Tuesday, July 29, 2014

They always come back to haunt you (or: Revenge of the Bond Girls)

Announcer: Good evening and welcome to the James Bond reunion show, where we have gathered many of the old flames of our favorite super spy, Mr. 007 himself: James Bond. Our host, Dr. Gooch, will catch up with what they’re doing now and what future plans they may have.

And now, our host, Dr. Gooch!


Dr. Gooch: Thank you, intrepid announcer. And welcome everybody to another episode of “Reunion Riot” with me, Dr. Gustav Otto Olberov Christof von Hubberstein, or Gooch, for short. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. We have searched the globe for the people who know James Bond the best (and I do mean know), the various women whom he has bedded, (and lived to talk about it!) the famous Bond Girls!


Thank you. Now, let’s meet our guests tonight: Pussy Galore, Dr. Christmas Jones, Jinx, Agent Triple X and maybe a surprise guest or two. Let’s start with one of the first Bond Girls: Pussy Galore!

Pussy: Hi Dr. Gooch. First of all, let me say that I’ve never liked the term “Bond Girl”, it’s so demeaning. Secondly, that man is a rude jack ass.

Jinx: Amen sister!

Pussy: Exactly. He has a way of waltzing into your life, screwing everything up, possibly getting you at least fired from your job, and at most killed by some weirdo with a blade in his hat brim. I mean, what the hell is that? Then, just like that, the jerk disappears.
Christmas: So true! He uses you for whatever he wants, then throws you away. Like a used tampon after an extra heavy, bloody flow.

Dr. Gooch:

Jinx: Honey, with a mouth like that, there may be more than one reason why he left your crazy ass.

Christmas: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m a nuclear physicist!


Triple X: Ladies. Let us stay on topic here. And to be honest, my experience with Double O Seven was nothing like that. We came from different agencies and counties, and worked together to our mutual benefit. We accomplished our mission and parted ways. Professionally.

Jinx: Now wait a minute, James and I had the same experience, but with a different outcome. Explain that.

Triple X: “James”? I fear that you may have gotten a little too close, my dear Nubian faux-spy.

\Dr. Gooch: So ladies, from what I can tell, none of you are fans of “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”?

Pussy: You got it pal. In fact, I had lunch last week with Dr. Goodhead, Tiffany Case, Kissy Suzuki and Honey Ryder, for our monthly meeting of W.H.I.N. And they were also commenting on how Double O Dickweed treated them like crap too.

Dr. Gooch: W,H.I.N?

Pussy: “Who the Hell Invented our Names”. We have chapters all over the world.

Dr. Gooch: I see. Well ladies, what’s going on in your post-Bond lives?

Jinx: Well, I don’t know about the rest of these hookers, but I’m out there every day, wearing skimpy, tight, revealing clothes and doing my best to seduce and capture villains. I also started daring a wonderful man named Mr. Brooks.

Pussy: Well, since double-crossing Goldfinger, I’ve had a hard time finding employment with a boss who trusts me. So, I took my ill-gotten loot and bought a bunch of stallions for studding. There’s nothing as majestic as watching two horses humping. Truly breathtaking.

Triple X: That’s disgusting. As for myself, since the fall of our glorious Soviet utopia, I have been forced to become a mercenary. So, if you have the money and you know where to find me, you can call: The X Team!

Jinx: That sounds familiar…

Chrisrmas: I’m a nuclear physicist!

Dr. Gooch: Yes my dear. We know. And now, (and this is quite a treat) we have a special guest on the studio. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm round of applause for…

Octopussy: James! I love you! Why did you leave me?! Is he here now? I heard he was going to be here. I saved all of his toenail clippings and stray pubic hairs in a pouch made out of my own labia. All for him! James!

Pussy:  Ugh. Pathetic. See what he does to women? Octopussy, sit down. You’re making a fool of yourself!

Dr. Gooch: Ahem. Yes. Quite. Well, that’s all the time we have for this week’s edition of Reunion Riot. Join us next week, when we have a panel discussion with all the Lost Boys that Peter Pan left behind in Neverland and how they feel about being abandoned. Should be juicy. Goodnight folks!


*curtains close; fade to black*

Ocropussy: James?

Christmas: Me smart science person! 

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