Friday, April 18, 2008

It’s all right (and that’s the problem)

Cars, scissors, can openers, school desks, machine guns, pens and pencils, guitars, computer mice, zippers, analog watches, locks, doorbells, Chihuahuas, grapefruits, mirrors and so on and so on and so on. What do they all (well, most of ‘em) have in common?
They’re all designed for right-handed people.
As a lefty I am sick and tired of the discrimination against southpaws like me. We’re people too, with feelings and toenails and favorite flavors of kool-aid, just like the rest of you!
I cannot express the frustration of being a young child, full of hope, naivety, wonder and optimism, struggling vainly with a pair of right-handed scissors, (i.e. every freakin pair of scissors you’ve ever come across) on a piece of construction paper that I had transformed into a wonderful piece of art (Arts & Crafts represent son!) for my devoted parents. What started as a nice card telling my parents how much I appreciate them, (lovingly full of backward facing Es, badly drawn stick figures, houses with smoke coming out the chimney, cotton ball clouds, birds shaped like the letter M and glitter up the whazoo!) turned into an exercise in futility and humiliation as all my friends laughed at my inability to use a basic tool of childhood. I was a pariah! Exiled in shame simply because of the hand I use to navigate through life.
You righties have no idea how annoying it is to go home at the end of every school day and have to wash and scrub the hell out of your left hand because of all the ink that is on the bottom of it from a day of taking pointless and often indecipherable notes (“Hepatome matrices are often congruent with their reverse sine waves.” What the hell does that even mean?!*)
Speaking of school, what kind of sadist decided that all desks will have a place for your right elbow to rest as you write and completely ignored lefties?

Luke: Hey man, you built these desks so that only right-handed people would be able to use them comfortably. What about lefties?
Jon: Screw ‘em all! My dad used to get drunk and beat me when I was a child, and he always used his left hand. This is my revenge!
Luke: You twat.

Frankly, I find that this “leftist” mentality that society has has gone on long enough. I demand retribution. Where’s my can opener that won’t slice five layers of skin off my hand when I try to use it? Where’s my car with the gear shift on the left?
Oh, I know what you’re saying: “Josh, they’ve already got shit for lefties to buy. There are left-handed scissors, notebooks and whatnot out there for you. Quit complaining!”
Let me tell you something about those dumb notebooks, cause I got my fair share of them when I was younger. First of all, they’re nothing more than regular notebooks turned upside down. That’s retarded. Secondly, if you’re seen around school with one of those things, you’re treated like Eric Stoltz in “Mask”. Lame is the word I would use.
Also, do you know how much research and junk you’ve got to do to find left-handed versions of things? That’s a colossal waste of time, especially if you have to order it from online. I shouldn’t have to go through all that just to get a computer mouse that I can use to access that wonderful internets porn.
Just having left-handed items available isn’t enough to assuage the pain us lefties have felt since the beginning of time, (it’s a well known fact that the first left-handed caveman was beat to death by a group of right-handed Neanderthals to appease the sun god.) The only option is that everything should be created for the use of lefties and all you rightholes need to adapt to our shit! How’s that sound?!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We lefties are the last unrepresented minority. It’s time we speak up and do something about our status as second class citizens. This goes beyond the typical bigotry the United States is known for. This is worldwide! If we don’t do something now, our children and our children’s children will be forced to grow up in a world that is controlled by people who are out of their right minds!**

*Not a thing. I totally made that up. But if it turns out that it actually does make sense, then I did it on purpose cause I’m a genius!

**It’s a left-handed joke. You rightholes wouldn’t understand.

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