Moisturizing for Dummies

This is an article I wrote a little while back for a newspaper, that was never picked up. So I figured somebody should get to read it anyway!. Names have been changed to protect the ashy.

I’m guilty, I admit it.  I’m ashamed, but I’m ready to admit my mistake and move forward.

I have recently been informed that I’ve been slacking far too much on my lotion game. In that I don’t moisturize and I really should, considering that I’m only growing older. Now, that’s not to say that I have skin the texture of 40 grit sandpaper, but time and gravity make fools of us all. A friend of mine took great pains in telling me all this.

“You need to lotion up every day!” Dana said, emphasizing each word with a clap of her hands.

“But I’m a guy! Like, every day?” I uttered.

“Every. Single. Day.” She said. “Even guys.”

“What parts?” I asked squeamishly.

“Your entire body,” she replied, eyes rolling in surprise at my ignorance.

And that’s when it hit me: I was entirely ignorant of the world of lotioning. So I decided to do some research. I needed to delve deeper into the viscous, goopy, velvety world of lotions. The first thing to do was to figure out why using lotion is important for men as well as women.

“Lotion is of critical importance to prevent that uncomfortable itchy feeling that comes from dry skin,” said Reed. “In my youth I had a skin condition where if my skin was dry, it was really pronounced. It looked like leopard spots.”

“I think it’s part of normal hygiene and from that perspective it’s important,” Kim said.

“Ash is whack!” proclaimed Kristen. “Who wants to get scratched holding hands on a romantic stroll through the park, or cut by sandpaper feet under the covers?”

There is no shortage of lotions on the market available to guys. A short jaunt down the lotion aisle of your local drug store will introduce you to a plethora of lotion options. There are lotions to rejuvenate, balms to tighten skin, ointments to get rid of dark spots, creams to moisturize, salves to make wrinkles disappear, preparations for pimples and palliatives for your pallor.

And if that wasn’t mind-boggling enough, then you have to sort through scented and unscented creams. As a guy, I felt that I needed to defer to the fairer sex for the best way to tackle this situation.

“I prefer light, manly scents. Something that doesn’t conflict with his cologne,” Nicole said. “My opinion is it’s better to be unscented than to smell like a cheap man.”

“Light, neutral scents are fine (on a man) but overly-scented or floral are definitely out. I’m prone to very simple and basic ones, like shea butter or soap,” Kim said. “I find that heavy scents make my head hurt, I think it’s a sinus trigger. I don’t like scents that linger.”

It seemed that lightly perfumed, manly-scented lotions were the way to go. Smells like pine, or cocoa butter, or fir, or leather, perhaps evergreen or even conifer, were preferable. But nothing that smelled fruity or flowery. Next, I needed to learn where and when men typically apply, or should apply, lotion.

“I do mostly upper body. In the winter, I make a more concerted effort to get my legs, “Reed said.

“Lotion application is following a shower and once I’m completely dry. Or in most cases, I use lotion at work.”

“My ex usually applied to his face, head, arms and hands every morning after he showed.” Cherry said.

“Jeremiah uses lotion daily, usually after his shower and he applies to his arms and legs most of the time,” Nicole said.

“It’s typically after a shower. Ryan does lotion his hands more often during the winter months.” 

Kristen said. “There should be some pride in general appearance.”

“I use it when I need it,” said Juan. “After a shower or before I get dressed. Face lotion after I shave, hand lotion whenever I need it.”

On the other, unlotioned hand, some people see the lotion industry as a trap they refuse to fall into.

“Lotion is important for most people, but for all the wrong reasons in my opinion. The personal hygiene industry has been telling us that no one will be with you if you don’t smell like an Irish spring or some other nonsense most of our lives,” Mike offered. “The human body usually produces the oil it needs to stay healthy. If you’re always washing away the natural oils that your body secretes, you’re going to need lotion more often.”

After exhaustive research, I discovered that guys, regardless of age, race or geographical location, should invest in a bottle or tube of lotion. Something that invigorates the skin with essential oils and nutrients. Something lightly-scented that smells like you just rubbed a Christmas tree all over your body. A heavier cream in the winter to combat dry skin and the always annoying winter itch that people get, and a lighter cream in other seasons.

Guys should attempt to moisturize after showers, while still damp. Also, the lotion should be rubbed in deeply so that it doesn’t end up being too greasy or slippery. Nobody likes a person with the faint sheen of lubricant all over them.

Armed with my newfound knowledge, I vow to go forth to live a moister, more smooth life and to spread the good word of lotion to other men, like some sort of Johnny Lotionseed.