Monday, March 05, 2007

There is absolutely nothing worth reading in this blog

But if you’ve gone this far, you might as well keep going.

The other day I wrote about how you would kill yourself if you had the power to regenerate. I didn’t think about it at the time, but I would totally drink random chemicals to see what they’d do.

After watching this great, cheesy eighties movie last night (Night of the Comet) for the second or third time, I wondered what I would do after the apocalypse. Let’s break it down.

Before one can decide what they’re going to do when the world ends, one must figure out what kind of apocalypse has occurred. There are sooooo many ways that mankind can destroy itself, and even a few ways to be destroyed that have nothing to do with man (and to a lesser degree woman) kind. For example, in the movie mentioned above, a comet comes to Earth and its radiation causes everybody who isn’t shielded by steel to turn into red dust. You can’t really blame technology or the Manhattan Project for that one.

Other options include: Human-caused radiation (always a favorite), natural disasters (global warning? Seriously?), the Rapture (but I’m only going to deal with things that are theoretically possible. Ooooh, burn on Ned Flanders!), Nuclear war, super flu, cosmic events (Earth getting out of alignment or something) Super villainy (if Dr. Doom had his way) and Paris Hilton, (if you don’t think that she could cause the apocalypse, then you’re living in a fantasy world!) Oops, can’t forget reality television and that wonderful and tolerant ghoul: Ann Coulter. But those things will most likely cause the world to explode, so they don’t really belong here.

There are pluses and minuses to each option. Radiation fallout and nuclear war will naturally lead to zombies, which are never fun. Not to mention that the weather will most likely suck for a few decades and food will be scarce. I can’t really think of any positives to the radiation apocalypse, other than it could lead people to develop super powers, or at least cool mutations.

Natural disasters are usually the worse kind because they not only kill people, but they mess up the whole infrastructure and ruin everything. The only good side is that if you live in Kansas you’ll probably be just fine. Nobody cares enough about that state to bother with it.

The Rapture would be the most fun because once all the pious sticks-in-the-mud are gone, the rest of us can get down to some serious blaspheming. Sodom and Gomorra will look like Branson, Missouri compared to the offenses against God that we’ll be committing!

Cosmic events, like the aforementioned comet, that cause people to disappear but don’t mess with food or buildings or electricity are the best because everything is still there and useable, and there aren’t so many people around to mess things up. Same goes for the Super Flu.

Super villainy and Paris Hilton are both pretty self explanatory, so I won’t mess with those. Nope, I’m going to pick the Super Flu, just like in the book The Stand, by the only writer in the world who could be crushed to death by his own collected works.

So, the world has ended because of some super cold, whether it is manmade or otherwise. It matters not. The first thing I’m going to do, (once I get tired of checking out dead boobies, yeah I said it!) is hit up the neighborhood liquor store to stock up on necessities. I would naturally follow that up with a shopping spree at the nearest porn store, (including those movies they’ve got in the back and you have to know to ask for) for some quality viewing material.

I would probably be tired after that, so I’d make my way on the beltway, at 120 M.P.H. to the White House, so that I could sleep in the Lincoln bedroom. Once I awoke I would have to void my bowels, and what better place for that then the oval office? I can’t forget to wipe, so I’ll have the Constitution handy for just that occasion.

Next, I would take the time to read all of the top secret documents and what not they’ve got over at NSA in Fort Meade, and have a good laugh doing so. This would get me in the mood to take a peak into the lives of those I loved or at least tolerated, so I’d go to some houses to read diaries (do people keep those anymore?). This would certainly end in disappointment, so I’d have to cheer myself up by breaking into the evidence rooms of various police stations to see what kind of narcotics I could have fun with, (the war on drugs will be quite over once civilization collapses.)

Fun is fun, but I couldn’t keep up such a rigorous lifestyle; I’d get too bored. This would lead me to go to various gun shops to pick up some nice weaponry. M4s, M249s, .50 cals, grenades, Uzis, all that Matrix shit. To unwind I would blow up buildings and national monuments. Goodbye Washington Monument! Aloha Lincoln Memorial! Sayonara Graceland! Where you at World’s Largest Ball of Twine?

I guess though, that at some point I would have to search the country for survivors…so I can mow them down in a hail of bullets! The ones that escape the wheels of my obscenely large truck that is. If I ever get tired of listening to the voices in my head, I suppose that I could try and find somebody to talk to. But that’s at the bottom of my list. “Like my car? I’ve got 23 of ‘em!” is what I’d say to impress my new traveling companion.

What would you do?

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