Thank you Helpy Helperton

You nice people need to knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. I can’t help it that I am physically and mentally unable to care about starving kids in Ethiopia, so why must I feel bad because I don’t give them a quarter a day? Whales could disappear from the earth’s oceans tomorrow and all that would mean is that I wouldn’t have to worry about getting the Pinocchio treatment. I don’t want to feel guilty about that.

Nice people ruin it for everybody. They constantly do the right thing and totally screw up the grading curve. What’s the worse thing about nice people? The way they stick their nose in other peoples’ business. Let me live my life the way I so choose, please don’t try to fix my shit when it isn’t broken.

For example, something that has always vexed me greatly is when two people are gearing up and psyching themselves up to get in a nice bout of fisticuffs, when out of nowhere some Dudley Doright shows up and tries to get everybody to stop. Why must Dudley do this? The people fighting are not only not involved with this low-budget Jesse Jackson, but they are also providing a valuable service by entertaining passersby. Yet this unasked for Samaritan feels that they must set things right and bring about world peace, even if it’s stopping one fight at a time.

I also don’t like how nice people can be so inconsiderate. When I’m driving it’s because I’ve got somewhere to go. The fact that I’m taking a car instead of walking shows that I want to get to my destination with all alacrity. Sometimes I’m late and really in a rush. So the last thing I need is a nice driver in front of me. The nice driver is the person who lets a million cars in front of it thereby pushing me so far back that by the time I get to the light it’s red again. The nice driver is the one who stops at crosswalks because there’s somebody fifty yards away who look like they might want to cross the road. What foolishness is this?! That’s beyond frustrating. Sure they’re helping out some people, but at the expense of others. What they need to do is what the rest of us selfish drivers do, just go about their business and let other drivers worry about themselves.

I find the optimism of these nice people to be annoying as well. They are always upbeat and manage to find the positive side of any situation. They see the world as basically being a good place where everybody wants to be good and do the right thing. It’s not naïveté so much as a blind faith in everybody and everything being good. This is a fallacy. The world is a terrible place full of horrible people who, at best, want you dead and at worse want to marry you. I will freely admit that I’m a pessimist and a realist. It comes from a whole lifetime of observation and experience. Optimists are just people who haven’t been anally raped by life yet, (gee, that’s a bit over the top, even for me.) Given enough time everybody becomes pessimistic, the exception being senile old folks with Alzheimer’s, they simply can’t remember how crappy their lives were.

The only thing worse then genuine nice people are the fugazi nice people. These are the ones who are nice simply to show off how nice they are. When they do something nice they like to rub it in your face. You’re not going to get into heaven that way people; if you’re not genuinely nice then why fake it? You’re not getting extra credit.

Don’t even get me started on people who smile constantly, making the world a brighter place and shit. My head will explode.

Sure this blog entry makes me come across as Ebenezer Scrooge’s grandson. But that’s alright. It doesn’t mean I’m not a nice person myself. Not to the degree where I’ll be remembered as a really helpful guy, but enough to keep me from changing my name to Dr. Evil. I like to limit it do one good deed a year. I think that’s a good number. Not so much that people can just walk all over me and expect me to be fine with it, but enough so that people know that I am capable of the occasional benevolent act. Keeping the number so low helps with the element of surprise. I keep people on their toes because they never know when I might spring a good deed on them. It’s fun. Unfortunately I’ve already used up the nice thing for this year, so don’t expect any more from me in 2007. I saved up my good deed from 2006 and didn’t use it until December, then I was nice for a minute or two in January, killing two birds with one stone and getting it out of the way early.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hateful person. True I am filled with hate and anger and the slightest thing can set me off, but that’s all just part of my cache. It helps me to write these humorous, yet hatred-filled rants. I don’t actually go around telling people I hate them, that would be bad form. Instead I simply torture and kill neighborhood pets. It helps me to relax. On days when it gets really bad I just go around randomly slashing car tires and scratching paint. It’s fun, you should try it sometimes. And when things get too bad I just declare a jihad; it helps to align my chakras.

Have a nice day.