Ladies and gentlemen, a great thing has occurred. Never before have men and women come together for such a just and noble cause. You are about to bare witness to the birth of a new, more harmonious world wherein men and women are able to work and live together. Check it.
Back in the early months of this year, a cry went up into the heavens. Men and women everywhere were confused and angered by current events (like Britney going from a sex goddess adored by 98% of the human population to a diseased whorebag that not even Charlie Sheen would touch, Kobe Bryant humping random chicks in Colorado and giving out big ass diamond rings and gorgeous blond teachers banging their young and totally undeserving students) and decided to do something about it.
What they did was this: both sexes nominated 10 of their most lauded and respected members (you might remember all of those stupid banner ads on Myspace asking who was hotter based on their chin or whatever) and sent those 10 people to Djibouti, Africa to take place in the first ever Breeders’ Summit (sorry Friends of Dorothy, you’ll have to have your own summit).
These 20 people represent you, they represent your friends, your lovers and all other people who get down with heterosexual sex. It’s no use trying to argue or fight with the results of the summit. And there’s no reason you should. The 2007 Accord marks a break-through that all breeders can embrace. I was given a press release by the P.R. department involved in the Breeders’ Summit, to share with you. The following is a sample of the rules that have been agreed upon by men and women that you will follow for the rest of your life. The Accord has been divided into three parts, one for men, one for women and one for both. Included are a few of the most important rules. Don’t bother arguing with me about the rules. I didn’t come up with any of ‘em. I’m just the messenger.
For Men and Women:
· Whenever a date has been scheduled, the inviter either pays for everything or gets to choose the venue.
· “I love you,” doesn’t always have to be returned. There is no obligation to say it back.
· If both parties are drunk when any sexual activity goes down, then it is considered consensual for both. Even in the morning when you wake up next to Medusa’s uglier sister. No backsies!
· There will be no more dressing to match as a couple. Such uber-sweet activities have led to an increase of diabetes.
· Sex three times a week. Rain or shine.
· You have to give up control of the remote 35% of the time.
· When cooking for women, be sure to have more than one item of food. Include a salad, or appetizer. Some sort of chocolate-laden desert is a must.
· When watching a long sporting event, (anything over two hours) an equal amount of time must be given to such channels as DIY, Home & Garden, Oxygen or Lifetime.
· You must watch at least one show that your woman watches, so that you can keep abreast of what interests her.
· Foreplay must take place at least once a week.
· Complement her in a way to make her feel special and unique, at least once a week. (Complements can be recycled.)
· Only call your man with an agenda or purpose. Not just to talk.
· Feelings don’t always need to be shared.
· If your man has done something to upset you, you must tell him. Men are unable to read minds.
· From now on, you must check to see if the toilet seat is up or down. Having the seat down is your responsibility.
· You must lose an argument every other week. The previously established rule that women are never wrong has been repealed.
· You must watch one show that your man watches. So that you can keep abreast of what interests him.
· All fashion, talent or beauty-related reality shows must be watched on your own time.
Like I said, these are just a few of the more than 75 rules that we decided upon. If you were a part of the Breeders’ Summit, what rules would you make up?