For your viewing pleasure

As hinted at (repeatedly) in previous blog columns, I used to be a professional movie reviewer for a newspaper. And of course, by professional I mean that I wrote an 800-word column about whatever movie I had seen that weekend and the newspaper printed it. I had no experience or training in films, I’ve never been in a movie, (though I have been in a commercial, music video and t.v. show, but that’s a topic for another day) and I don’t hob-knob or rub elbows with movie stars or directors. Which makes me in no way qualified to be a movie reviewer. Yet I was anyway, which just goes to show you, (I don’t know what it goes to show, but it’s something.)

Anyway, I’ve decided to introduce a new reoccurring column topic which is sure to annoy and vex many a person. Sound like fun?

Allow me to introduce the concept of movie reviewing without actually going to see the movie that’s being reviewed! That’s right, this is my first installment of:

REVIEWS OF MOVIES I HAVEN’T SEEN!!

Borat: Sorry everybody but this movie looks like straight ass to me. I don’t find it funny, just really, really annoying. It’s the same guy who does Ali G right? How many people saw his Ali G movie? All of none of them! Trust me, this guy peaked when he was the limo driver in that one Madonna video. I’m sure Borat will be the number one movie in America for eight weeks or whatever, but on the other hand, this is the country that’s had America’s Funniest Home Videos on the air for the last two decades even though it’s the same basic idea in every video, (somebody gets hit in the nuts by something and hilarity ensues.)

The Santa Clause 3: I actually liked the first one of these, and the second one wasn’t too horrible, but I think the third is overkill. How many damn clauses are in this Santa contract? Why is there a contract anyway? Do Santas die on the regular? Is there no job security for them? Perhaps health care? A Santa stubs his toe and he’s automatically dropped for a new guy? I don’t get it. If you do go see this movie make sure it’s because you have kids who want to see it. Don’t go see it in the theater alone, while wearing a raincoat. I learned that the hard way.

Flushed Away: Another kids’ movie. Remember when CGI movies were few and far between and were of better quality? Then they started coming out with these things eight or nine times a year with cutesy little woodland creatures that are highly merchandisable and America began its descent into a lower circle of hell. Flushed Away is CGI, but it’s done in the style of that guy who does claymation movies with cheese-fiend Wallace and his dog Gromit. He also did Chicken Run. You can tell this guy’s style because every character’s mouth looks as though he just gambled and lost with a messy fart in his pants. I think it’s dumb, but that’s just me. I’m sure kids will like this movie since, well, they like anything. Hell, I had the most fun as a kid playing with a cardboard box.

Saw III: The first two movies in this series were damn good, and really freaky, (that one scene in Saw II with the chick in the pit of hypodermic needles was really nasty.) So I think this sequel (triquel?) will be good, I just hope they don’t run the well dry by making too many. But didn’t the killer die in the second one? Who’s going to be the killer in this one? (My money is on Donald Rumsfeld.)

Well, I could spend all day doing this, but then there wouldn’t be any movies to review next week. Maybe I’ll actually go see these flicks then we’ll see just how good my skills as a movie reviewer are.

(And everybody don’t forget my banner contest. Remember, a kick ass banner linking to my blog, will win that creator a very special and super-duper prize, that isn’t at all a cheap t-shirt made by some two-year-old in a Chinese sweatshop located in the bowels of some tenement in the Bronx! God Bless American Capitalism. Anyway, the contest ends November 15th, at which point I will declare the winner and put his or her name out in the public for praise or ridicule, depending on what you think of this blog in the first place. Thanks for your participation and thanks for reading my blog. I write to be funny and I’m glad that you all seem to appreciate it and get the joke.)