Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Art of Fisticuffs, (or: How to deliver unto your enemies a most powerful pummeling about the head and shoulders)

Ahh the curse of being a big black guy with lots of muscles and a vaguely threatening look glued to my face, (well that’s a lie, I’m too gorgeous to look anything but stunningly handsome) people are always coming up to me asking for advice on how to fight.

I can kind of understand where they’re coming from, I don’t often notice it, but I’ve been told that I have an intimidating presence, (no, honestly people do say that! Although I’m sure Ashley’s going to disagree). At six feet, 220 pounds, not many people mess with me. Which is kind of a shame, because I’ve got a lot of anger I need to work out by repeatedly hitting somebody in the face until I get tired, (hmmm, I figured the army would have been a perfect way to get rid of my aggressive tendencies, who knew that they would promote my aggressiveness instead and then turn me loose on the streets of America) but that won’t happen. Mores the pity.

Anyway, even with my size, people do occasionally try to come at me like they’re going to do something, (they’re usually drunk) until I give them the ole stink-eye and they scurry off into the night. Works like a charm.

But like I said, people always come up to me asking how to fight or something. As if I’m Royce Gracie or some such nonsense. I’m not. I’m just some dude. But that doesn’t stop me from opening my big mouth and telling people how to do the do. I’ve decided to take that same advice and offer it to all of my wonderful Internet friends (ummm…you guys I guess) for use in only the most dire of situations. Ready?

Alright, let’s break down what a fight is. A fight is a physical interaction between two or more people where the intent is to cause harm, (otherwise known as how Rosie O’Donnell has sex). A fight can’t be defined based on how much actual contact has occurred. What I mean is that a fight can be anything from a kick in the junx to an hour-long brawl with bats and chains. I’ve been in plenty of fights where I was the winner because I punched somebody in the face and ran away. Hey! It counts. I bet everybody has had at least one encounter in school where some bully attacked you and you kind of had them pinned for a second or two, and you were like “sweet! I’m winning!” until the bully flipped the script and introduced your face to the basic elements that make up dirt. If the fight had ended while you were on top, it would still have counted as a victory.

Sadly fights go on until one of five things: one person gives up, one person is unconscious/dead, the authorities come, other “do-gooders” come to break shit up, or an act of god. Your basic goal is to be the least hurt when one of these endings happens. Let’s see how we can make that happen.

If you don’t want people to fight with you, then look like somebody people don’t want to fight. Get big, (fat, muscle, it doesn’t matter) get a haircut that is extremely unflattering and makes it look like you’re on the war-path (ex. shorn head, Mohawk, Jim Kelly-style fro). Wear clothes that accentuate just how diesel you are. Daisy Dukes are not an option, nor is anything made of Lycra (unless you’re a superhero).

Failing all that, (or if you’re just too lazy) go buy a gun. After all, who needs confidence when you have a gun? It’s the American way. If you can’t afford a gun, go rob somebody who can, then use their money. Too scared to rob somebody? (pussy) Then make your own damn weapon! I don’t give classes on that, go watch Oz for help there.

The odds are also important. It’s simple math, the more peoples you have with you when a fight’s about to break out, the better the odds of somebody else getting the ass-whuppin that was meant for you. Keep other people around, even if it’s just to push them into your opponent while you make your getaway (it works for every James Bond villain). That’s what friends are for. If your opponent has more people on his side than you do, then your options are limited. You can pretend to be really crazy and hope it scares your enemy away (or they become kind of embarrassed for trying to fight an obvious feeb like yourself and wander away). Or you can use my approach. It’s a little more intellectual, but it works more often than not, (in which case I will use all the tools in my arsenal, I’ll act crazy, throw my friends in front of me, then run away while brandishing a shiv and screaming like an Arabian woman). I simply walk up to the leader of the opposing force and speak gently to him in a soft voice that his cohorts can’t hear.

“You do realize that there’s about a half dozen of you guys and only one me, right?” I’ll say.

“Yeah, so?” he’ll respond.

“Well, how many movies and t.v. shows have you seen where a bunch of over-confident guys go up against one quiet dude who doesn’t back down?”

Suddenly looking confused, “uh, I don’t know, a lot?” he stammers.

“That’s right, and what always happens?”

“The one guy knows some kind of kung fu or some shit and wipes the floor with the other guys,” he says.


At this point the opponent looks unsure of himself and will confer with his associates. A few minutes of talking and they usually wander off, or I do. The beauty of this approach is that I rely on the fears and superstitions of my opponents, (just like Batman!)

Oh, and always make sure to cuss wayyyy too much. Cussing while yelling is a great psychological technique. Also make sure to talk about your opponent’s mother and the various woodland creatures that have had their way with her.

Awwww, would you look at that! I ran out of space before I could even get to the fighting part! Damn, that's a shame. Oh well, tune in for my next “How to” when I explain how to land an airliner after the pilot has died from a heart attack. Maybe.

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