If you’re going to heed the words of one movie critic this year…

…That critic should be me. Especially since I’m a regular person (like you!) with no training in how to critique movies and I only review movies I haven’t seen yet. Time to get started!

The Reaping (R): This movie is about the million dollar next karate kid as she tackles signs of religious significance around the world. She probably tests things like statues of Mary who cry blood and faces of Jesus in fried chicken grease. Naturally, she sees only cheap chicanery every time, which leads her to not take shit seriously when the Ten Plagues go down. The movie is filled with frogs, blood, locusts, dead babies and all types o’ wild shit like that. It looks like the plot is for her to somehow thwart God by stopping the plagues, while simultaneously punching Moses in the throat. Blasphemous? Maybe. Entertaining? Could be. Any ninjas or boobies? Doubtful. I think I’m gonna pass on this one. I’m sure the movie will be just as “scary” or “suspenseful” on my dvd player is it is in the theater. Next!

First Snow (R): Guy Pierce, best known as the dude who’s name I forget from Memento, stars in this movie as Jimmy, some kind of salesman of the shady variety. While stuck in the middle of nowhere due to car problems, (how many thousands of movies start with somebody being stuck in the middle of nowhere because of car problems? Isn’t that too clichéd by now?) he decides to get his palm read. The (male!) fortune teller, tells Jimmy very little other than a few vague things about success from Dallas and that he’s going to die. Jimmy has until the first snowfall. After that, something bad is going to happen. What is this bad thing? I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that Piper Perabo plays his wife. She also seems to end up in a lot of movies about lesbians. So that’s a plus in my book. Movie still looks stupid though. I question the intelligence of releasing a movie about the beginning of winter in the middle of spring. Next!

Grindhouse (R): Sike! I saw this joint as a special screening on Tuesday suckers! It’s tight. Two movies by two acclaimed (not the same as good, mind you) directors for the price of one. Violence, nudity and zombies. Not to mention a good soundtrack and the ever wonderful Rosario Dawson, (who will have my children one day. I swear it!) how can you lose? I recommend this one. Go forth and watch!

Are we done yet? (PG): If you had any intentions to see this movie, kill yourself now and save me the effort. Was there a big clamor to see more terrible kids movies starring Ice Cube? Did anybody ask for this sequel? And what the hell is wrong with Ice Cube? Does he have an agent of any sort?

Agent: Okay Cube, here’s the filming schedule. Today we’re going to film Friday 4: Craig vs. the pot cloud that ate L.A.

Ice Cube: Sounds good. Then what’s after that?

Agent: A guest shot on The Wiggles.

Ice Cube: Noice!

The Hoax (R): Richard Gere plays some guy who tricks his book publishers by saying he’s got the definitive biography of Howard Hughes, (this time not played by Leo deCaprio, or however you spell it). Gere, with the help of Dr. Octopus, (looking extremely flabby) cons the company out of a million dollars. Eventually everybody finds out the truth and they end up destroying half the Pentagon and making it look like a plane crash just to cover it up. I have to tell you, Gere is way too old and I can’t take him seriously enough to continue with this review. If you like movies that are slow and about books, then go ahead and knock yourself out with this one.

That’s enough for this week. Now get away from the computer and go function in society!

But, before you go, the third round for Rice T.’s humor blog contest starts on Monday. So get ready. Check out this link below, it should get you there. I’m participating in round three, and I’m allowed to beg my readers to vote for me. But I won’t, instead I’m just begging you all to read the entries and vote for whomever you like best. If it’s me, I’ll appreciate it, if it’s somebody else, I’ll appreciate it too, (just not as much). Laugh on you crazy diamond!