Announcer: Good
evening and welcome to the James Bond reunion show, where we have gathered many
of the old flames of our favorite super spy, Mr. 007 himself: James Bond. Our
host, Dr. Gooch, will catch up with what they’re doing now and what future
plans they may have.
And now, our host, Dr. Gooch!
*applause*
Dr. Gooch: Thank
you, intrepid announcer. And welcome
everybody to another episode of “Reunion Riot” with me, Dr. Gustav Otto Olberov
Christof von Hubberstein, or Gooch, for short. We’ve got a great show for you
tonight. We have searched the globe for the people who know James Bond the best
(and I do mean know), the various
women whom he has bedded, (and lived to talk about it!) the famous Bond Girls!
*applause*
Thank you. Now, let’s meet our guests tonight: Pussy Galore,
Dr. Christmas Jones, Jinx, Agent Triple X and maybe a surprise guest or two.
Let’s start with one of the first Bond Girls: Pussy Galore!
Pussy: Hi Dr.
Gooch. First of all, let me say that I’ve never liked the term “Bond Girl”,
it’s so demeaning. Secondly, that man is a rude jack ass.
Jinx: Amen sister!
Pussy: Exactly. He
has a way of waltzing into your life, screwing everything up, possibly getting
you at least fired from your job, and at most killed by some weirdo with a
blade in his hat brim. I mean, what the hell is that? Then, just like that, the
jerk disappears.
Christmas: So
true! He uses you for whatever he wants, then throws you away. Like a used
tampon after an extra heavy, bloody flow.
Dr. Gooch: …
Jinx: Honey, with
a mouth like that, there may be more than one reason why he left your crazy
ass.
Christmas: I have
no idea what you’re talking about. I’m a nuclear physicist!
*oooohhh!*
Triple X: Ladies.
Let us stay on topic here. And to be honest, my experience with Double O Seven
was nothing like that. We came from different agencies and counties, and worked
together to our mutual benefit. We accomplished our mission and parted ways.
Professionally.
Jinx: Now wait a
minute, James and I had the same experience, but with a different outcome.
Explain that.
Triple X: “James”?
I fear that you may have gotten a little too close, my dear Nubian faux-spy.
\Dr. Gooch: So
ladies, from what I can tell, none of you are fans of “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”?
Pussy: You got it
pal. In fact, I had lunch last week with Dr. Goodhead, Tiffany Case, Kissy
Suzuki and Honey Ryder, for our monthly meeting of W.H.I.N. And they were also
commenting on how Double O Dickweed treated them like crap too.
Dr. Gooch: W,H.I.N?
Dr. Gooch: I see.
Well ladies, what’s going on in your post-Bond lives?
Jinx: Well, I
don’t know about the rest of these hookers, but I’m out there every day,
wearing skimpy, tight, revealing clothes and doing my best to seduce and
capture villains. I also started daring a wonderful man named Mr. Brooks.
Pussy: Well, since
double-crossing Goldfinger, I’ve had a hard time finding employment with a boss
who trusts me. So, I took my ill-gotten loot and bought a bunch of stallions
for studding. There’s nothing as majestic as watching two horses humping. Truly
breathtaking.
Triple X: That’s
disgusting. As for myself, since the fall of our glorious Soviet utopia, I have
been forced to become a mercenary. So, if you have the money and you know where
to find me, you can call: The X Team!
Jinx: That sounds familiar…
Chrisrmas: I’m a
nuclear physicist!
Dr. Gooch: Yes my
dear. We know. And now, (and this is quite a treat) we have a special guest on
the studio. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm round of applause for…
Octopussy:
James! I
love you! Why did you leave me?! Is he here now? I heard he was going to be
here. I saved all of his toenail clippings and stray pubic hairs in a pouch
made out of my own labia. All for him! James!
Pussy: Ugh. Pathetic. See what he does to women?
Octopussy, sit down. You’re making a fool of yourself!
Dr. Gooch: Ahem. Yes. Quite. Well,
that’s all the time we have for this week’s edition of Reunion Riot. Join us next week, when we have a panel discussion
with all the Lost Boys that Peter Pan left behind in Neverland and how they
feel about being abandoned. Should be juicy. Goodnight folks!
*applause*
*curtains close; fade to
black*
Ocropussy: James?
Christmas: Me smart science person!
No comments:
Post a Comment