Sunday, September 14, 2008

Whether or not the weather complies

Anchor: Greetings and welcome to the Fox News, 24-hour, nonstop coverage of Hurricane Josephine, which we have dubbed “Countdown to Inevitable Windy Death!”
Currently the winds of Hurricane Josephine are bracketing the coast of Texas. Texas hasn’t seen such a violent, Category 1 hurricane since the deadly 1908 Hurricane Stanislaus, which killed, literally, millions of people.
We have with us in-house weather expert and meteorological scientist Dr. Gooch to help us understand just how much wholesale slaughter we can expect from Josephine.
Doctor, can we expect the death toll to reach the numbers from 1908?

Dr. Gooch: Undoubtedly. In 1908, Stanislaus killed 12 million Texas residents, despite there only being 4 million people living there at the time. We assume that family must have been visiting that weekend. Also, that hurricane caused billions of dollars of damage and forced the survivors to eat one another until FEMA arrived. It was an ugly scene.
I calculate that the force of the wind and rain, when Josephine hits, will be the equivalent of 10 nuclear bombs. We could be seeing the end of all life in the western hemisphere, Bob.

Anchor: Sobering words indeed.
We here at Fox plan on showing you, the viewer, every last minute of this impending catastrophe, to keep you informed of the agonizing death the people of Texas are sure to face. We report, you decide.
We have, out at the Galveston levee, correspondent Grace Stevens to tell us about the current situation in that town. Grace?

Grace: Thanks Bob. Well, as you can see behind me, all of the businesses are closed. This could be because it’s 11 p.m. or it could be because shop owners and residents of Galveston have fled the town, abandoning their cars and leaving their lives and all that they knew and loved behind.
Josephine has been pounding the coast and the town levees for 3 and a half hours now and if you look down at my feet you can already see the water level has risen almost a quarter-inch. We don’t yet know the extent of this flooding, but it could be Katrina all over again. Bob?

Anchor: Grace, from where you are, can you see how the levees are holding up to the water?

Grace: Well Bob, so far the walls are holding up fine. The water is barely having an impact against the levee, but, as we know, this could change at any moment and millions of gallons of water could come rushing into town, drowning every man, woman, child and pet it comes across. Breaking all of their bones and battering their bodies against hard surfaces like so many rag dolls.

Anchor: Grace, have you seen any evidence of death or destruction so far?

Grace: Not yet Bob. If you look behind me you can see what looks like a couple walking their dog, and over to the left there are some kids playing in a puddle. I don’t know if these are the die hard residents who refused to leave town even after all of the signs that were posted everywhere telling people if they stayed they would certainly die, or if they are simply unaware of the terrible danger they are in.

Anchor: Interesting how people can convince themselves that a situation is other than how it looks. Thanks Grace.
We have with us, on the phone, Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane, the sheriff of Galveston. Sheriff, can you shed any more light on how the town of Galveston has prepared itself for Josephine?

Sheriff Coltrane
: For who now?

Anchor: Hurricane Josephine. The single most deadly thing that will have occurred in Texas in the last 100 years!

Sheriff Coltrane
: You mean the storm outside? I’d barely noticed it. Well, we made sure to lock our doors and put shutters over the windows. Also, I had a couple of deputies go around town to make sure that everybody’s patio furniture was put in their garages or carports. Wouldn’t want those cushions to get wet!

Anchor: Fascinating. Sheriff, have you gotten any calls of damage around the town? Perhaps millions of dollars in damage?

Sheriff Coltrane: Well, let me see. We have gotten a couple of calls about mailboxes falling over and I believe that one family’s cat is up a tree. But that’s about it. So we’re looking at maybe, $56.83 worth of damage.

Anchor: Thank you for that update Sheriff Coltrane. Be sure to keep us informed as to the untold death and destruction when it happens… any minute now. Right Dr. Gooch?

Dr. Gooch: Very soon Bob. It’s only been four hours into the hurricane, reports are still preliminary. We’re sure to hear about the horrors Josephine hath wrought once things have settled down a bit.

Anchor: Continuing now with Fox News’ “Countdown to Inevitable Windy Death!” we turn to Dr. George Roberts at Galveston General Hospital.
Dr. Roberts, has the hospital seen a surge in injuries or deaths during Josephine’s deadly visit to the Lone Star State?

Dr. Roberts: Hi Bob! Ummm, it’s been business as usual here at the hospital tonight. The lights flickered for a second a couple of hours ago, but other than that, there’s been nothing out of the ordinary.

Anchor: Doctor, with the amount of damage Josephine is sure to inflict on your state, are you prepared for the hundreds, no, thousands of people that will come rushing into your hospital like a human flood of misery and anguish?

Dr. Roberts: Sure.

Anchor: Okayyyy. Thanks Doctor Roberts. Good luck to you and the rest of the staff at the hospital, I’m sure you’re going to need it soon, when you have to triage the victims of Josephine’s indomitable wrath.
Once again, we here at Fox News we are committed to showing you the devastating effects of Hurricane Josephine, in a fair and balanced manner. Stay tuned, after the break we’ll be talking with a stock market expert who assures us that the price of Oil will rise to unheard of heights following Josephine. Naturally, this will lead to the fall of civilization, and we’re sure the democrats are somehow responsible. Also, we’ll show a pre-recorded interview of a Galveston resident who plans on sitting on his roof and shooting every looter he sees. Not to mention plenty more live shots of the streets of Galveston as Hurricane Josephine runs amok in Texas. These are dark times indeed for this country.
That’s here, on Fox, and “Countdown to Inevitable Windy Death!” Stay tuned.

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