Saturday, March 03, 2007


Usually I write Eighty-Four Glyde entries on Mondays and Fridays. So I apologize for missing yesterday, but it just so happens that I have just enough of a life that I don’t always spend my time in front of a computer. A.k.a. shit came up.

I also forgot to do my February shout outs to everybody who has subscribed last month –in 2006 and 2007- so I’m sorry for that too and I’ll throw that at the bottom of this. And now down to business.

I was watching Heroes lat Monday, -as I am oft want to do- and a thought struck me: that hot blond cheerleader could have a lot more fun with her power than she does (so could that guy who turns invisible and that guy who can erase memories, but I think the applications there are obvious, don’t you?)

Imagine, you have the ability to heal yourself and never die, (at least so far, I’m sure they’ll come up with something on the show to negate that power) how would you like to die? Or rather, in what ways would you kill yourself for fun?

There’s what, six million ways to die? (not including marriage, the slow killer) There are so many options available. Would you shoot yourself? Jump off a really tall building? Drown? Oh really? Because if you would die by any of those means, then I would personally appear (that’s my super power by the way.) and give you such a pride-obliterating pimp slap that your kids will be born with black eyes.

Besides, Bill Murray already covered all those ways in Groundhog Day.

With a power such as this, imagination is the key. I mean, is there anything you’ve ever wanted to do, but were too scared to because you knew death was a distinct possibility? I’ve always wanted to drink mercury. I wonder what that would be like. Not a pleasant death, I’m sure, but it’d be fun to watch, (which reminds me of a great old joke: Did you hear about the guy who committed suicide by drinking varnish? It was a nasty way to go, but what a great finish! Get it?)

Also, I think I’d like to try jumping the Grand Canyon in a shopping cart. I think I could get some pretty good air, about six feet horizontally and a mile vertically. My last words? “Wheeeeeeee!!” That’d be fun.

I want to be hit by lightning. At the very least I’ll have a nice year-round tan. But if I’m lucky I could develop electricity-based super powers, (isn’t that always how it happens?)

Or, how about, suicide by cop? Straight out of GTA Vice City or something. I could run up in a bank and take people hostage. Then, when the cops show up, I’d run out blasting! A glorious death in battle with such odds would surely land me a seat in the hall of heroes at Valhalla.

Ohh, Ohh, I got it! I could engage in genocide. Then, when those meddling, do-gooder Americans came to execute me for war crimes, I could laugh in their faces as they put the rope around my neck. Classic! But, probably a bit over the top.

I wouldn’t mind taking my helmet off in outer space. That’d be kinda neat, but only if my head explodes, (imploding would be even better.)

Another fun thing to do would be to challenge everybody on the planet to a living contest, just to see who will last the longest. It would be cool until that last person dies, then I think it’d get a little boring. Is immortality a part of invincibility? Does one continue to grow older and older, yet never die? That’d be a bummer. Perhaps they will address this on the show.

There are just too many ways to die, I don’t know if I could make up my mind. Although, I guess I wouldn’t have to. I could just die a different way every day. Wake up, have a cup of coffee, check my emails then dip my head into a deep fryer. After that it’d be a quick nine holes, a short nap and perhaps a mint julep on the veranda. Yeah, that’d be fun. How would you go out?

On a different, yet vaguely related note, (cause I’m talking about super heroes here) has anybody ever heard of Bibleman?

It comes on every Saturday afternoon on one of those God channels. I enjoy watching it because it’s ironic to do so, but man! Bibleman is such a loser! It seems that his only power is to quote verses from the bible while pretending to fight with a neon fluorescent light. I get a great kick out of that. The weird thing about the show, (besides everything) is that it seems to be the same guy who’s the bad guy every week, yet they give him different make up, as if he’s another person. This would be great and cheap for such a dumb show, yet, the guy always does a really bad Jerry Lewis impression, regardless of who he’s supposed to be for that week. If you want to know what the hell I’m talking about, be sure to check your local listings.

I would like to take this opportunity to give a hearty thanks to everybody on myspace who subscribed to my blog in February: Loudin, Clara, Mr. Bukkake, Maxism, Nerg, Joe Kickass, Jieun, Band4MassCass, Jim, Irish Crème, Je Maverick, Napoleon B, Phatshady and Vince. Thank you one and all.

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