Friday, July 20, 2007

The reviews are in

It has been awhile since my last Friday review of movies I haven’t seen. And I’ve been a bit spotty with the Eighty-Four Glyde entries lately, (what with me having Goonie-style adventures and all. My pockets are full of doubloons son!) so I decided that it would be a nice little treat to hook it up with two Eighty-Four Glyde entries in two days. Zoinks.

I’m a bit worried because I don’t know if you all, (especially the newer readers) can handle that much funny. So, here are tips on what to do if you find yourself overwhelmed by the amount of killer jokes. You will be able to tell if you have been overwhelmed if you have any of these symptoms: lightheadedness, hunger, a sudden urge to punch the next person you see wearing crocs, a desire to watch a lot of cartoons, bloating, grumpiness, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Itchy Ball Syndrome.

Should any or all of those symptoms occur, first thing to do is to stop reading. If necessary, run to the opposite side of the room, face the corner and count the number of suspicious looking spots on your ceiling until the giggling subsides. Next, take a deep breath, too much laughing at an Eighty-Four Glyde entry can cause choking and/or suffocation and has even been known to result in death, (farewell Lady Bird, you will be missed.) If the deep breath doesn’t work, then sit down and drink a cold beer. If nothing else, it’ll at least relax you. Careful though, it could make you laugh even more at my carefully crafted wordplay and humorous anecdotes about American life. Lastly, watch a Dane Cook movie or comedy special. Anything Dane Cook does is automatically the unfunniest thing ever, so it should halt the effects of reading my blog.

Once you think you’re doing better, you can go back and finish reading whatever uproariously funny thing I managed, in a drunken stupor, to type that day. A word of warning though, after reading Eighty-Four Glyde, do not watch/read/listen to other things that you think are funny. Nothing can follow my act and you’ll see just how unfunny everything else you thought was hilarious truly is. There are exceptions to this rule, but I’ll be damned if I promote anybody else’s work on my blog!

Alright, now that all that crap’s out of the way, let’s get on with

Reviews of movies I haven’t seen (pt. Something)

Hairspray (P.G.): Finally, somebody in Hollywood delivered on something John Travolta fans have been asking for for years! Travolta dressed like a fat woman! I couldn’t get enough of Martin Lawrence dressed as a fat woman (with a sequel no less) and I’m in stitches every time Eddie Murphy is a fat woman (what was it, like three movies so far?) So, naturally I’m all atwitter at seeing a WP dressed as a fat woman. If this trend continues we could end up with nothing but movies where men dress as women. I, for one, eagerly anticipate the dawning of the transvestite movement. I’m going to go rent Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight!

As for Hairspray, well, I saw the first one, (I think I’ve got it on VHS somewhere) and I’m not going to bother with this one. Nobody can fill Devine’s size 24 heels and it’s blasphemy to even try. Is John Waters even involved with this movie? If you like musical numbers where complete strangers all seem to know the same choreographed dance routines, if you like movies where John Travolta dances, if you like movies about Baltimore, then this is the movie for you. Queen Latifah’s breasts round out the cast.

I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry (P.G.-13): Sigh. I really don’t know what to think anymore. Hey Adam Sandler, got a question for ya. Are you going to complete the crossover into trying to become a serious actor like Tom Hanks did, or are you going to continue doing mediocre crap featuring your talentless real life husband Rob Schneider? Honestly dude, pick one or the other. Either it’s going to be Spanglish and Punch-drunk love, or it’s Little Nicky and Bulletproof. Your fans aren’t going to put up with this much longer. Luckily, I’m not one of them, so I’m not worried.

This movie is about two straight guys who pretend to be gay so they can pull a fast one on the government. Whoop-de-frickin-do. Naturally, a super hot chick, in the form of Jessica Biel, is thrown into the mix to see what kind of wacky things the guys will go through to maintain their Brokeback relationship. Could be funny, I guess. Kevin James has his moments. Unfortunately, that human jizz-receptacle, Tila “I don’t actually have a brain, so I’ll make up for it by wearing as few clothes as possible and acting super slutty” Tequila is in the movie as a Hooters girl (I know, shocking isn’t it? I thought she’d be a doctor or something), so I’m going to go ahead and pass on this movie. Maybe one day, when my heart has mended from never getting a response to all those emails and love letters I sent to her, I’ll rent it. But until then I think I’ll survive without watching this flick.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go find a bunch of Harry Potter fans and throw stuff at them.

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