Democrats, Republicans: you’re idiots.
Like idiots you’ve been swallowing every random lie your political overlords have been feeding you.
Like idiots, you continue to abide by a two-party system that often places in power somebody that a lot people don’t want to see as POTUS. I can’t begin to recall how many times I’ve heard people saying they don’t like either candidate running for president (and not just this election) but have been guilted by society into voting for one of them (Vote or Die? Really Diddy? Does that make sense to anybody?).
Well, fret no longer idiots. It’s time for you to be represented by an idiotic Commander-in-Chief! It is for this reason that I formally announce my… wait for it… candidacy for President of the United States of America.
My platform will be based on strengthening our pitiful economy and making America a kick-ass country that people respect and love again, instead of just a place the rest of the world hates and fears because of our insane obsession with forcing democracy on the unwilling, (because honestly, has democracy done us much good recently?)
As president I will:
• Legalize a basic broadcast porn channel. Nobody should be without access to porn 24 hours a day.
• Put watchers in bathrooms to make sure everybody washes their hands. These people will have tasers they will be allowed to shoot into the naughty parts of violators.
• Make all gas stations sell gas for the same price. No more getting gas at one place then looking across the street to see it 5 cents cheaper. That’s so frustrating!
• Allocate money to scientists to create the Flux Capacitor.
• Crush all will and hope of people around the globe in an iron fist! (Oops, how did this one get in here?)
• Give more funding to figure out alternate fuel sources, like solar or hamster power.
• Legalize weed. That’s right, I said it.
• Use all of our recycled soda and beer cans to create giant robots to guard our border. Not the border with Mexico, the Canadian one. Those crafty bastards have been up to something for a while now.
• Outlaw any movie with the word “Movie” in the title, like “Date Movie,” “Epic Movie,” “Superhero Movie,” and “Movie: The Movie.”
• Force Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly to train as MMA fighters for two months. Then at the end of those two months, they’d have to go into the Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leaves. Whomever wins gets to be the official spokesman for my white house press conferences.
• Do Bai Ling in the Lincoln bedroom and Rosario Dawson in the Oval Office. That’s called international relations bitches!
• Send some covert ops people to take out anybody in the world I didn’t like. I’m not talking about World Leaders here, just people I don’t like. I’m looking your way - guy who kicked me in fourth grade.
• Learn another language. Not for any specific reason, I’ve just wanted to learn Spanish or whatever and I think I’d have enough free time as the President to get that done.
Let’s get serious here. People are going to demand honest changes, and I’m the guy that can make those changes happen. Our economy right now is crazier than Lizzie Borden* on meth and it’s up to a strong leader to slap that bitch sane again, and since there are no strong leaders around, I’ve volunteered to take responsibility!
So on Tuesday (two days after my birthday, represent) step boldly into that voting booth with pride in your heart, a pen, marker or crayon in your hand, and be sure to cross out Barack Obama and John McCain and write in Joshua: President of the Eighty-Four Glyde, with a big ole check mark next to it! You’ll be doing this country a favor.
I’m Joshua Hutcheson and I approve this message.
*Let it not be said that I don’t keep it topical!