Friday, February 16, 2007

An ode to judging a book by its cover

Friday is once again upon us, and for people with jobs that means the weekend is the time to relax, have a good time and maybe go to the movies, (for people without jobs it means absolutely nothing, Everyday is the weekend to us!).

But, in this crazy, hurly-burly world we live in, we don’t always have the time or energy we need. How will you know what movies to go see? Which movies look good and which movies look awesome? Will there be some ta-ta exposure?

That’s where I come in. Using my patented system, (patented in Borneo, for the good that does me) I have figured out which movies will be sweet and which ones you should avoid. And the key here, as always, is that I haven’t seen these movies either. So, without further ado it’s time for more:

Reviews of movies I haven’t seen

Bridge to Terabithia: I, like many people in this super country of ours (America, motto: You’re going to embrace democracy and you will love it damn it!) was forced to read this book when I was but a wee schoolchild, knee-high to a grasshopper. Luckily, just like everybody else I know who read this, I don’t remember a bit of it, other than one thing: just like in the movie My Girl, one of those kids dies at the end. If I’m not mistaken the actual bridge to Terabithia breaks while one of those kids are on it, and in typical fashion, FEMA took to long to come and rescue the victim, who gets washed out to sea and battered by about a million jagged rocks along the way. Breaking every bone in the body and reducing it to just so much soft, mushy jelly. It’s fun for the whole family!

I’m going to recommend this movie for two reasons. One, the commercials make it seem like it’s the next chapter in the Chronicles of Narnia, when it is in fact, nothing more than two kids with extremely active imaginations and possible addiction to hallucinatory narcotics. The commercials are a total psyche-out and I think that’s funny. Two, the main kid’s name is Josh Hutcherson, which, minus but a single letter is my exact name! How can you go wrong with that?

Breach: In this movie, a sullen and depressed Ryan Phillipe, still trying to cope from the divorce from that fiveheaded, dinner roll-chinned ex-wife of his, joins the FBI, where his first job is to get close to a special agent, (played by Chris Cooper) to see if he could maybe get him to stop being such a meanie doo-doo head who is giving secrets to the Russians. Somehow porn is involved in this, which is always a good thing. But I think it might be kiddie porn, which means this movie is only going to appeal to Michael Jackson and those eight million guys who keep showing up (sometimes more than once!) on Dateline: To Catch a Predator.

I’m sure that this movie is filled with intrigue, suspense and a whole mess of scenes filmed under fluorescent lights. But I’m also sure that this movie is filled with shots of D.C. And I don’t really think I want to pay eight dollars to see people talking around places I can visit for free, (unless they have a fight scene at Ben’s Chili Bowl, then maybe it’ll be worth it) so I’m going to pass. If, however, you’re not from Washington D.C., or if you’re just a lazy tourist, (who needs to leave home to see things far away?) this might be something to go see. It looks like a pretty decent movie, but there’s simply not enough kung-fu or John Woo-style gun battles to hold my interest. This is definitely a great movie to bring a date to, because about halfway through you’ll both be so bored that making out in the theater will be your only option. If anybody does get lucky, be sure to remember where you got the plan from!

Ghostrider: Sigh, what can I say about Nicolas Cage? He’s in his mid to late 40s, he has a 22-year-old wife, (I’m not mad. Wait, that’s not true, I am. He should have just stuck with Michael Jackson*’s sloppy seconds and stayed married to Lisa Marie) and his hair gets crazier and crazier looking every time he’s on t.v.

Think about this: Cage was almost set to play Superman, in that whack-ass movie that came out last summer. How weird would that have been? Superman’s chest hair would be all sticking out the top of his costume, looking nasty as shit. He’d be Taco-MeatMan!

Anyway, this movie is about a guy who rides a motorcycle that can go up walls and has a flaming skull for a head. If I’m not mistaken he also throws flaming pumpkins at people, can’t cross over bodies water and is the bane of Ichabod Crane’s life. (Extra credit to those who got that joke.)

Eva Mendes is also in this movie, which will probably appeal to a lot of people, but I must say, she looks kinda manly to me. I mean, look at her strong and firm jaw-line, her severe and pointy chin and her four-foot-long nose. I find her scary looking, but that’s just me.

I have no clue as to the plot of this movie, but I bet I can make a really good guess. Let’s see: Evil forces of darkness are trying to take over the world/enslave mankind/unleash demons from the bowels of hell. There’s only one man who can stop them, a cursed and morose character with an affinity for two-wheeled vehicles and no working sense of the laws of physics. He’ll drive over some people, whip some people and drive around some more until the world if safe. Along the way he’ll make out with Eva Mendes while trying to avoid being impaled on her facial features. That sounds pretty good to me. I think I’ll go see that now. Ta-ta!

*Two references to Michael Jackson in one day? Either I’m starting to run out of joke ideas or I’m in love.

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