Can you keep a secret?

Shhhhh….don’t tell anybody I’m back. Let’s keep this between you and me, shall we?

Look…everybody’s gone! No more phonies, no more fanboys, just you and me. The way I always wanted it. Thanks for sticking around, I guess you really like the way I weave words into a tapestry of wonderment and wackiness. I’m the 400-count thread Egyptian cotton of funny!

***

So listen, I’m a pretty active guy. I like to go to the gym, do karate, run from the police…you know, regular stuff. But the one thing that annoys me about working out and staying in shape is that it can totally injure you! There’s a fine line between getting in a good workout at the gym and totally wrenching your spinal column out of place. And you’d be surprised how often people topple over that line (in a pain induced back-spasm, no less). Seriously, why is it that the one thing that can get you in shape is also the one thing that can totally get you “bent out of shape.”* I guess that’s why all the machines you see in the gym come with little drawings of people using the contraptions wrong and end up getting folded in half like some human origami.

My advice? Go for a walk. Shit, nobody ever killed themselves by walking, (unless they walked off a cliff or into an alligator’s mouth or something, I guess. Don’t take me so literally!) You get some low-impact exercise in and nobody gets hurt.

Walking not good enough for you? Fine, go for a run. Run your crazy little heart out. Pump those legs. Work that cardio. Run up hills…oh, wait. Don’t do that. I heard about a drill sergeant in the Army who actually had a heart attack and died running up a hill. So do the opposite: run down hills. In fact, for ease, just run down a luge run or something for speed and ease…wait, didn’t a guy die on the luge track during the last Olympics? Yikes. I guess there no way to stay in shape without killing yourself. So let’s switch tracks here.

What should you do if you injure yourself during a workout? Especially if you hurt your back? Excellent questions to throw out into the crazy abyss that is the Interwebs! Allow me to refer to my friend (and lunatic doctor who gives me inappropriate prescription pills) Doctor Gooch!!

ME: Dr. Gooch, as somebody with a medical degree, can you give any advice for people who have injured themselves during workouts?
Dr. Gooch: Actually, no. As previously stated, my degree is from the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. I was a classmate of another famous fictional doctor: Doctor Nick. Also, I’m hella out of shape. My idea of a workout is getting up off the toilet after I lose ten pounds taking a dump.
Me: Wow Dr. Gooch, that was a really gross look into your personal life. Now I know why I never delved further into your world. It’s a good thing you’re fictional, because you’re weird!
Dr. Gooch: Welcome to hell bitch!

Okay, well…sorry about that. Let me give some advice instead. Here’s what to do if you injure yourself during a workout:
1. Stop working out
2. Sit down
3. Lay down
4. Drink a beer
5. The end

So take that advice with you as you venture out into the world of exercise and physical self-improvement.

You’re welcome.

*See what I did there?