Well, it sure as hell
took me long enough, but we’re finally here! My 300th Eighty-Four Glyde
entry. You’ve come a long way baby! Of course it took my lazy, thin-skinned ass
12 years what I had planned to do in six. But oh well, better late than never,
right?*
Over the last twelve
years that I’ve been airing my inner demons via bad jokes and pointless
observations about white people. I’ve had quite the existence. I’ve been sent
to Iraq twice, I’ve moved nine times, have had six or seven jobs and
assassinated four heads of state. Never a dull day for me!**
I started Eighty-Four
Glyde in 2006, during my second tour in Iraq. This is a matter of historical
record and can be easily verified in any reputable library. (Side note: with
all the biopics they’re making these days, when are we gonna get a movie about
that Dewey chap and the creation of his decimal system? The world awaits
eagerly.) I started writing for a few reasons. I’ve covered them in depth in
previous entries, so I’ll just skim here. I was a journalist in the Army and
enjoy writing. I always liked the humor columnist Dave Barry and wanted to do
something similar. This year was also when MySpace was gaining in popularity (I
have no MySpace jokes. I’m going to let Tom rest in peace.) and it made a great
platform for people trying to write, discover their talents and spread their
work to the world. Unless you were Tia Tequila who chose MySpace to publicly
document her decent into madness and obscurity.
I’ve covered a lot of
topics over the years, from movies to Japanese porn, all the way to movies. It
was truly a comprehensive list of subjects. I tried to never get political,
though this blog has existed during Republican and Democratic leaders in
office. Presidents come and go.
I took a year off in
2017. My head just wasn’t in the game and couldn’t think of anything funny that
didn’t also open the door to my own issues. And I wasn’t ready to be that open
to a bunch of (nonexistent), faceless people online. So a break seemed in
order, perhaps maybe something more permanent.
You see, there’s been a
huge shift in Internet content. People used to enjoy reading stuff online. But
tides have changed. Amateur videos on YouTube are all the rage right now. These
days people are more into images and symbols (like Wing Dings) than words. Why write the word “penis” when you
can just post an eggplant emoji? (Also who decided that shit?) they say a
picture’s worth a thousand words, and much easier to read. Lazy millennial
bastards!
Sorry bout that. Anyway,
with the sea change taking place online, people like me have to
translate their skills because blogs and their
ilk are relegated to the outskirts
of the web. They still exist, they just get fewer visitors these days. Like
your grandfather in a nursing home. Gee, that sounded darker than it should
have. Let’s brighten the mood!
Everybody raise your
Zima high in the air! Let us celebrate the past 12 years and 300 entries and
pray (in English) to god I get some
kind of book deal soon so I don’t have to do this for another 12 years!
*Wrong.
**Still wrong.
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