Owner of a Lonely Heart

Josh: Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? That’s the topic on tonight’s episode of “Nosh with Josh” the show where I interview a panel of guests while serving them light snacks, because eat, eat, you’re all skin and bones!

(applause)

Joining me tonight are four very special guests. But first, let’s talk about some food! Over here, we have some prosciutto/ mozzarella wraps, some yummy looking canapés, and the always popular pigs-in-a-blanket. And, for those who enjoy getting their “veggie on,” off to the side there we’ve got a nice self-serve salad bar.

Alright, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s meet our panel for tonight! First off, to the left, is the original “star-crossed” lover, the one and only Romeo Montague!

Romeo: Thanks for having me Josh!

Josh: Glad to have you. Sitting next to Romeo is the debonair secret agent who’s bedded more women than most people have had hot meals, mister 007 himself: James Bond!

Bond: Pleasure.

Josh: Quite. In our third chair, you know her, you love her, (because you’re legally obligated), your mom’s sister, the lady who never married, she owns at least three cats and her house/apartment always smells like feline excrement…your spinster aunt!

Your aunt: Josh, I’m so very alo…

Josh: (Cutting off her words, which are just oozing with desperation and heart-breaking loneliness) didn’t mean to cut you off, just have to introduce the last guest.

When it comes to cold-heartedness, nary a person can touch my final guest: Mr. Freeze!

Mr. Freeze: I would thank you, but I am beyond such mortal sentiments.

Josh: Oookay. Well, Let’s start off tonight with young Romeo. Tell me Romeo, about your love life. It couldn’t have been easy with the brief existence you had on this earth. But first, how are those canapés?

Romeo: Simply delicious, thank you. You know, you’re right Josh. I mean imagine, there I was, faced with the dead form of the love of my life, I had no choice but to take my own, so that we could be forever joined in the hereafter.

Josh: So tragic. Especially when you consider that she wasn’t even dead! That must have been embarrassing.

Romeo: It sure was Josh…wait, what? She wasn’t dead?

Josh: Nope. Sorry buddy. You killed yourself for nothing. Which brings me to my next question for you: How did you know that Juliet was this so-called “love of my life”? How old are you anyway?

Romeo: Well, I’m…13.

Josh: Just 13? You’re barely even old enough to see that crappy Baz Luhrmann movie that came out in the 90s.

Romeo: Don’t remind me. And the worst part? I was wayyy more into Juliet’s sister. Hell, I didn’t even know Juliet existed at first. In the beginning I thought Rosaline was the love of my life.

Josh: So let me get this straight: a combination of teenage emotions, plus a supreme lack of life experience put you in a situation where you fell in love with the first girl you saw, then married her and then killed yourself over the course of a weekend? All before your voice changed or your balls dropped? And people find this to be the ultimate story of romance?

Romeo: Well, when you put it like that…

Josh: You sit there and eat some more snacks, you immature little horn dog.

Your aunt: Josh, I’d like to sa…

Josh: I’m sure you would, and we’ll get to you in a moment. But first, I want to go back to Mr. Freeze to hear his story. Victor?

Mr. Freeze: My story is one of woe and of the eternal search for redemption and happiness.

Josh: Do tell.

Mr. Freeze: I met my wife Nora while I was still in college, studying cryogenics at Hollywood Upstairs Medical School.

Josh: Good school. I’ve used that joke at least two other times in my blog.

Mr. Freeze: Blog?

Josh: Ummmm, never mind. Continue.

Mr. Freeze: Anyway, as I was saying, Nora and I fell passionately in love and after a few years of courtship, unlike the pipsqueak over there…

Romeo: Hey!

Mr. Freeze: …we were married and spent such wonderful times together. Sadly, as is so often the case in comic books written by deranged cokeheads, Nora developed a terminal disease and I promised to cure her. One thing led to another, yada, yada, yada, next thing you know I’m a super villain with an ice gun, a frozen heart and about a million really bad puns based around ice and cold.

Josh: How’s that working out for you?

Mr. Freeze: Can’t complain. It’s a living.

Josh: Good for you Victor! Sounds like you turned a negative, into a… a… a…

Mr. Freeze: Into a frostitive?

Josh: Ugh. You’re the worst. Next up, Mr. James Bond. Not many people may know this, but you were married at one point, weren’t you, Commander Bond?

Bond: Before I answer that, let me ask this: I noticed the salad bar (wonderful vegetables, by the way) but is there an actual bar? My throat is rather parched.

Your aunt: Well Mr. Bond, I do believe, that I have a fla…

Josh: Spinster aunt makes a good point, let me ask my intern Raul to fetch you something. I assume it’ll be the regular?

Bond: Indeed. Now, back to your original question, you are correct. I was married once, years ago. But tragically, after only being married for 45 minutes, I was forced to use her body as a human shield during a terrible drive-by. A scheme concocted by my arch-enemy, Blöfeld.

Josh: That sounds horrible.

Bond: Truly. And as those bullets tore through her gorgeous dress, leaving giant, ragged holes in her beautiful flesh, I knew right then, that I had (quite literally, mind you) dodged a bullet.

You see, I could have probably spent the rest of my life with that woman. I did love her so. But I knew that that would eventually get boring, and daddy would have to go out to find some new toys to play with. So by her being killed on our wedding day, not only was I free to go drown in as much poon as I wanted, but I had a great tragic story that was certain to turn any woman into a puddle!

Mr. Freeze: That’s some cold shit right there, man.

Bond: Perhaps, but in the end, you’ve spent the majority of your life obsessing over some vegetable, while I’m out there scooping up vaj left and right! And the best part is that they always eventually die! It’s the total commitment-free relationship!

Josh: But what about the ones that aren’t killed during your adventures?

Bond: I don’t think you heard me “they always eventually die.” I’m not a super secret agent/assassin for nothing, dear sir!

Your aunt: Can I get som…

Josh: You sure can lady. Okay, it looks like we’re about out of time, so let me end things by going around the room one last time to find out which is better: to have loved and lost, or to never have loved at all. Let’s start with Romeo: To be, or not to be?

Romeo: Wrong line. Wrong person.

Josh: Commander Bond, who’s idea was it to make Denise Richards a nuclear physicist named “Christmas Jones”?

Bond: I’ve been scratching my head about that one myself.

Josh: Spinster aunt, just how many cats do you have?

Your aunt: Thir…

Josh: I thought so. And finally, Mr. Freeze, what is your opinion of The Hunger Games trilogy?

Mr. Freeze: The first book is riveting and action-packed. The second two are the literary equivalent of The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions.

Josh: And there you have it folks, the definitive answer to one of the questions that has always plagued mankind. Let this matter be put to rest forever!

Join me next time, when my panel and I will discuss that age old question “What’s love got to do with it?” Thank you and goodnight!

(applause)