Oh boy. Is it December already? Seems like just last week I
was shaving my legs for the beach. Well, seeing as it is the HOLIDAY
SEASON* and for once I actually managed to get the majority of my
present shopping in prior to this month, I’ve decide to help you, the loyal
reader (Hi Hank!) with some gift ideas. You know, in case you’re too busy being
morally outraged by the state of affairs in this country (America, you chumps)
to go out and buy your kids the latest video/boardgame/shoe/phone/hippopotamus.
However, the one-two punch of my laziness and not knowing your specific
situation means that I’ve decided to completely half-ass the whole thing. So
I’m going to go to the wonderful (and a bit ridiculous) website
thisiswhyimbroke.com, and I’m going to let the site randomly pick some items
for me to babble on about. And like that…we begin:
1.
Fake Poop-Shaped Bath Soap: $9.99
Wow. Off to a great start here. Still on the first item and
it’s soap that’s shaped like shit. Not just any shit though, it’s realistic
human poop with little bits of corn in it. For that extra touch of
authenticity. Because I know that when I wash my hands, my feces-shaped soap
had better be able to also clean up the vomit I will expel from using
feces-shaped soap to wash my hands.* If you’re one of those people who buy
Christmas presents for people they hate (everybody has done it at least once)
or if you’re a sociopathic secret Santa, then this might be right up your
alley. And if it is, seek professional help.
2.
Boyfriend Snuggle Pillow: $28.95
I think we’ve all known about these things for a few years
now, right? Pillows shaped like things for lonely people are not a new trend.
But it’s still a very stupid one. Anyway, this one comes with a half-shirt that
you can remove for “easy care.” One shutters to imagine the stains that could
occur during the sleeping process. Perhaps the tears of pathetic people really
damage certain materials. Know any pathetic women? Give them this pillow… or my
phone number.
3.
“Nubrella” Hands Free Umbrella: $59.99
Look at this picture. There’s no possible way to ever use
this umbrella while having any self-respect. Looking over this site I really
have to wonder who is the target group. It’s either gifts for people you hate
(and will certainly hate you once they get these god awful things) or purchases
for people who are so incredibly self-unaware that they wouldn’t understand
irony if… (Damn, I can’t think of anything.) Luckily for all of us, (or a sad
realization for most of us) they are out of stock and none are available. Did
they sell out? Was it such a stupid concept that they just burned the prototype
in a raging fire? It does not say, but if you do ever see somebody with one of
these, punch them in the nose for their own good.
4.
Crib Dribbler: $7.99
I have to say, looking at the picture, this gift is genius.
Admit it, aren’t you tired of babies and feeding them? Sure, we all are. It’s a
hassle, they’re ungrateful and my nipples haven’t been right for months! But now, with the crib dribbler,
you can just set up a feeding tube in the crib, forget the baby and go back to
making meth or whatever. But it isn’t until you notice that the price is far
too reasonable for such a prison key, that you realize that there’s no such
thing as a “Crib Dribbler.” It’s just a box for a fake product that you put
your actual gift in. That’s funny! Wait, it’s not funny? Then somebody please
tell my father, he’s been doing that gag to us for decades.
And the last item in this freak parade is:
5.
All My
Friends Are Dead: $9.95
“It’s never too early to teach your children about the
impermanence of life and the pointlessness of all our hopes, dreams and
actions.” --Me to all the Sunday School classes I teach. And it’s true. Your
kids are going to learn about death from somewhere,
be it their favorite cartoons, seeing what happens when Rover finally catches
up to that car he’s been chasing, or the ravages of preschool AIDS, why not learn
about it from you? This book is very colorful (Probably. Who cares? If you read
it right, your children’s eyes will be too full of tears and their minds too
distracted by the idea of their own mortality to notice if the drawings are
colored in or not.) Nothing says love like robbing your children of their
innocence.
Well, that was a pointless little endeavor, wasn’t it? I
hope I was able to inspire you and motivate you to throw your hard-earned money
away on material goods that will be forgotten about or accidentally broken
within weeks. Happy shopping!
*For fun, do a scary
music cue in your head while you read that.
HOLIDAY SEASON bum, bum bummm.
**That
sentence is a Mobius strip of gross.
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