O 2 b in Jers-E (or: Awww, do I hafta?)

I was inspired by a previous column I did about Maryland, my home state. What if I were to do a write up about all 50 states? I asked myself. Shut up and pass the scotch, I replied. And so it was.

I’ve been hither and yon across this great country of ours. I’ve climbed the highest heights of Diamondhead, on the lovely island of Oahu, and run through the swamps of southern Florida, trying not to end up as Bobby Boucher’s dinner. I’ve peed in Lake Erie, canoed through the mighty Pine Barrens and eaten boudain, in hot and humid Louisiana.

Yet, in all my many adventures and travels, I’ve only actually ever been to, 16 states, maybe 17 at most, (and by saying I’ve been to these states I mean that I have actually set foot on the ground, I didn’t just hang out at the airport drinking overpriced cocktails at nine in the morning, (although I did that too.)) So I’m going to have to engage in much traveling in the months or years to come, (or at least until I get bored of writing this nonsense). In the meantime, I will have to start with states I’ve already been to. First up: Ohhh, I’m scared to say this, New Jersey.

As I start, let me just say to everybody, I don’t hate Jersey, hell, both sides of my family are from there and I have many other friends who either come from there, or unfortunately still reside there. They know that I kid because I care. With that out of the way, Jersey is a dump!

What does one picture when one thinks of New Jersey? Dirty, scum filled shores, filled to the brim with your choice of

a) medical waste

b) toxic waste

c) industrial waste

d) dead Italians

Talk about polluted! Jersey takes up only .002 percent of our land mass, .03 percent of the total population and produces an ass load of pollution. (These are ballpark figures of course) Let me put it this way, it’s no coincidence that the Toxic Avenger, (a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength) is the only superhero to come out of the refuse that is New Jersey.

When I think of Jersey I think of quaint old-fashioned traditions, like being too lazy to pump your own gas, being unable to make a left turn from anywhere, Jersey girls with scary hair and no gag-reflexes, guidos pinned to the ground by the shear amount of grease and gold adorning their bodies and the weird idea that house construction techniques were mastered in the ‘40s, which is why they haven’t built any new ones since then.

It can’t just be me. Does anybody remember the state motto debate from a few years back? Then Governor Jim “The Catcher” McGreevey, was torn between New Jersey: We’re getting better! And Jersey: Have you had all your shots? In the end, they just picked Liberty and Prosperity. Which is a cop out motto in my opinion.

But there are plenty of good things about New Jersey. Firstly, they have the best cheese steaks in the world. I can say this without fear of reprisal from people from Philly for a two reasons. The first being that Jersians (I asked and yes, this is what they liked to be called) understand that cheez whiz isn’t actually food and therefore should never be accidentally ingested. The second reason is that Jersians understand the need for good bread. The quality and type of bread that is used can seriously make or break a cheese steak.

The second reason to like Jersey is because, ummm, they (wow, coming up with a second reason is hard!) that is…where they keep…all of New York’s sporting teams? I dunno. Wait, I got it, Atlantic City!

My favorite part of Atlantic City isn’t the streets that inspired the Monopoly properties; it’s the hookers! There’s a certain class of hookers that work AC. They’re sad, usually ugly and always drunk, but they’re hilarious! I could waste hours just sitting watching all of the scared tourists as they try to avoid these pros in a civilized manner. It’s not possible though. It’s like trying to find one person in Japan who doesn’t enjoy super violent porn comics. You can’t do it. So these tourists try to keep a stiff upper lip and a smile on their faces when they speed-walk past the hookers who are yelling obscenities at the world in general. It’s truly a sight to behold.

There are other good aspects to Jersey, but I’m running out of space here (and I’m lazy), so you’ll have to find them for yourselves.

Join me next time when I stick it to another state. So beware, those who laughed when I made fun of Jersey, for your state will be next (provided you live in Pennsylvania that is)!