Voice: That’s the question today. In order to figure out what you’ve accomplished so far with your life, let’s look at where you are.
Me: I’m 27, in the army and sitting in Iraq in a uniform that chicks say is hot, but which hasn’t helped me get laid once.
Voice: Alright. Let’s approach it from another angle: What’re your goals?
Voice: Just tell me about your damn goals!
Me: Well, this one time, when I was 13, I did this sweet banana kick with the outside of my left foot that fit nicely into the upper left hand side of the net, the keeper wasn’t even close! The crowd went wild!
Voice: Goal -noun: The result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.
Me: Ahhh. Goals! Well, I never really thought about that. I guess my goal is to die rich and famous, like Jesus and Elvis combined.
Voice: Hmmm. To know what you’d like in the future, let us look back at what you wanted to accomplish when you were young. What did you want to be when you were seven?
Me: Death. Destroyer of worlds.
Voice: Ooookay. How about when you were 10?
Me: I wanted to be a masked vigilante. But that dream died at the age of 12 when another kid’s arm got broke. Guess I don’t know my own strength.
Voice: At 13?
Me: A certified accountant. The main character in The Shawshank Redemption knew how to get that money! Plus, at the time, I had a deep fascination for gangsters. Not the punk ass ones like Scarface. But the real old school guys, like Lucky Luciano and Capone. Back then I wanted my own criminal empire. I was a fence throughout most of high school.
Voice: So you went from wanting to fight crime when you were young, to wanting to be a criminal a few years later. Interesting. And at 16?
Me: A parapsychologist. I’m scared to death of ghosts and things of that nature. At that age I was very much into spiritual stuff, not religious stuff so much, but just the idea of there being some next-level shit going on made me want to be a part of it.
Voice: At 19?
Me: Hmmmm. It was around 19 or 20 that I decided that I wanted to be a writer. Which is what I’ve wanted to be ever since.
Voice: And have you done that? Have you written anything?
Me: Well…sure. I wrote for my college paper and created a humor column that’s still continued to this day, not that I get any credit for being the originator. And I’ve been a journalist in the army for at least six years. I’ve written hundreds of stories for countless newspapers, magazines and websites across the world, both military and civilian, and have won a butt load of awards doing so. I also write a corny little blog online that seems to have at least a couple fans. And it’s the blog that brings me more personal pleasure than all of the professional writing I’ve done and for which I’ve gotten paid.
Voice: So what have you accomplished with your life?
Me: Well, I may not be rich, or famous, or have a dong that could choke a Filipino hooker, but I’ve messed with peoples’ heads, made a living out of doing what I love to do and left my own little mark on the world.*
Voice: Great. Now let’s go get a drink.
*Put that shit on my tombstone son!