Sunday, April 19, 2015

The Great American Social Experiment (The Lost Entries)

Monday, Day One, 11:16 a.m.: Out of the blue, for absolutely no reason, while inebriated Thursday, March 1st, I decided to not watch television for a week. Why? I don’t know, I do that kind of thing from time to time. I had nothing to prove to myself and nobody to try and please.

“No t.v. for a week? That’s easy! I don’t even have a television at my place,” are the words that may possibly be floating around in your head. If so then I say that you are not a true American or a patriot and that you need to hurry out and buy a television before the forces of terrorism hear about you and laugh triumphantly. Or, perhaps you’re the kind of person who has such a wonderful active lifestyle (with your new custom-made hair) that you rarely watch t.v. Well, screw you too, because I don’t get down like that. I’ve got no job and have nothing but time in which to watch the “boob tube.” My Dojo of Love is set up around the very idea that people come together to watch t.v.

So, throughout the week I will make short entries to follow how things are going. Then I’ll post it all on Monday, March 12th.

This should be an interesting week

4:00 p.m.: So far so good. I’m a little bored, but managed to spend the day doing laundry and whoring myself out for employment. I’m worried about tonight though. The whole point of evenings is to watch t.v., isn’t it?

Tuesday, Day Two, 11:06 a.m.: Last night was brutal. Luckily I got to see some webcam boobies and that helped to pass the time. So did reading, which is my first love anyway. Today is going well. I’ll be gone for most of the afternoon with my first job interview. I mean, the first ever. My pits are so soaked I’ve had to change shirts three times already! I hope they don’t notice. It’s funny, I’ve interviewed thousands of people as a journalist, including the (now former since he resigned last week) secretary of the Army, the deputy secretary of defense, the chief of staff of the army, General Petraeus, hell even Tom Brokaw, yet I’ve rarely been on the receiving end of an interview. Maybe I should take a bunch of Valium first to calm my ass down. I’ve got another interview tomorrow. We’ll see how I do on this one first. I guess not watching t.v. has been beneficial; I sent my resume out to a bunch of places yesterday and I’m more focused on trying to get employed, (which is both a good and bad thing.)

Thursday, Day Four, 11:14 p.m.:  Temptation. Strong temptation. And not just to watch tv. I also quit drinking for the week as well. That’s right, no substances and no television. Why would I do that to myself? Because I’m a masochist, apparently. Today was the worst day of my life. This coming from a guy who’s been to war twice and has seen shit you wouldn’t believe going on around him. And I stand by my statement: Today was the worst day of my life. They have honesty in advertising, but they should have honesty in help wanted ads as well. If a company calls itself a marketing and advertising firm and offers a job in public relations, then that’s what you should get when you apply. If a company is really nothing more than a bunch of shady-ass solicitors who make you walk all goddamn day from business to business, bothering and annoying everybody you come across in a vain attempt to sell some Papa John’s coupons, they should tell you that as well. My experience is in writing and public affairs, not in hassling regular people to buy some stupid coupons they don’t need so they can get nice and fat off of greasy food and corporate America can get nice and fat off of these simpletons’ money. Have you ever been on the giving end of a sales pitch? Lies, miscommunication, deliberately misleading, insulting and I don’t know what else, are the name of the game there. The worst part is that I’m back to square one as far as the job hunting goes. I was all excited because I had two interviews and a walk through/observation day all in one week. But both places that interviewed me are exactly the same! They are both offshoots of the same parent company, but one’s in Baltimore and one’s in Falls Church, Virginia

And to compound this glorious day, at the end, what was supposed to be a relaxing Poker Night, turned into a devastating ass whomping for me. I just don’t get poker. I really want to surrender myself to the loving embrace of alcohol, but I can’t. It’s not even about watching t.v. anymore. That’s easy, it’s just a little awkward in social settings, because everywhere you go there a t.v. on and I have to turn my back to it or stand in a different room and converse by yelling. It’s not about the t.v. watching. It’s about my underdeveloped will power finally growing a set and making what it hopes isn’t its final stand. I just wish that the week I decided to quit all of my vices and fun activities wasn’t also the busiest, most stressful week I’ve had this year.

Hmmmm, a blog where I actually talk about myself without exaggeration. This isn’t interesting at all. Not to mention the complete lack of humor.

Friday, Day Five, 7:19 p.m.: Everybody has their breaking point. Pick up artists know this. Interrogators and torture experts know this. Our pitiful and corrupt government knows this. And now I know it. Sure I can justify and rationalize, but it doesn’t really change things. I had only planned to stop drinking for a week, which I technically did since I stopped doing that last Thursday, (I stopped watching t.v. on Monday) but it still feels like I’m giving up. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t actually done anything yet. But by the time you read this I will have. And by the time I post again, that portion of the experiment will be over. Success? Failure? No clue. All I know is that I’ve had a very stressful week and I’ve been on edge, snapping at people and walking around with a dangerously short fuse. I need to relax. I realized that today at lunch when I was in a restaurant trying to eat and have a conversation with my friend while this, and I use the term loosely “mother” allowed her super-hyper child run around throwing things on the ground and making all types of noises while she just continued to talk to some old couple at her table, thinking she’s cute because she obviously shops at thrift stores and wants you to know that she’s kitschy because she wears bright red galoshes even when it’s sunny out. I had to calm myself and count to ten because I was very close to walking over to the mother and telling her to shut her retarded child up before I pick him up by HIS GODDAMN HAIR AND THROW HIS ASS THROUGH THE GODAMN PLATE-GLASS WINDOW! People who know me know that I am fully capable and willing to walk up to the mother and yell at her in front of a restaurant full of strangers. You know that scene from Family Guy where Brian is in the restaurant and he starts crying really loudly like the baby next to him? That’s exactly how I felt. Not to stereotype or make racial generalizations but why do white people let their kids do whatever they want in public? Do they think it’s cute? Do they think that we’re all having a jolly time listening to a child scream at 7 million decibels?  Take a hint from black people, beat your child in public, then he/she won’t act that way. And I make you this promise, I’m not going to be so nice next time some shit like that goes down, so handle your kids people because you never know where I’ll be and I’ll be very happy to handle your kids for you.

Time for drinkies!

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