Monday, November 03, 2008

Voting got you down?

Tired of all the election hoopla? Don’t know who to vote for? Is your brain unable to wrap around the simple concept of picking a candidate? Too lazy to vote? Don’t want to stand for hours upon hours? Not registered?

Fear not citizen! I am here to help. I feel your pain. Enjoy this list of things to do instead of voting. It’ll occupy your time until this whole election thing dies down and we can all go back to the important news stories, like what color panties Britney is wearing today.

• Reorganize your porn collection. That one clown porn DVD has been mixed in with the bondage DVDs for months!

• Live a day as a dog. Drink toilet water, pee on fire hydrants, poop in people’s yards and smell other people’s butts. Hump people’s legs. Gain a newfound respect for our canine friend.

• Use a razor blade to carve all of your ex girlfriends’ names into your forearm. Be sure to leave space for more names.

• Invent a new Kool Aid flavor.

• Write a guest Eighty-Four Glyde entry and send it to me to be posted.

• Try to make and eat one of those big ass, three-feet-tall sandwiches like Shaggy and Scooby enjoy when they’re not being chased by ghosts or hitting the doobage.

• Reinvent the wheel, but add a beer cozy to it.

• Watch all of those old DVRed TV shows you’ve got that you’ve never gotten around to.

• Lose yourself in the magic that is All my Children.

• Try to figure out the appeal of NASCAR.

• Learn to play an instrument.

• Practice your free-styling skills. Challenge random passersby to rap battles.

• Make a home porn of you by yourself. Leak it to the internet and just wait for fame and fortune to arrive at your doorstep.

• Try to invent a new cocktail.

• Play a game of HORSE against yourself.

• Join the military, but don’t show up.

• Reenact every scene from Gummo with sock puppets.

• Go on a hunger strike until Lee L. Mercer Jr. is elected President.

• Go to Chuck E Cheese in full scuba diving gear. Jump into the ball pit and pretend to spear hunt sharks.

• Rob a bank dressed as one of the candidates.

• Dance like nobody’s watching.

• Learn all the dance moves from HSM3.

• Open a home proctology/gynecology office.

• Come up with new zombie escape plans. Practice them! (The day is coming, believe me.)

So, just do one or more of the things on this list and escape from the whole “voting” thing. Instead of wasting a day standing in line with a bunch of people with questionable personal hygiene, being bored and wondering just how much your vote actually matters (here’s a hint: none at all), you can enjoy tomorrow and truly make a difference in your community.

No need to thank me, just doing my civic duty.

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