Barbara Walters, Larry King, Oprah and Geraldo. All of them have contacted me in the past, in the vain attempt to gain knowledge of how I can constantly come up with such insightful, witty and mind-bendingly intelligent Eighty-Four Glyde entries on a regular basis.
But I always send them away with a stern look and a shake of my head. For they are not capable of asking the proper questions to gain access to the inner workings of my incredibly complex and deep mind. Nor do they possess the cognitive capacity to understand the words of truth that would flow from my mind like a massively churning river of knowledge and wisdom.
So my mind remained a locked vault, inaccessible to the Great Unwashed. Which is a pity, because people could learn so much from me, and peace would reign throughout the land.
I have discovered a person worthy of interviewing me with five questions of amazing depth. His name is Marc(o) Porno and these are his questions. Read on ye mortals and prepare to be awakened to higher levels of consciousness.
1. What's the craziest sexual experience you've ever had? (Typical question from me...)
Well, since my parents and sister read Eighty-Four Glyde, I guess I would have to say that I’m still a virgin, waiting for marriage to give myself unto a woman. Because that is the right and proper thing to do.
If my family didn’t read this, then I’d say that my craziest sexual experience would probably be the time…hmmm…now that I think about it, I’ve had a lot of crazy experiences. Geez, I’m kinda slutty. Well, there was this one time when a girlfriend and I decided to do it at a popular D. C. nightclub. Not in the bathroom or an alley behind it mind you, but right there in front of everybody while sitting on a bench. We thought we were slick about it and that nobody could tell what we were doing (she was wearing a skirt so no clothes had to be cast aside or anything), but that proved to be false, because this chick came up and sat next to us to get a better view. She told us as much and attempted to have a conversation with me about the times she’d engaged in similar activities, as the act continued. She seemed to be a little too into it, so we stopped and she wandered away sullen. That might or might not be the craziest sexual experience, but it was the first thing I thought of. And since it’s an ex girlfriend, I don’t have to feel bad about dropping dimes, cause I won’t get in trouble.
2. What are your future plans after your career in the military?
That’s a good question. Answering it is hard because I have lofty goals and if things don’t go down the way I write them, people are gonna wonder what kind of loser I am. Let’s just say that the endstate of things is that I plan on being super famous and ridiculously rich in the future. At which point I will rub it in the face of everybody on my Jerk List. (oh, there’s a list alright. Be afraid!)
My more immediate goal is to go back to college and finish my English major, (creative writing to be more specific). Thanks to the Montgomery G.I. Bill I’ll only pay a billion dollars instead of a trillion. Thanks government! Since I have wanderlust, my hope is to go to school in another country. I’d like to go to Australia, but anywhere (other than the majority of Europe) is fine with me. Failing that, somewhere really random in America, like Barren Wasteland University, or Frozen Tundra Tech.
3. Why do you write blogs?
I write for a few reasons. I started Eighty-Four Glyde to impress a chick, (didn’t work. In fact I have yet to acquire a single Glyde Groupie. How pathetic is that?! Share with me your secrets Tucker Max!)
Another reason I write is because for every newspaper and magazine I’ve worked for I’ve written a humor column. The internet, and Myspace in particular) seemed like the next logical medium to continue writing a humor column, but this time with more freedom. Without the stifling hand of an editor to alter the content and words I use, I get to write what I want to, how I want to. Sometimes I succeed in making people laugh, sometimes I fail horribly. But at least it’s because of me and my desire to experiment with writing styles and topics. Having nobody to blame but yourself is refreshing.
But the biggest reason is because I write. I may not be good at it, (and no, saying that isn’t me trying to get my ego soothed by people) but that doesn’t matter because I enjoy doing it and a person’s love for something should outweigh and bring more pleasure than their level of skill in it. I think I’m somewhat talented at writing and always strive to write. That’s why I wrote for my college paper, why I became an English major, why I am a journalist in the army and why I write Eighty-Four Glyde. (Though the occasional groupie or two wouldn’t hurt.)
4. I know your excitement about the summer movies you'll see when you come home. If you could see the best movie ever, that hasn't been made yet, what would it be?
I’m a bit of a movie fan. Okay, a big movie fan. I prefer bad movies because those are the most fun, but I’ve seen enough films to think that I could come out with a great movie. Maybe not the best for everybody, but it’d do it for me. It would combine (steal) things from movies and books that I’ve absorbed to be something old and new at the same time. I would have John Woo-style gun battles, violent ballets of blood and bullets. I’d throw in some Jackie Chan-like fight scenes (none of that fighting people do on wires where they seem to float all over the place) mixed with a little of Tony Jaa stunts and moves. It’d have many layers to it, so you could watch it and enjoy it as a teen and then watch it 20 years later and discover a whole new side to the movie that you never noticed. It’d be an adventure. Indiana Jonesesque treasure hunts are always fun. It’d have a realistic ending too, maybe the hero will die, but probably not. Gotta set up that sequel!
5. Ever sniff the paper after wiping?
Much like Prince Akeem, I have wipers who do the dirty work for me. What they do afterward, I haven’t the slightest clue. I’m waiting for the day when scientists invent a pill that eliminates any of that, so there are no clingons or residual waste. That would totally eliminate, like, 20 minutes from my allotted toilet time.
I’d like to thank Marc(o) for those excellent questions and I hope you all learned something interesting. And now let me share the wealth and wow you with my interviewing skills. I shall pay it forward. TTFN.
Here's the "rules" as they were sent to me:
How to Play:
1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog (so you have to have a blog) with a post containing your answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.