Sunday, October 05, 2008

WTF is a “finance”?

Hello and welcome to another episode of What The F*ck? In this episode, our financial expert and economist Dr. Gooch will answer all of the made up questions posed once again by you: the made-up readers! Got a question about the current state of the American economy? Then worry not friends! Dr. Gooch is here to allay all your fears and worries.

Q: Lay it out for me doc. What the F*ck is going on with the American economy? Say it in a way a typical, God-fearing, PBR-drinking, gun-shooting, wife-beating, minority-hating, English-speaking, child-abusing, meth-taking, red-blooded, patriotic white American male like myself can understand. Homer S.
A: Not a problem Homer. The American economy is doing about as well as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest against the Rockettes. In other words, pretty soon the Peso is going to make the dollar look like so much toilet paper.

Q: How did we get this way? Suzie O.
A: It didn’t happen overnight Suzie. You see, for the last forty years American businesses have secretly been funneling money to Santa to keep his operation in the North Pole afloat. It works for both parties, Santa gets to send toys to the kiddies and the businesses get free advertising for their products. What happened was Saint Nick went bankrupt a long time ago due to a mixture of extremely high overhead and an addiction to gambling. That’s when we stepped in to bail Santa out, for the good of boys and girls all over this great Christian nation of ours.

Unfortunately, Santa just couldn’t stop looking for some action. He got in over his head with the Yakuza while betting on the ponies and three-fourths of his work force was kidnapped by the Japanese as forced labor in animation studios to churn out cheap Hentai cartoons. So, in order to buy Santa’s elves back in time for Christmas this year, American businesses had to hand over ass loads of money to the Yakuza. That’s why they’re broke, and by extension, you’re broke.

Q: Are we in a recession? And if so, will that lead to a depression? Alan G.
A: Yes Alan, we are in a recession. You can tell because the price of MacDonalds’ Big Macs and Popeyes chicken have gone up. So has Amish clown porn. It’s a sad time indeed.
As far as a looming depression, my Magic Eight ball says all signs point to yes. The only way to prepare for this is to take all your money out of banks, hide it under your mattress and hope that you don’t accidentally burn your house down while smoking and drinking all day due to being laid off from your job at the novelty squirting toilet factory.
See you in hell.

Q: What will the Bailout package do for me? Isn’t it just paying off the people who put us in this situation in the first place? Barney F.
A: The bailout package is actually a stroke of political genius. You see, the government is going to give large quantities of money to those who deserve it most: the people who barely have enough cash to fuel their private jets or maintain upkeep of their many palatial homes. We have to make sure these people are able to continue living the lives they’re accustomed to. After all, they’re living the American Dream and represent the very best of us. Don’t be jealous. Just keep eating your sugar sandwiches, using your food stamps and only having enough water to bathe once a week. It builds character.

Q: What stock market advice do you have? Nancy P.
A: Good question Nancy! This is a great time to play the stock market if you know what you’re doing. First of all, buy up all the stock you can. It doesn’t matter what stock it is. The cheaper the better. Take any money you have and sink it into the market. While everybody else is scared and selling their stocks, you’re in a prime position to diversify your portfolio. May I suggest you load up on the stock of various banks? They’re due for a boost. You can ride this bull market to a financial orgasm!

Q: What does “finance” mean? George B.
A: If you don’t know it means by now, then don’t worry about it. Only a few months left to go, jack ass.

Join us for another episode of What The F*ck? When we answer all your questions on a whole range of subjects. From how to change the oil in your car, to how to recombine Deoxyribonucleic acid to give yourself super powers.

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