“Hello?”
“Hello. Welcome to Nefericorps. What can I do for you today
sir?”
“Ummmm, yeah, hi. My name is The Distributor and I’m here to
renew my registration?”
“Okay sir. Do you have you filled out your JW1979, THX1138,
ABC123 and the rest of the forms required?”
“My what?”
“Sir. Mr. Disputer? You need to have those forms filled out
in order to renew your Super Villain registration.”
“It’s The Distributor, and about that…”
“We also need a blood sample, a urine sample, a hair sample,
a tooth (for postmortem identification purposes) your first-born son and a
permission slip signed by my mother.”
“By your moth…? Listen, that seems a bit extra for a
simple renewal. Don’t you have all that stuff on file from when I first
actually applied?”
“According to our records Mr. Discotheque, you first
registered in 1999. So not only is everything on file out of date (including
your son, who got a job and moved away, but he does send the occasional
postcard) but after the ‘Diabolic Uprising of ‘15’ Nerfericorps came under new
management and many of our processes and procedures changed. Including
registration and renewal. Amongst other things.”
“Like what?”
“Well, under our new rating system, you probably wouldn’t be
a 4 anymore.”
“An upgrade? That’s great news! What am I, a 7 or 8 as I
rightfully deserve? Do I finally get to fight the Paladin?!”
“No sir. A downgrade. You’d be a 2. In fact, if you complete
your renewal today, we should be able to set you up with a confrontation with The
Canker by the end of the week. So that’s good news.”
“The Canker? You dare suggest that I, the mighty
Distributor, Bane of the Virtuous, Scourge of the Benevolent, Walker of the
Jays, fight the likes of a guy with a contagious mouth? I would never stoop so
low!”
“Well, Mr. Disasterous…”
“The Distributor!”
“Well Mr. The Distributor, The Canker is the only
available person in your category who is open for the next few weeks. So you
can either fight him, or you can simply not renew your registration.”
“Yeah! I might just do that! Go rogue. Hit the streets like
villains were intended. I don’t know why we unionized in the first place. It’s
dumb. You guys just steal my money for nothing!”
“Bingo genius. We’re villains. That’s what we do.”
“Alright then…what’s your name again?”
“I never said it the first time, but if you read my nametag
sir, you’ll see that my name is Gene.”
“Gene? Hmmm…Gene. That sounds familiar.”
“It’s an extremely popular name. All the LA heartthrobs have
it. Now if there’s nothing else, you’re holding up the line. The gentleman
behind you…”
“My name is
Fluorescent Man.”
“The Fluorescent Man, (great name by the way, very
memorable) needs our services. Please move out of the way or I’ll call over my
coworker Dr. Brooks.”
“I remember you now! You’re the ass I spoke to on the phone
six years ago when I was trying to schedule a fight with the Paladin! You
couldn’t get my name right back then either!”
“Very possible sir. I talk to many villains, both memorable
and forgettable alike. I guess you fall into the latter.”
“Listen you clip-on-tie-wearing, ink-stain-on-your-pocket-having,
hairstyle-looking-like-he-just-got-into-90s-episodes-of-ER-George-Clooney-cut-sporting,
face-like-a-melting-fetus-left-in-the-local-dump-for-a-week-in-August-looking, smegma-dipped-in-horseshit-smelling
bureaucrat: this isn’t over. I’m going to get all my shit renewed and then I’m
going to come back and deliver upon you a torture so slow, so painful, so
deliberate, that not only will it be a masterclass on how to fully demoralize
your enemy and steal their soul, but it will have you wishing you could travel
back in time and kill your mom Terminator style so you were never born and
would not have to endure such misery!”
“Ok sir. Have a nice day. NEXT!”
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