*
Wow, I haven’t done one of these in many a year. But I can’t
help it! Recent activities and words spewed out by our current president (Dr.
Evil) have made me curious about past presidents, like President Allstate
Insurance and President Pull Pullman. But more importantly, what about
non-fictional presidents?
Today I picked to discuss our 27th, and girthiest
president, William “The Incredible Bulk” Taft. A president whose achievements
and accomplishments in U.S. politics are so well known that I’ll bet you $10
you can’t name a single damn thing!
Let’s do a brief overview of his life. Join me, won’t you?
William “Baba-Booey” Taft was born in Cincinnati, Oh, in 1857.
Growing up, he invented Skyline chili, thereby making him popular and zaftig at
the same time. Taft was born to Louis Torrey and Alphonso Taft. William was a
twin, but his brother was eaten in utero.
Taft wasn’t a necessarily bright child; he once spent an entire
day having a one-sided (but by all accounts, very productive) conversation with
a scarecrow. But he was known for being hard-working and was able to graduate
from high school and go to Yale, where he studied law under the famous
professor Judge Dredd.
Taft also became a member of the secret society “Skull and
Bones,” which meant that he was instrumental in having an effect on global
markets, keeping the water-fueled car under wraps, making sure Reparations
never happened, and lying about the existence of Squid Men from Beyond Venus.
Post-graduation, William “Big Willy Style” Taft, decided to
run a bar down in Cancun. That’s where he met his future wife Helen Herron. After
a lovely first date, where Taft woke up in the morning in a bathtub full of ice
and no kidneys (man that guy has bad luck with bathtubs!) Taft an Herron were
married in Vegas, by an anachronistic Elvis impersonator.
Anyway, after all this, Taft when on to work as a lawyer and
judge in various capacities around Ohio, (making sure to stay away from Toledo.)
His tenacity and anti-svelte build caught the eye of many prominent political
figures, including Chester A. Arthur, Grover Cleveland (who wasn’t even from
Ohio, the big faker!) And Teddy Roosevelt.
In 1904, Roosevelt made Taft the Secretary of War, which was
a pretty cushy gig, considering there wasn’t any war to secretarize. Which
reminds me, vote Josh for Ambassador to Oz. Together we can build yellow-brick
roads between our two great nations!
Over the next few decades a bunch of really boring stuff
happened to this guy, which would only make historians wet. It’s all so boring
that I can’t even properly make fun of him. Let’s just say we all have that
friend or acquaintance who is so boring that you feel sorry for them and can’t
even insult them to their boring, bland face, right? I know I do. I’m looking
at you Bob.
Anywho, with Roosevelt’s backing, Taft won the 1908
presidential election as a Conservative Republican. During his four-year tenure
as Mr. Potato Head-in-Chief, Taft Was pro-unions organizing, but not
boycotting, maintaining the privatization railroads in the hands of Robber
Barons, appointing various staff positions, setting up future interaction
between our country and Latin American countries, did some shit with tariffs (good
or bad, who cares?) something called the Ballinger-Pinchot Affair and…
…Ahhhh! Who cares? It’s so boring my brain just ran away. Damn
it! I should have picked a more interesting president. Like that dude who got
sick and died after five months. What was his name? I bet he did more stuff.
And you wanna know the worst part? Fool never got stuck in a
bathtub. Sure he was 350 pounds, but he always made sure he had big ass
bathtubs everywhere he went: on ships, various White House bathrooms (I guess
he liked to switch up bathrooms to keep things interesting?) his vacation
house, even his brother’s house. Next somebody will tell me that the story
about Abraham Lincoln going to San Dimas High never happened!
I will leave you with this one true fact, make of it what
you will. I don’t know who tracks this stuff or why, but it seems that William “I
can’t feel my left arm” Taft was the last president to have facial hair.
Never let it be known that I don’t teach you guys stuff. And
now, I haiku.
Our president Taft
Probably did a good job
Or not, I don’t care.
Probably did a good job
Or not, I don’t care.
*By the way, that's his actual tub. Seven feet long and 41 inches wide. Even Wilson Fik couldn't get stuck in that!
1 comment:
Bravo!!!
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