Thursday, April 21, 2011

Nighttime Endeavors (or, Sleepy Shenanigans)

3:47 am – my bed

—Ugh. Can’t sleep…again. Damn this is annoying. How do other people do it? Lying in bed and doing nothing should be the easiest thing in the world. Considering how lazy I am, one would think that I’d excel at such a task. No such luck, it seems.

Well, since I’m awake, what should I do? Think up an idea for another blog column? Plan elaborate and intricate revenge schemes upon those who have wronged me? Watch some tv?

—Nah, don’t do any of those things. Let’s do something fun!

—What? Who are you?

—I’m the other voice in your head, genius.

—Ahhh. Wow, that explains quite a lot. So what do you want to do?

—Let’s make up limericks!

—You serious?

—Sure. Limericks are fun and you never hear any new ones.

—To be honest, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard any. I know about the Guy from Nantucket one, but I’ve never heard the whole thing. I’m assuming it has something to do with felatio. Anywho, limericks sound like fun. Go ahead.

—Okay, let’s see…

There once was a guy named Lyle

Who never knew how to smile

He tried and he tried

Until the day he died

But nobody showed up to his funeral because he couldn’t smile and people thought that he was a pathetic waste of life who deserved to die alone and rot in a forgotten grave.

—Hmmm. That started off pretty well, but I think you took a wrong turn into Crazytown at the end there.

—Damn, making up limericks isn’t as easy as I thought it’d be. You try.


There once was a girl I’d date

Whose breasts would occasionally lactate

It made such a mess

All over her dress

And didn’t even taste all that great.

—That was…interesting? But you should probably not insert yourself into the limerick?

—Why not? It didn’t actually happen to me. I just picked words that rhymed.

—Perhaps, but if you want your limerick to catch on, you can’t start with “I” or “me,” otherwise people are going to attribute it to themselves. Besides, unless she’s a hip chick, not many women would say it.

—Good point. Okay, how about this:

There once was a man named Eugene

Who always kept his pipes very clean

He’d flush them a day

The natural way

By jerking off into a stream.

—We are a weird dude.

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