Owner of a Lonely Heart

Josh: Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? That’s the topic on tonight’s episode of “Nosh with Josh” the show where I interview a panel of guests while serving them light snacks, because eat, eat, you’re all skin and bones!

(applause)

Joining me tonight are four very special guests. But first, let’s talk about some food! Over here, we have some prosciutto/ mozzarella wraps, some yummy looking canapés, and the always popular pigs-in-a-blanket. And, for those who enjoy getting their “veggie on,” off to the side there we’ve got a nice self-serve salad bar.

Alright, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s meet our panel for tonight! First off, to the left, is the original “star-crossed” lover, the one and only Romeo Montague!

Romeo: Thanks for having me Josh!

Josh: Glad to have you. Sitting next to Romeo is the debonair secret agent who’s bedded more women than most people have had hot meals, mister 007 himself: James Bond!

Bond: Pleasure.

Josh: Quite. In our third chair, you know her, you love her, (because you’re legally obligated), your mom’s sister, the lady who never married, she owns at least three cats and her house/apartment always smells like feline excrement…your spinster aunt!

Your aunt: Josh, I’m so very alo…

Josh: (Cutting off her words, which are just oozing with desperation and heart-breaking loneliness) didn’t mean to cut you off, just have to introduce the last guest.

When it comes to cold-heartedness, nary a person can touch my final guest: Mr. Freeze!

Mr. Freeze: I would thank you, but I am beyond such mortal sentiments.

Josh: Oookay. Well, Let’s start off tonight with young Romeo. Tell me Romeo, about your love life. It couldn’t have been easy with the brief existence you had on this earth. But first, how are those canapés?

Romeo: Simply delicious, thank you. You know, you’re right Josh. I mean imagine, there I was, faced with the dead form of the love of my life, I had no choice but to take my own, so that we could be forever joined in the hereafter.

Josh: So tragic. Especially when you consider that she wasn’t even dead! That must have been embarrassing.

Romeo: It sure was Josh…wait, what? She wasn’t dead?

Josh: Nope. Sorry buddy. You killed yourself for nothing. Which brings me to my next question for you: How did you know that Juliet was this so-called “love of my life”? How old are you anyway?

Romeo: Well, I’m…13.

Josh: Just 13? You’re barely even old enough to see that crappy Baz Luhrmann movie that came out in the 90s.

Romeo: Don’t remind me. And the worst part? I was wayyy more into Juliet’s sister. Hell, I didn’t even know Juliet existed at first. In the beginning I thought Rosaline was the love of my life.

Josh: So let me get this straight: a combination of teenage emotions, plus a supreme lack of life experience put you in a situation where you fell in love with the first girl you saw, then married her and then killed yourself over the course of a weekend? All before your voice changed or your balls dropped? And people find this to be the ultimate story of romance?

Romeo: Well, when you put it like that…

Josh: You sit there and eat some more snacks, you immature little horn dog.

Your aunt: Josh, I’d like to sa…

Josh: I’m sure you would, and we’ll get to you in a moment. But first, I want to go back to Mr. Freeze to hear his story. Victor?

Mr. Freeze: My story is one of woe and of the eternal search for redemption and happiness.

Josh: Do tell.

Mr. Freeze: I met my wife Nora while I was still in college, studying cryogenics at Hollywood Upstairs Medical School.

Josh: Good school. I’ve used that joke at least two other times in my blog.

Mr. Freeze: Blog?

Josh: Ummmm, never mind. Continue.

Mr. Freeze: Anyway, as I was saying, Nora and I fell passionately in love and after a few years of courtship, unlike the pipsqueak over there…

Romeo: Hey!

Mr. Freeze: …we were married and spent such wonderful times together. Sadly, as is so often the case in comic books written by deranged cokeheads, Nora developed a terminal disease and I promised to cure her. One thing led to another, yada, yada, yada, next thing you know I’m a super villain with an ice gun, a frozen heart and about a million really bad puns based around ice and cold.

Josh: How’s that working out for you?

Mr. Freeze: Can’t complain. It’s a living.

Josh: Good for you Victor! Sounds like you turned a negative, into a… a… a…

Mr. Freeze: Into a frostitive?

Josh: Ugh. You’re the worst. Next up, Mr. James Bond. Not many people may know this, but you were married at one point, weren’t you, Commander Bond?

Bond: Before I answer that, let me ask this: I noticed the salad bar (wonderful vegetables, by the way) but is there an actual bar? My throat is rather parched.

Your aunt: Well Mr. Bond, I do believe, that I have a fla…

Josh: Spinster aunt makes a good point, let me ask my intern Raul to fetch you something. I assume it’ll be the regular?

Bond: Indeed. Now, back to your original question, you are correct. I was married once, years ago. But tragically, after only being married for 45 minutes, I was forced to use her body as a human shield during a terrible drive-by. A scheme concocted by my arch-enemy, Blöfeld.

Josh: That sounds horrible.

Bond: Truly. And as those bullets tore through her gorgeous dress, leaving giant, ragged holes in her beautiful flesh, I knew right then, that I had (quite literally, mind you) dodged a bullet.

You see, I could have probably spent the rest of my life with that woman. I did love her so. But I knew that that would eventually get boring, and daddy would have to go out to find some new toys to play with. So by her being killed on our wedding day, not only was I free to go drown in as much poon as I wanted, but I had a great tragic story that was certain to turn any woman into a puddle!

Mr. Freeze: That’s some cold shit right there, man.

Bond: Perhaps, but in the end, you’ve spent the majority of your life obsessing over some vegetable, while I’m out there scooping up vaj left and right! And the best part is that they always eventually die! It’s the total commitment-free relationship!

Josh: But what about the ones that aren’t killed during your adventures?

Bond: I don’t think you heard me “they always eventually die.” I’m not a super secret agent/assassin for nothing, dear sir!

Your aunt: Can I get som…

Josh: You sure can lady. Okay, it looks like we’re about out of time, so let me end things by going around the room one last time to find out which is better: to have loved and lost, or to never have loved at all. Let’s start with Romeo: To be, or not to be?

Romeo: Wrong line. Wrong person.

Josh: Commander Bond, who’s idea was it to make Denise Richards a nuclear physicist named “Christmas Jones”?

Bond: I’ve been scratching my head about that one myself.

Josh: Spinster aunt, just how many cats do you have?

Your aunt: Thir…

Josh: I thought so. And finally, Mr. Freeze, what is your opinion of The Hunger Games trilogy?

Mr. Freeze: The first book is riveting and action-packed. The second two are the literary equivalent of The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions.

Josh: And there you have it folks, the definitive answer to one of the questions that has always plagued mankind. Let this matter be put to rest forever!

Join me next time, when my panel and I will discuss that age old question “What’s love got to do with it?” Thank you and goodnight!

(applause)

How to meet a celebrity

Have you ever been somewhere, say the grocery store, mall or alley behind a strip club, and you happen to spot a celebrity? You want to say something, but get so flustered and tongue-tied that you end up just pointing to your genitals and licking your lips? Don’t you hate it when that happens? Well I’m here to help. With my (not at all) patented techniques you’ll be chatting up famous people in no time!

The problem is simple: Celebrities meet dozens of people every week, hundreds each month and thousands each year, which means to them you’re just another faceless blob on the street, fawning for their attention. To solve this you must find a way to make yourself memorable, to stand out in their minds. The key is to approach them in a unique, but non-stalkerish manner.

Those two words in italics? Don’t forget those. Anybody can walk up to, say, Denzel Washington and scream gibberish while flailing at themselves with a homemade cat o’ nine tails and be memorable, (it has a 100 percent success rate on making an impression, that’s how I met my last three girlfriends) but that is probably not the best way to be remembered by the guy who’s banged Eva Mendes in two movies.

What you want to do is leave an impression in such a way that the celebrity will give you a call later and invite you over to their mansion to enjoy baby seal burgers and swim in their Courvoisier pool. Here’s how to do that:

1. Firstly, spot a celebrity. Without a celebrity present, none of the following steps will make a lick of sense.

2. Don’t freak out. Celebrities are totally used to people losing their shit in front of them. That’s not classy and it’s not memorable.

3. Don’t say the first thing that pops into your head. Because it’ll be something dumb like “I loved your last album,” or “can I have those panties when you’re done with them?”

4. Make sure that it’s a good celebrity. Anybody from a reality show probably doesn’t count because they’re lame and recounting the story later to your friends won’t impress them in the slightest.

5. Remember, celebrities have experienced pretty much every way they could be approached, you have to think outside of the box to get their attention.

6. It never hurts to open with a good joke. Celebrities like to laugh as much as the rest of us. But make sure the joke fits the person and situation. If you’re on an elevator with Forrest Whittaker, a racist joke probably isn’t the best idea, as you’ll be mashed to pulp by the time you get to your floor. A joke about dead babies to Gwyneth Paltrow, while hilarious if actually attempted, would probably make her cry (which would also be hilarious.)

7. If the situation doesn’t call for a joke, try something else. Have a friend of yours drive a car recklessly down the street so you can push the celebrity out of the way and make yourself the hero. Hire a homeless person to try to rob the celebrity so you can step in and save the day. You only get one chance to make a first impression.

8. If no friends or bums are handy, you might want to fake a heart attack or choking, to entice the celebrity to come to you. Be warned though, not everybody is a Good Samaritan. Pretty much any country music singer will just step over your convulsing body, while most political figures would probably just rifle through your pockets in lieu of doing anything helpful. Conversely, pick your helpful celebrity carefully. Tom Cruise will save you if your boat is sinking, but is it really worth the two-hour lecture about the benefits of Scientology that will follow?

9. Do not attempt to kidnap the celebrity.

10. Another attention-grabbing method is to quiz the celebrity about some minutiae from their past. If it’s an actor, ask questions about their “craft.” Most movie stars are dense and take their jobs far too serious (considering that they just pretend to be somebody else for a few hours and get paid millions of dollars for it.) They love to talk about their motivations and shit like that.

11. Learn an interesting skill, then show it off in front of the celebrity. Examples include knife juggling, farting or burping on command, escaping from strait jackets or mailboxes, ESP, teleportation or weight-guessing.

12. If all else fails, then a guaranteed way to meet a celebrity is by being a celebrity yourself. Famous people love schmoozing with other famous people and then posting pics to their twitter accounts or whatever. Being famous yourself never fails to work. On the other hand, then a bunch of no-name nobodies are going to be bothering you all the time trying to shake your hand or get an autograph. Them’s the breaks.

Follow these simple steps and congratulations! you’re now friends with a celebrity! What you do next is up to you. Sell them drugs, have a love affair, be an extra in their next show/movie, order pizzas for them. The sky’s the limit and the choice is yours. This is only a guide to meeting celebrities, not maintaining relationships with them. That part, my friends, is up to you! Good luck.