Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Take two of these and call me in the morning

People like to go around, justifying their crazy and often self-destructive (if they’re going it right, that is) behavior with the phrase “Life is short.”

Dude #1: Dude, let’s stay up all night doing shots of Everclear. It’ll be awesome!
Dude #2: I can’t dude, I’ve got my final in underwater basket-weaving in the morning.
Dude #1: Screw that noise! Life is short dude. Let’s have some fun!

Oh, how that irks me to no end! (And I’m not one who’s easily irked.) People are insane. Life isn’t short. It’s long. It’s the longest possible thing you can do! Once that is understood, people can adjust their views accordingly. And maybe some good can come out of this crazy thing we call life, (well, actually, I call it Barry, but when I tell people that I love my Barry, they look at me weird.)
There are a lot of people out there telling others how to live their lives. Now, it’s even an actual job and people are getting paid for it. These people are called “Life Coaches” and as much as I want to hate them for having such a phony-baloney job, I’m really just jealous that I didn’t think of it first. I’d be a great life coach, because unlike, say, Tony Robbins, I actually know the key to having a good life, (and oddly enough, it has nothing to do with fame or power, which goes to show why there has never been a country or world leader who had a good time in life. Think about it!)
Let me break it down to you, for free. I won’t tell you everything you need to know, I’m just giving you a little taste, like your pusherman. When you come back for more, that’s when I start charging.
The key to living a good life isn’t to live in the present. It’s to think about the future. Whenever one faces a dilemma, or a choice between two things, one must consider what the future holds, (like how I used “one”? Makes me sound like Confucius!)
Picture yourself on your deathbed, old, liver-spotted, wearing diapers, and ready to finally go to that big Wal-mart in the sky. Do you want your last thought to be “Damn, I wish I had spent more time in high school doing pointless homework and monotonous class work,” or, “I’m glad I skipped school that day to go skinny-dipping with Rachel (unless your name is Rachel, in which case I guess it doesn’t apply to you.*)? Exactly. Skinny-dipping wins every time.
All it takes to have a good life is to picture yourself on your deathbed. Think about what you’d lament; think about what would give you great memories. Because, in the end, no matter who you are and what you have or have not accomplished in your life, you’re made up entirely of your memories, they are the only thing you can take with you when you go. Make them good.
Or, if you’re lazy, you can just win the lottery. That pretty much guarantees a good life. It’s not money that’s the root of all evil, it’s not having money. So say Confucius, (well, not really, but he would have if he saw the new iPhone!)

*Disclaimer: Not all skinny-dipping experiences with girls named Rachel are guaranteed to be great. User experience may vary, not available in all areas. Void where prohibited

Bad news, fans o’ the Glyde. Due to the fact that I’m trying to start some kind of a pathetic freelance writing career means that I’ll be cutting down Eighty-Four Glyde entries to once a week. So, gone are the Sundays when you could stumble out of bed at noon, bleary-eyed and hung over, wander over to the interweb and begin your day with a hearty belly laugh at my antics. You will have to make due with peeing yourself at work on Wednesday mornings, until my desire to make a real writer of myself is gone and I return back to my humble Eighty-Four Glyde roots. TTFN.

No comments: