Thursday, July 03, 2014

Escalator to Heaven

Greetings friends! I am the Reverend Jophesus Lovejoy McGilicutty. Greetings and welcome to the First Church of St. Brooks the Unwashed. Here we are all children of the Lord. Just little tiny children with out-of-fashion, hand-me-down clothes and poopy diapers. But the Lord doesn’t mind your lack of fashion sense or the stench emanating from your backsides. No! He ignores all that and takes you into his arms, lovingly. He holds you firmly to his manly chest. And just squeezes the evil, the fear and confusion out of you. It oozes out like pus from an unholy pimple. And you become cleansed my children!

I want to talk to you today about your journey along the path to salvation and heaven. Because it’s there for all of us to reach. Except for the gays, the albinos, the Klingons, the penguins and of course the Dallas Cowboys. As long as you do not fall into one or more of those categories, and you have a steady income, you’re place in heaven is assured!

It reminds me of a long and pointless story about a man that I will now relate. The story meanders and loses focus at several parts, but it is an important way to fill time as the collection plates are passed around for the second time. Also, there will be a test at the end. I shall begin: There once was an unrighteous man named Bob who owned three cacti, and a comfortable (though possessed) black couch. One day, Bob…

…and that, dear friends, is why we do not celebrate St. Swigins day in America. Amen.

Now we can learn much from Bob’s example. His use of that plow and his double-jointedness represent ways that we can understand and better appreciate the Lord and all of his actions, even the ones that don’t make any sense. Speaking of which, we will now send the collection plates around again so that you, the flock of the Lord, may donate to the fund to help the families of those school children who tragically died when their bus careened off of a bridge on the way to Toledo for a class trip to the R. A. Stranahan Arboretum. 

We know not why the Lord chose to randomly kill a bus full of children under the age of eight, but we must have faith that he had a greater purpose that we shall never understand. Like zombies were invading heaven and those kids were the only thing to stand between the zombies and the destruction of heaven as we know it. Heck, that sounds like a great summer blockbuster. If they can make a movie about Noah, then why not zombies in heaven?

But I digress. We’re here to talk about Jesus and his awesome abs. I mean, look at this crucifix behind me. Jesus Christ is cut! It must be from all of the walking he did in the Middle East. Have you been there? Nothing but jagged rocks everywhere. It’s a nightmare. Don’t know how Jesus did it. Which reminds me, we are now passing the collection plates in support of our 5k walk to cure carpel tunnel syndrome in orangutans. It is a sad condition and we are doing our best to eradicate it. We wanted to walk for AIDS or cancer, but it turns out that they’re both taken and we could be sued for even trying. Please add Susan G. Komen to your prayers tonight, because the people running her foundation are jerks.

Usually, this is where I would call people forward for communion, but it seems that all of the sacramental wine is missing. We are currently looking for any help in discovering what happened, and of course we are praying our asses off, (for all the good it will do us). So instead I bless you and send you out into the world in peace and love. Also, we do not validate parking.

The Lord be with you!

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