Don & Mike: Radio Snobs

I really hate that I have so many negative Eighty-Four Glyde entries where I seem to only focus on things that irk me. I would love to do a blog about the things that I like, (much like my column on Topanga a few weeks back). Sadly, this won’t be that kind of entry.
Joshua is national. So national, in fact, that Joshua can refer to Joshua in the third person. An honor such as this is reserved for the very few. To be honest, I’m international, read in such far away (and extremely foreign lands) places as Iraq, Korea, Germany and Jersey. Which means that the entry I’m doing today will only make sense to a few people, (probably just myself) and therefore, you’re not missing much if you skip it. With two strikes against today’s entry (1. It’s negative 2. It’s localized) feel free to just relax, check out some porn, create a virus to destroy the Tila Tequila empire and call it a day. For those who stay: prepare for the suckfest!
There’s a local radio show here in D.C. called the Don & Mike show. They broadcast on a talk FM station (106.7 WJFK) and are syndicated to a bunch of small markets around the country. Don and Mike have been together, doing the show in one form or another, for the past 20 years. They’ve been through much. They started off as a “wacky morning zoo” show on one station and eventually made it to the third or fourth highest rated show in the afternoon drive (my figures could be a little off, but, since they’re not going to read this, I’m not too worried) on another station. They’ve been together through a bunch of program directors, station managers, producers, interns, format changes and stupid FCC rules. They survived in the post-Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” world and that Imus debacle. They’ve been together since Don’s son was a baby (he’s in college now) and through the tragic (though I’ve rarely seen a death that wasn’t tragic) death of Don’s too-hot-for-him wife. They’ve endured marriages, divorces and mid-show runs to the emergency room.
The problem is that they’re just too damn old.
If you don’t listen to the show, then you won’t know what I’m talking about, but bear with me here. They used to be hilarious guys. They had great bits and seemed to enjoy themselves (not in that way!) on the air. They had regular callers, guests and all types of sweet shit that made it imperative to listen to them everyday. But then they changed.
They started to insult callers more. Insulting callers isn’t a bad thing, it can make for interesting radio. But they weren’t just insulting the retarded callers who should have been tied in a bag and thrown off a bridge at birth. No. They would also insult callers who had the gall to call in and compliment the guys, telling them how much they love the show. And I’m talking brutal insults. They can’t get away with cussing on the air, but they seriously lay into these people for no reason. These people are their fan base. We are the ones that come out to live shows and support Don and Mike. We are the ones the show is meant for. Why, it makes about as much sense as having a president who doesn’t look out for the American people and is only concerned with his own selfish agenda, regardless of how low his approval rating is (shocking)!
They’re even worse with guests. If they like the guest, then they immediately start sucking that celebrity guest’s ball sack as if it contains grape drink (I want that purple stuff!) If they don’t like the guest, then they do sound effects that the guest can’t hear that do nothing but demean everybody who listens (just because you don’t like Alton Brown doesn’t make him a tool you douches!).
And I seriously think that they purposely stay out of touch with reality. They never know what’s going on in the world or who anybody is in the news. It’s all about the current events people! They’re both almost 50 and I think they’re trying to hold on to the old times as long as possible. They love to talk about Larry King, Regis Philbin and Wayne Newton. When was the last time any of those decrepit old fossils were relevant? Back when you were just a gleam in your daddy’s eye is when. They watch Good Morning America religiously and make sure to always comment about the anchors. Very weird. But what’s even weirder is when they devote whole hours of their show to small-time, nobody, local anchor people. They must know that people in Kansas don’t know or care about the weather lady at my local Fox affiliate. Yet they continue to talk about these people. Just to entertain themselves, I guess.
I’ll post a link to their site at the end of this, but it won’t be useful. You’ll just get an idea of the way Don & Mike are now, not of the glory days of the early to mid 90s. I would call the show to give my criticism, but I’m sure I’d simply be hung up on or yelled at. I’d go to their discussion boards and address what I feel are the concerns of a long-time and loyal listener, but the fools there would most likely bash me until I commit suicide or leave my computer and go enjoy the real world. Don & Mike are not good at taking constructive, or positive criticism, no matter what the intentions. I just wished that they’d listen to all of their listeners, not just the most vocal of us. And I wished that they’d take into account what the listeners think, and not just what they think we think.
The show will end next year when Don retires, and as much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think I’ll miss them that much. At this point in their careers they are like Old Yeller, foaming at the mouth. They need to be put down before they embarrass themselves or cause any more damage to their once shining careers.
Don & Mike, if you guys ever read this, just know that I love you guys and listen everyday. And even though you might have been broadcasting together for over 20 years, you’ve lost touch with your fan base and with the real world. Time to go to bed.