Loneliness of the Short Distance Runner

My heart was going like crazy. You know how you always hear those metaphors and similes about people’s hearts beating really fast and really hard? Yeah, they’re all true and the whole area is so saturated with sayings that I’m not going to waste my time adding a new one. Just pick one you like and run with it.

Speaking of running, that was what was currently causing my increased heartbeats. Well, at this point it wasn’t running so much as it was more like a controlled stagger, or perhaps a determined scurry. Between the salty sweat burning my eyes, my heart doing its best to break its way out of my chest and the fact that my feet felt like I had decided to take a stroll through a bed of hot coals, I was not having fun. And I was only 1.5 kilometers in.

What was I doing, you ask? Why was I doing it, you wonder? Easy, I was running a 5k race, for charity. That charity being “Tats for Tots” (because I firmly believe that every infant in America should have a tramp stamp.) Actually, a friend convinced me I should do it. He said it was a good cause and it’s great exercise. After he woke up from my bitch slap at such a ridiculous concept, he offered to pay me money instead. I can’t turn down a good bribe. (Be sure to take note of that. If I’m ever a referee at a game you’re playing in, it may come in handy, hint, hint.)

Sure I used to run all the time in the army. I’d run from chores, responsibility, accountability, etc. But it’s been a few years. I’m not the spring chicken I used to be, (what does that make me, a fall hen? And why a chicken? I’m a dude. But I digress.) I have a spare tire big enough to hide a shipment of cocaine smuggled in from Mexico. Which meant that I had to begin my training.

* Cue training montage. Shots of me doing one-armed push ups, squats while holding a car, pulling a train with my teeth and other such normal things that I do on a regular basis. Have “Superballs” by Insane Clown Posse playing over it. *

After a grueling 23 minutes of training, I knew I was ready. Which was good, because the 5k started in ten minutes. Which about brings us up to speed (get it?) to where we were at the beginning of this non-linear story.

I never realized how much my body is an old collection of broken down junk. Maybe people are on to something with the whole “eating healthy” “diet” and “exercise” thing. Maybe I should have treated my body better so that it would treat me well in return. Maybe I should have bought those steroids from that shady Bulgarian doctor.

Oh well, too late now.

I decided to fight on. I wasn’t going to let this measly 5k beat me (how far is that anyway? I’m American, I don’t believe in the metric system). So I focused my mind like a steel trap, honing it on my one goal. I concentrated on my destination. I willed my body to ignore all aches and pains. I pushed myself harder, faster. My eyes never wavering from the finish line. I had become the definition of running. My body and mind were perfectly in synch. I was an arrow, a missile, a rocket. Launched at a target and ready to complete my goal. I could not be stopped. I was the Flash, Sonic the Hedgehog and some third really fast fictional person in popular culture. Everything became as a blur to me. Time slowed, I felt like I was running through thick, viscous air. People looked frozen in place as I sped by them like a bus that couldn’t go under 50 miles an hour or it would explode (?). I ran through that finish line tape with all the joy and pride of somebody who just one the Nobel Prize for curing boob cancer, (you’re welcome ladies.) I had done it! First place! I set out to accomplish something and did it with determination and zeal! I climbed that mountain! And as I stood there, proudly, with my chest out and thunderous applause in my ears…

… I woke up. The EMT guy said that I tripped on my laces and the starting line and knocked myself unconscious.

This is why I don’t get out of my recliner.

New World Order

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I saw a vision last night. A vision of a Brand New World. A world that is divided into two separate and distinct groups. With an immense and uncrossable gulf between them. A chasm so large and so deep, that it makes the Marianas Trench look like a crack in a sidewalk by comparison. And it widens everyday.

These two groups aren’t what you expect. It’s not the haves vs. the have-nots. It’s not race vs. race. It’s not Americans vs. Terrorism. It’s not religion vs. religion. It’s not Christians vs. Atheists. It’s not even Republican vs. Democrat. But in a way, it’s all of the above. Because all of those conflicts, those differences in beliefs and appearances and ideas, can be boiled to the most simplistic conflict of all: Us vs. Them.

My vision is of the far future, but not so far that it couldn’t happen in our lifetime. This vision was of  a divided Internet. Divided, separate, but perhaps not so equal. Maybe SOFA passed and the government took control and created this division, maybe it was just a natural progression and aggression that’s been building up since the Internet was invented, lo those many years ago. It’s a fight that’s waged across websites, forums, blogs and the like. A fight that’s ruined many a friendship, broken lives and caused much ridicule. I’m talking about the fight between the “Grammar Nazis” (I prefer the term Users of Proper English) and the “I don’t care, I’ll write any way I want, what are you gonna do about it?!” Or, in their terms “FU. U an noBdy cn tEl mE how 2 riTe!”

The distinction between the two sides can be quite fascinating. The reason the UPErs enjoy spelling correctly is because it’s correct, doesn’t make them sound like idiots and allows people to take what they say seriously. The reason the other group chooses to spell the way they do is about as organized as the Occupy Wall Street movement. Everybody is in it for their own stupid reasons. Let’s see what the top ones are, shall we?

1.     I just never learned how to spell properly.

Is your life over? Are you too busy with your job as head of an important corporation to take a few minutes out of your day to learn the difference between there, their and they’re? No, you’re just lazy.

2.     I can write however I want. I’m not trying to be some kind of brainiac like you. This is how I write. Deal with it!
I will deal with. Just as you’ll have to deal with that series of dead-end jobs you’ll have for the rest of your life. I’m sure that’ll help support the two kids you had by the time you were 18. Oh, and that’ll be a medium fries. Thanks.

3.     I’m just talking to you, why do I have to be formal and shit? Besides, you know what I meant.
This one is my favorite. Oh, you’re just talking to me? I’m not worthy of correct spelling? You’re an idiot. Not only is there no respect going on here, but on top of that I have the extra work of having to translate your bullshit version of English. Thanks for that, asshole.

The thing about the immense gulf between these two groups is that there’s no incentive to reconcile. This isn’t like the Civil War when people on both sides wanted to bridge the gap. This isn’t like the Klingons and the Federation trying to make an alliance for the benefit of both sides.

This conflict is much different. People from all walks of life will be divided. Parents on one side, children on the other. Forget Gray vs. Blue. This is friends against friends. Siblings against siblings. Everybody against everybody. It won’t be rich white people on one side and poor blacks on the other. Everybody is against everybody else. Us vs. Them.

You’d think that cleaving families like that would be a good reason for everybody to find common ground. However, people who spell properly have no desire to purposely misspell words. That’s unthinkable and dumb. People who purposely spell like English isn’t even in their top three languages are too prideful and stupidly stubborn to use spell check, let alone learn how to even write their own names.

This is the future. Maybe our schools could change that. But it’s doubtful. I honestly don’t see how this Brave New World won’t come to pass. And I don’t know if it’s a good future or a bad one. I just know that’s what it will be. I before E, except after C, bitches.

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure Against the Breast Cancer that Joseph Kony is Giving Invisible Children

For far too long, we have stood by and done nothing as that evil bastard Joseph Kony has slaughtered billions of thousands by using breast cancer (and the fact that we aren’t aware of what breast cancer is) and he continues his reign of terror unabated. We must put a stop to that now! And the only way to do so is to throw money at the problem and post things on Facebook.

But now, it seems that even those two, half-hearted and pointless answers aren’t enough.

So join me, April 20, 2012, as I run a 10-k to raise money to fight both breast cancer and Joseph Kony in one fell swoop! For each dollar I raise, we can, TOGETHER, feel better about ourselves without actually doing a damn thing! TOGETHER, let’s pretend to fight things that we have no chance of beating, or that we just heard about a few days ago, (because face it, we all know shitty stuff is going on in Africa, that’s why we turn a blind eye, it sucks over there!)

With each dollar raised, we can stop the horrors surrounding blood diamonds… what? We’re not doing the blood diamond thing?... But it’s killing so many people and it’s a cause that we could actually do something about… No?... Yes, I know people care more about diamonds than the atrocities that allow them to wear the stupid rocks, but… Okay, fine. Maybe another time.

Anyway, join me on April 20, and together, let’s do the bare minimum so that we can sleep better at night, pretending that we actually did some good. It’s what all those dead people in Africa with breast cancer would have wanted.

And the Oscar goes to…

People always ask me, “Hey Josh, what movie do you think will win the Academy Award for Best Picture this year? Who do you put your money on?” To which I usually reply, “Sure, it’s 4:47.” Because once people start talking about the Oscars, my brain shuts down and I start thinking about interesting things, like wondering if I could handle the cinnamon challenge.

But this year, you’re in luck! I happened to have seen all 9 movies up for best Picture and am perfectly willing to do a quick synopsis of each, followed by my, set-in-stone, pick for the winner. So pick out your finest overalls and dust off your fanciest Tevas, because tonight we hit the red carpet on our way to see…

1. War Horse

War Horse is a tragic tale of loss, redemption and murder. Starring Vincent Price, Charles Bronson and Paula Poundstone as the titular War Horse, this movie takes place during the Trojan war, when large armies fought epic battles all for the sake of holding the tv remote. This five-hour long movie shows the journey Paula Poundstone takes from being a forest of living, healthy trees, to a giant, hollow, wooden horse occupied by soldiers who use her to enter the city of Troy and give everybody wet willies.

My favorite aspect of this movie is that it feels timeless and like an instant classic due to the fact that they didn’t use as CGI effects. Director Werner Hertzog believes in realism and practical effects and that shines through in this delightful picture. If you haven’t yet, go see this movie. It’ll change your life.

2. The Artist

The Artist is quite an interesting movie, if only for it’s bold approach to its subject matter. Staring a watermelon and three grapes, The Artist tells the story of fruit, long abandoned by the people who purchased them, who are forced to come to terms with that abandonment. Shot in real time, this movie is innovative as it shows the three-week process of fruit rotting. It’s powerful and will tug at your heartstrings, whatever heartstrings are, I’m not a cardiologist.

3. Midnight in Paris

The first thing you need to know about Midnight in Paris is that it takes place in Bakersfield, CA. Often mistaken for the pornographic movie One Night in Paris’ Herpes-Riddled Vaj, Midnight in Paris is actually the thrilling story of a man and a woman and their struggle to finish the Friday version of the New York Times crossword puzzle. Ned Flanders and Cher struggle to finish the puzzle while juggling the responsibilities of cleaning the floors of movie theaters. If you’re in the mood for a taut thriller with superb acting, in Korean with British subtitles, then this movie is right up your alley!

4. Moneyball

Moneyball is a documentary about Lance Armstrong’s battle and triumph over testicular cancer, and his subsequent sex-change operation to join an all-female wrestling league. The pacing is great and the story is brimming with good humor and much pathos. This is by far the best animated documentary I’ve seen this year and I can’t speak highly enough about it. Moneyball is sure to warm the cockles of even the grinchiest heart.

5. The Descendants

The Descendants is this year’s only sci-fi entry. Starring Diablo Cody and Spuds MacKenzie, and directed by George Takei, The Descendants flies us up into outer space where our heroes must do battle against the forces of evil, in the form of intergalactic postal workers. The special effects and make up are great, all the way down to Diablo’s double space labias. I highly recommend watching this movie after drinking seven cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

6. The Tree of Life

I’ve seen The Tree of Life four times and I have absolutely no idea what it’s about. Something about dinosaurs, trees and life. Also, I think I saw a hippo and a giraffe copulating in the background in one scene.

7. The Help

The Help is a foreign movie, straight from China and director Robert Rodriguez. It’s not often that martial arts movies become Best Picture contenders. In fact, I believe the last one was in the early 70s, the Dolomite sequel The Human Tornado. Unfortunately, it lost to Somebody to Shove, a movie about love and punching people in throats.

The Help, is about Bruce, a drug-addicted ping pong paddle, who fights his way through the Toronto underground, to get back the woman he loves, played by MC Skat Cat. The fighting scenes are very well choreographed and the action is non-stop! So be sure to snort at least two grams of cocaine while watching this to feel fully immersed in the action.

8. Hugo

Hugo is the coming-of-age story, starring George Burns as Hugo. Hugo is a young boy sent off to Christian Bible Camp one summer by his nephew, as a cruel joke. Throughout the movie Hugo has to learn important bible skills during the day and secret study the Torah at night, because he’s Jewish and Australian. Oh, did forget to mention that? Because it’s vital to the plot. Also, he has two left arms and he’s a robot with laser-vision.

I really liked this movie because I could totally relate to Hugo. He had all the problems I had when I was his age, Jewish and Australian. Then I converted. The ending is the saddest part, when Hugo uses his newly acquired Christian skills to baptize himself to death.

9. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is a silent movie about people who get off on rubbing on other people in tightly-packed buses and trains. Filmed as a mockumentary, this is a hilarious look at this disturbing subculture of perverted freaks. Featuring cameos by Michael J. Fox and the ghost of Bernie Mac, this story is great for the whole family and extremely funny and incredibly hilarious (see what I did there?) Rated NC-17.

Well, there you have it. A rundown of all the movies in this category and how good they are. Each one is a work of art and they are all worthy of being chosen as the Best Picture for 2011 (except for Tree of Life). But if I had to pick one to win, I would have to go with a film that was, in my opinion, snubbed and wrong excluded from the category, and that would be The Twightlight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. Go team Edward!*

*Just kidding, that’d be a cruel joke. I actually think that The Human Centipede II should win.

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

At the beginning of the summer, I announced the "Create an Eighty-Four Glyde" Contest. The deadline was Labor day and the prize was $100. I had many interesting entries and was very pleased. But there can be only one winner, and that winner is Brenda Armira, because I liked her topic. If you didn't know about the contest, or didn't have a chance to finish your entry, not to worry, there will be another one next summer. Until then, keep reading, keep writing and keep doing a third thing.

Here is Brenda's entry, unedited and presented as it was sent to me. Enjoy!

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

Ever notice how telling a lie is easier than facing the truth? Is this because people are so afraid of confronting the truth about themselves? I’m not sure but I decided to do some research regarding the topic, beginning with what a lie is and how many different subtypes of lies there actually are. Wikipedia says- A lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others (Wikipedia, being such a reliable source). According to the Fringe Benefits by staff writer J.M. Lucci there are 5 types of lies, Little White Lies, Big Black Lies, Distraction Lies, Fucking Lie (Male version) and Fucking Lie (Female Version).

Little White Lies, we are all familiar with. We have all told them and usually the lie causes no damage or is told to be less hurtful to a person. An example is; “Your outfit is pretty” rather than, “Your outfit is pretty but not beautiful enough to distract from your ugly face… “ oh, and “it would look so much better on me”. Another example is, “I arrived late because there was traffic” rather than, “I arrived late because I decided to go out last night and engage in after hours activities (wink wink) therefore having me hit the snooze button several times…Oops”. In my opinion, these are completely necessary when dealing with your newly divorced mother. My mother asked if she was considered a cougar? A looked at her and asked, “Do you know what a cougar is” (hoping it was lost in translation), she looked at me and said, “Of course”. I answered, “Yes”, because I needed breakfast before work.

Big Black Lies, require thought process and usually are hard to believe, they contain extreme exaggerations. An example is, “I arrived late to work because there was an accident on the freeway. There was a 7 car pileup so I pulled over to help a lady stuck in the car. I pulled her out just in time because after we got away, the car caught on fire. I received a call from Governor Swarcenegar and am supposed to receive a trophy from Mayor Villaraigosa appreciating me for my heroic act.” Too much! Every Californian knows that the governor only has time to raise taxes and impregnate the working class and that the Los Angeles Mayor only has time to do his hair. I swear his hair must take at least 7 hours; leaving only 1 hour to do official government business. In my high school days, I became interested in black men believing, they all came with big junk, to my surprise, they weren’t all carrying big black phallus’. What a big black lie?

Distraction Lies are lies told to refocus a person’s attention on other topics. These lies are usually told to stupid people with low attention spans. Example; you’re hair looks so pretty today (even though it’s the same hair style she’s worn all her life) in the hope of distracting from the original topic of, “why haven’t you paid the rent this month?” These lies are extremely useful to me when being pulled over by a police officer. Lets just say, having DD’s comes in very helpful.

Fucking Lies both Male and Female are lies told to “get some”. These are sexually based lies in order to seem more appealing (sexually) to the opposite sex. An example is, “I swear, that doesn’t usually happen to me” (after finishing a long 3 minute session) rather than, “I just wanted to get mine, who cares if you finished”. Another example is, “You’re only my 2^nd partner” rather than “I lost count after number 30”. Being a 29 year old virgin, I can’t really speak on this, except for that tying up someone while whipping them should really be done with furry cuffs rather than police cuffs…so I’ve heard.

During my research, I came across a wall post asking, “If you tell an ugly person they’re pretty, do they know you’re lying?” It’s people telling lies to protect people they care about, or is it? As a friend, it’s your responsibility to tell your friend when she looks “to’ up from the flo’ up.” Heck, if I went out looking like a “muffin top”, “un burrito mal envuelto” (a badly wrapped burrito), or I have 4 butt cheeks hanging out as well as 4 boobs, please, let me know. It’s not flattering in the least bit, in fact, it’s the only way to make DD’s look all bad.

A friend told me, he lies all the time when he is trying to get out of an engagement by saying, “he has to go to his brothers” or “something suddenly came up.” I asked why lie? He said, “It was mainly out of force of habit but also because his ex-girlfriend refused to go out and he did not want to sound like he was going against the “Bro’s before Hoe’s” manly code. I have to admit, I lie to get out of certain situations as well. Not a good trait. I should be able to say one of the following options;

· “I refuse to go to your party because your parties are boring and suck ass, “

· “ I refuse to go out with you because I don’t like you,”

· “I’m not going with you because you embarrass me with your table dancing in a mini skirt,”

· “because I married a man 10 years older than me and now his arthritis is catching up with me,”

· “I look like a muffin top today, catch up with me next week.”

All acceptable truths?

My favorite lie is, “It’s not you, it’s me.” What people really want to say is, “of course it’s you, your nasty breath, bad body odor, your disgusting habits, your poor communication skills, anti-social behavior and most importantly, you suck in the sac”. Just tell the truth! People will learn what they need to change and hopefully will be better partners in the next relationship. It wouldn’t be difficult, watch pornos, get more friends with benefits and if you have money, get the “relationship experience”. There is nothing like practice.

I think it would just be liberating to tell the truth, even if it comes with some repercussions. A lot of people will never get out of their homes, anti-anxiety pills will be provided to everyone and cyber communication will be the only means of communication. Sounds great!?!

I have come across many liars during my short 18 years on this earth and can honestly say that I’ve told some wild ones. Such as me being 18 years old. In fact, I would have considered myself a pathological liar as a kid.

When I was 8 years old I told a lie that got my sister in trouble. One night I peed in the bed, slept right through it and then pretended it wasn’t me. My parents questioned my sister and I (had they just done the sniff test the mystery would have been solved) but I denied and denied. Being the youngest and daddy’s little girl, my older sister ended up taking the blame, getting a beating and was also punished for 1 month.

Lies are told for many different reasons; the story told about me being 8 years old could also be a lie. I guess one, never really knows what can be believed…