I’m gonna lose an assload of readers with this one

I hate to say it, (no, that’s not right, I just hate that it’s true) but Americans are stupid. I mean really stupid. I’m sorry to insult all of my North American readers, but it’s okay, bcuz I didn’t rite it lik dis, u prolly don’t even kno wh@t im sayin.

Okay, that was unfair. Let me start again.

America, what the f$(# is wrong with you?! Have we strayed so far from the original purpose of this country, (which was to be able to legally have sex with family members if I’m not mistaken) that we have just become through-the-looking-glass reflections of ourselves?

Back in the day, America used to stand for freedom, equality, tolerance and extreme hypocrisy (because although we love to talk about it, our country has never embraced though values), now it just stands for suppression, knee-jerk reactions, jingoism, patriotic rhetoric, overly sensitive people, political correctness and a very large amount of douchebag tourists who go around the world to spread the bad American image.

Alright, it looks like this might turn into a rant, but I’m going to stop myself if I go too crazy. Let me just state for the record that I’m the least political person I know and I have no ties to democrats or republicans. I continue.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Imus. Who did he really offend? Did he offend the super-dyked out female Rutgers basketball team? Did he offend women with untamable hair? Did he offend hoes? Seriously. I want to know. He made a joke. Not a good joke by any means, but he didn’t do anything worth being fired for. There are so many things about that issue that piss me off, I don’t even know where to start. Was it really a racial comment? Maybe. Blacks didn’t really care for the nappy-headed portion of that statement. But I think the only reason it’s about race is because some people made it about race. Are there any white girls on that team? Are there white girls with nappy hair? Are there black chicks who don’t have nappy hair? Not every single woman on that team can be described as a nappy-headed ho, so why were they all equally offended?

I’ll tell you why, (which is good because that last paragraph had way too many questions). It’s because Americans feel the need to worry about other people. What Imus said pissed off the people he wasn’t even talking about. Those people felt that others should also be outraged, so they made a big deal about it. Then things spiral out of control until you get to the point where women on the basketball team said that their lives were ruined and they had to undergo therapy because those three words completely destroyed any chance they had of living happily ever after, (I love how they all shut the hell up the next week when Vtech went through a real situation. Kind of puts “nappy-headed hoes” in perspective, doesn’t it?)

The people who got pissed are the same people who are always trying to speak for others. They are the ones who try to explain how teenagers feel even though they haven’t been that age since cars had seatbelts. They are the ones who think that everybody feels and thinks the same way they do, therefore they have to get in everybody’s business. They are your parents, they are your friends, they are your co-workers, they are the people who like to believe that they are good and therefore anything they do is for the benefit of us all.

Let’s get into the next example: Alec Baldwin.

You know what Alec did? He yelled at his kid. That’s it. He yelled at his kid. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. He doesn’t need to go on a bunch of shows and apologize. He doesn’t need to quit 30 Rock, (that show’s hilarious and would suck ass without him). What he needs to do is to tell everybody to shut the hell up and worry about their own children.

There is absolutely no way that anybody can justify to me why they need to worry about how the Baldwins raise their children. So he called her a pig. So he didn’t really seem to remember his daughter’s age. So he named her Ireland. BFD! Besides, nobody really knows what she did to raise that ire in him. Maybe she deserved it. I bet you that the words he used hurt a lot less than a beating would.

Listen, America, (I’m gonna keep this short) just knock that shit off! Stop having knee-jerk reactions. Stop reacting how you think you’re supposed to react and start using your brain. Stop being so quick to get offended and start being objective. I’m not going to tell you to quit judging people, hell if I took that advice it’d be the quick death of Eighty-Four Glyde.

I have but one dream in life. That dream is for the audience of Are you smarter than a fifth grader? to wake up and realize just what the hell that show means and maybe kill Jeff Foxworthy.

If that’s too farfetched, then I just dream that somebody kills Jeff Foxworthy.