How to meet a celebrity

Have you ever been somewhere, say the grocery store, mall or alley behind a strip club, and you happen to spot a celebrity? You want to say something, but get so flustered and tongue-tied that you end up just pointing to your genitals and licking your lips? Don’t you hate it when that happens? Well I’m here to help. With my (not at all) patented techniques you’ll be chatting up famous people in no time!

The problem is simple: Celebrities meet dozens of people every week, hundreds each month and thousands each year, which means to them you’re just another faceless blob on the street, fawning for their attention. To solve this you must find a way to make yourself memorable, to stand out in their minds. The key is to approach them in a unique, but non-stalkerish manner.

Those two words in italics? Don’t forget those. Anybody can walk up to, say, Denzel Washington and scream gibberish while flailing at themselves with a homemade cat o’ nine tails and be memorable, (it has a 100 percent success rate on making an impression, that’s how I met my last three girlfriends) but that is probably not the best way to be remembered by the guy who’s banged Eva Mendes in two movies.

What you want to do is leave an impression in such a way that the celebrity will give you a call later and invite you over to their mansion to enjoy baby seal burgers and swim in their Courvoisier pool. Here’s how to do that:

1. Firstly, spot a celebrity. Without a celebrity present, none of the following steps will make a lick of sense.

2. Don’t freak out. Celebrities are totally used to people losing their shit in front of them. That’s not classy and it’s not memorable.

3. Don’t say the first thing that pops into your head. Because it’ll be something dumb like “I loved your last album,” or “can I have those panties when you’re done with them?”

4. Make sure that it’s a good celebrity. Anybody from a reality show probably doesn’t count because they’re lame and recounting the story later to your friends won’t impress them in the slightest.

5. Remember, celebrities have experienced pretty much every way they could be approached, you have to think outside of the box to get their attention.

6. It never hurts to open with a good joke. Celebrities like to laugh as much as the rest of us. But make sure the joke fits the person and situation. If you’re on an elevator with Forrest Whittaker, a racist joke probably isn’t the best idea, as you’ll be mashed to pulp by the time you get to your floor. A joke about dead babies to Gwyneth Paltrow, while hilarious if actually attempted, would probably make her cry (which would also be hilarious.)

7. If the situation doesn’t call for a joke, try something else. Have a friend of yours drive a car recklessly down the street so you can push the celebrity out of the way and make yourself the hero. Hire a homeless person to try to rob the celebrity so you can step in and save the day. You only get one chance to make a first impression.

8. If no friends or bums are handy, you might want to fake a heart attack or choking, to entice the celebrity to come to you. Be warned though, not everybody is a Good Samaritan. Pretty much any country music singer will just step over your convulsing body, while most political figures would probably just rifle through your pockets in lieu of doing anything helpful. Conversely, pick your helpful celebrity carefully. Tom Cruise will save you if your boat is sinking, but is it really worth the two-hour lecture about the benefits of Scientology that will follow?

9. Do not attempt to kidnap the celebrity.

10. Another attention-grabbing method is to quiz the celebrity about some minutiae from their past. If it’s an actor, ask questions about their “craft.” Most movie stars are dense and take their jobs far too serious (considering that they just pretend to be somebody else for a few hours and get paid millions of dollars for it.) They love to talk about their motivations and shit like that.

11. Learn an interesting skill, then show it off in front of the celebrity. Examples include knife juggling, farting or burping on command, escaping from strait jackets or mailboxes, ESP, teleportation or weight-guessing.

12. If all else fails, then a guaranteed way to meet a celebrity is by being a celebrity yourself. Famous people love schmoozing with other famous people and then posting pics to their twitter accounts or whatever. Being famous yourself never fails to work. On the other hand, then a bunch of no-name nobodies are going to be bothering you all the time trying to shake your hand or get an autograph. Them’s the breaks.

Follow these simple steps and congratulations! you’re now friends with a celebrity! What you do next is up to you. Sell them drugs, have a love affair, be an extra in their next show/movie, order pizzas for them. The sky’s the limit and the choice is yours. This is only a guide to meeting celebrities, not maintaining relationships with them. That part, my friends, is up to you! Good luck.