Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Cultural Retardation

This is going to be a great summer for movies! I can’t wait!

Oh, wait……..that’s right. I’ll be in Iraq. Unable to see a single damn one of ‘em! And no, bootlegs don’t count. In fact, they’re kind of an insult. I wanna see these super-expensive, mega-exciting, kick-ass movies on the big screen, not on a 8-inch screen with somebody’s ginormous, stupid, nappy head all up on half the screen and with sound quality like it was recorded on the bottom of the ocean by a phonograph!
Since I’m apparently a masochist, I decided to chronicle all the delightful movies that I’m going to miss out on this summer, rated 1-5 as to how much I wanted to see it, (1 being not very much and 5 meaning I’m seriously considering shooting myself in the foot to get back to America in time to see it).

The Forbidden Kingdom, (P.G.-13): Starring Jackie Chan, Jet Li, a bunch of other kung fu masters and some random white kid.
True, this movie came out a week or two ago and I’m still in America, but I’ve been stuck on a military base and I can’t get anywhere to see it. Life is cruel.
Anyway, this movie has a plot of some sort, but who cares?! It’s what all kung fu fans have been waiting for forever. Jackie Chan vs Jet Li! Personally, I’m a Jackie Chan fan so I hope he wins. But in the end, it really doesn’t matter. I was salivating to see this joint. It gets a 4 out of 5.

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanimo Bay, (R): Starring Harold and Kumar, (their real names are unimportant, aren’t they?)
This one is out in theaters too, but as stated in the first movie, I can’t see it. Phooey.
In this sequel to the critically acclaimed Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, our two weed smoking protagonists try to go to Amsterdam, (for obvious reasons.) While on the plane smoking a fatty in the bathroom, they get confused for terrorists, (makes sense to me!) and end up getting sent to Gitmo by good, patriotic Americans. They escape, smoke a blunt with Bush, hang out with Doogie Howser (again!) and enjoy shenanigans. Though I don’t partake in narcotics, (especially marijuana) and don’t condone their use, I give this movie a 4 out of 5.

Iron Man, (P.G.-13) May 2nd: Starring Robert Downey Jr., Terrance Howard and Gwyneth Paltrow (Gwyneth? What kind of goofy miscasting is that?).
I’m no fanboy or big Iron Man-lover, (I can’t even name any of his regular arch villains) but the trailers for this movie look sweet ass sweet. Downey uses the perfect mix of douchebaggery and humor to portray Tony Stark, the secret identity of Iron Dude. And the ‘splosions are purty nice too. I give this a 3.5 out of 5.

Speed Racer, (P.G.) May 9th: Starring John Goodman, Christina Ricci and a bunch of other people I’ve never heard of.
I don’t like anime. In fact, I almost downright loathe it. It’s nothing but vaguely animated people standing around in ridiculous poses talking for hours and hours. Japanese kids are way more patient than American tots, that’s for damn sure. On the other hand, this movie, produced by the Wachowski brothers, (who brought us The Matrix) looks to be a heaven for abusers of psychotropic drugs. Hell, the way the trailers look, you’re probably better off not ingesting ‘shrooms or LSD, (could be a bad trip brother!). Either way, visually it’s very interesting. And if I’m not mistaken, I saw a couple of kung fu fights in the previews. I’m giving this a 2.5 out of 5.

Indiana Jones and the Franchise that Wouldn’t Die, (dunno the rating) May 22nd: Starring Harrison “I’m never too old to button only half my shirt” Ford, Shia “my last name means the beef” LaBeouf and probably a bunch of Nazis (or maybe Commies?)
I’d give my right nut to see this movie. Honestly. Temple of Doom, the least appreciated of the series, is one of my favorite movies. You can’t go wrong with a guy who wanders into various adventures with nothing more than a whip and a fedora. Go against a tank while riding a horse? No problem. Climb a rickety bridge/ladder while dangling over a crocodile-infested river? Can do it one-handed. Indy is the man! I give this a 5 out of 5.

The Incredible Hulk, (dunno the rating on this one either) June 13th: Starring Ed Norton and Tim Roth.
As everybody knows, the last Hulk movie sucked donkey gonads. So, to please the comic fanboys, they remade the whole thing with new people and a new plot. Hell, it couldn’t possibly blow more than the last one! I think Ed Norton makes a better Bruce Banner than the last guy with his huge Dumbo ears. I give this a 3 out of 5.

Wanted, (R) June 27th: Starring Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman and a buttload of disposable badguys.
In my opinion, Jolie hasn’t been hot for quite a few years. Bitch is too skinny! It’s kinda gross. Regardless, the movie looks pretty cool, what with the curving bullets and Morgan Freeman as an assassin. And Angelina’s bewbies. I give this a 3.5 out of 5.

Man, I’ve only done up through the end of June and I’m not even close to done! What a shitty summer I’m going to have. I didn’t even get to mention Hancock, The Dark Knight (which gets a 6 out of 5, by the way), Hellboy II, The X-Files 2, Midnight Meat Train, The Mummy 3, Pineapple Express, Quantum of Solace (I know it’s not coming out in the summer, but I’m still going to miss it!) and so on. Hell, the list is way too long.
Damn I’m pissed.
(As a fun drinking game while reading this, do a shot each time I use the word “Bunch”)

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