Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

At the beginning of the summer, I announced the "Create an Eighty-Four Glyde" Contest. The deadline was Labor day and the prize was $100. I had many interesting entries and was very pleased. But there can be only one winner, and that winner is Brenda Armira, because I liked her topic. If you didn't know about the contest, or didn't have a chance to finish your entry, not to worry, there will be another one next summer. Until then, keep reading, keep writing and keep doing a third thing.

Here is Brenda's entry, unedited and presented as it was sent to me. Enjoy!

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

Ever notice how telling a lie is easier than facing the truth? Is this because people are so afraid of confronting the truth about themselves? I’m not sure but I decided to do some research regarding the topic, beginning with what a lie is and how many different subtypes of lies there actually are. Wikipedia says- A lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others (Wikipedia, being such a reliable source). According to the Fringe Benefits by staff writer J.M. Lucci there are 5 types of lies, Little White Lies, Big Black Lies, Distraction Lies, Fucking Lie (Male version) and Fucking Lie (Female Version).

Little White Lies, we are all familiar with. We have all told them and usually the lie causes no damage or is told to be less hurtful to a person. An example is; “Your outfit is pretty” rather than, “Your outfit is pretty but not beautiful enough to distract from your ugly face… “ oh, and “it would look so much better on me”. Another example is, “I arrived late because there was traffic” rather than, “I arrived late because I decided to go out last night and engage in after hours activities (wink wink) therefore having me hit the snooze button several times…Oops”. In my opinion, these are completely necessary when dealing with your newly divorced mother. My mother asked if she was considered a cougar? A looked at her and asked, “Do you know what a cougar is” (hoping it was lost in translation), she looked at me and said, “Of course”. I answered, “Yes”, because I needed breakfast before work.

Big Black Lies, require thought process and usually are hard to believe, they contain extreme exaggerations. An example is, “I arrived late to work because there was an accident on the freeway. There was a 7 car pileup so I pulled over to help a lady stuck in the car. I pulled her out just in time because after we got away, the car caught on fire. I received a call from Governor Swarcenegar and am supposed to receive a trophy from Mayor Villaraigosa appreciating me for my heroic act.” Too much! Every Californian knows that the governor only has time to raise taxes and impregnate the working class and that the Los Angeles Mayor only has time to do his hair. I swear his hair must take at least 7 hours; leaving only 1 hour to do official government business. In my high school days, I became interested in black men believing, they all came with big junk, to my surprise, they weren’t all carrying big black phallus’. What a big black lie?

Distraction Lies are lies told to refocus a person’s attention on other topics. These lies are usually told to stupid people with low attention spans. Example; you’re hair looks so pretty today (even though it’s the same hair style she’s worn all her life) in the hope of distracting from the original topic of, “why haven’t you paid the rent this month?” These lies are extremely useful to me when being pulled over by a police officer. Lets just say, having DD’s comes in very helpful.

Fucking Lies both Male and Female are lies told to “get some”. These are sexually based lies in order to seem more appealing (sexually) to the opposite sex. An example is, “I swear, that doesn’t usually happen to me” (after finishing a long 3 minute session) rather than, “I just wanted to get mine, who cares if you finished”. Another example is, “You’re only my 2^nd partner” rather than “I lost count after number 30”. Being a 29 year old virgin, I can’t really speak on this, except for that tying up someone while whipping them should really be done with furry cuffs rather than police cuffs…so I’ve heard.

During my research, I came across a wall post asking, “If you tell an ugly person they’re pretty, do they know you’re lying?” It’s people telling lies to protect people they care about, or is it? As a friend, it’s your responsibility to tell your friend when she looks “to’ up from the flo’ up.” Heck, if I went out looking like a “muffin top”, “un burrito mal envuelto” (a badly wrapped burrito), or I have 4 butt cheeks hanging out as well as 4 boobs, please, let me know. It’s not flattering in the least bit, in fact, it’s the only way to make DD’s look all bad.

A friend told me, he lies all the time when he is trying to get out of an engagement by saying, “he has to go to his brothers” or “something suddenly came up.” I asked why lie? He said, “It was mainly out of force of habit but also because his ex-girlfriend refused to go out and he did not want to sound like he was going against the “Bro’s before Hoe’s” manly code. I have to admit, I lie to get out of certain situations as well. Not a good trait. I should be able to say one of the following options;

· “I refuse to go to your party because your parties are boring and suck ass, “

· “ I refuse to go out with you because I don’t like you,”

· “I’m not going with you because you embarrass me with your table dancing in a mini skirt,”

· “because I married a man 10 years older than me and now his arthritis is catching up with me,”

· “I look like a muffin top today, catch up with me next week.”

All acceptable truths?

My favorite lie is, “It’s not you, it’s me.” What people really want to say is, “of course it’s you, your nasty breath, bad body odor, your disgusting habits, your poor communication skills, anti-social behavior and most importantly, you suck in the sac”. Just tell the truth! People will learn what they need to change and hopefully will be better partners in the next relationship. It wouldn’t be difficult, watch pornos, get more friends with benefits and if you have money, get the “relationship experience”. There is nothing like practice.

I think it would just be liberating to tell the truth, even if it comes with some repercussions. A lot of people will never get out of their homes, anti-anxiety pills will be provided to everyone and cyber communication will be the only means of communication. Sounds great!?!

I have come across many liars during my short 18 years on this earth and can honestly say that I’ve told some wild ones. Such as me being 18 years old. In fact, I would have considered myself a pathological liar as a kid.

When I was 8 years old I told a lie that got my sister in trouble. One night I peed in the bed, slept right through it and then pretended it wasn’t me. My parents questioned my sister and I (had they just done the sniff test the mystery would have been solved) but I denied and denied. Being the youngest and daddy’s little girl, my older sister ended up taking the blame, getting a beating and was also punished for 1 month.

Lies are told for many different reasons; the story told about me being 8 years old could also be a lie. I guess one, never really knows what can be believed…