to her size.

And if she didn’t put out,

Then I’d end up having blue balls.

I want to sexify Jessica Rabbit.

I truly enjoy her booby…traps.

She sparkles more than a lame-ass vampire.

I’d show her how funny I can be,

With an over-the-top lisping stutter.

I want to seduce Ophelia.

And take her to my castle in the country-side.

I’d yell at her uncontrollably, for no obvious reason,

Then manically cry on her shoulder.

Our honeymoon would be at a nunnery.

I would love all these fictitious women,

And make them my harem.

The Hef may have The Grotto,

But I get to have all the fun.

FIN

* Or, Fictitious Love**

**Or, Do women think about stuff like this?