There’s been a sad trend recently where it seems to be “cool” to not drink, or to bad mouth those who do. The bad rap that drinking gets upsets me so much that I can barely finish my Gin & Tonic (& vodka & rum & rubbing alcohol & gasoline.) I’m here to set the record straight and maybe, just maybe, reverse this crazy teetotalling fad. Because there is absolutely nothing cool about not drinking. Nothing I tells ya!
Let me start off with the first myth that people have about those who drink. Drinkers fall into two categories: social drinkers/occasional drinkers and alcoholics. Naturally, this is nonsense. There are several thousand categories (or “levels”) of drinkers, of which “Alcoholic” is in the middle. At the lowest end of the spectrum you’ve got the person who has had but one drink their entire life. At the highest end you’ve got Barney Gumble and Nic Cage’s character from Leaving Las Vegas, (though I have to admit, he didn’t seem all that bad. He was mostly in control.) Just below that level you’ve got the rich WASP cougars with names like Buffy and Pussy. They drink because being rich and occasionally humping the guys who secretly run the country, (when they’re not busy bumping uglies with Julio the cabana boy) just isn’t enough for them. So they escape to alcohol. Those bitches are constantly drunk! Man, I wish I was one of them, (except for the banging Julio part, and I’m not really sure what a cabana even is.) On to the next myth.
Being an alcoholic is a bad thing. Yeah? Says who? This country was founded by alcoholics! (they were also hypocritical slave owners, but we’ll ignore that for now.) Everybody knows that famous quote Ben Franklin said about beer: “Beer is like the most kick ass drink ever discovered! Yo Handcock! You’ve got a super gay ass name! Where’s the &$*@($* beer bong you bitch?!” Truly, words that will live forever.
Alcoholics are all around you, completely pissed and able to maintain without you knowing. Doctors, judges, senators, blog writers, and they are able to do what they need to do without any problems or mishtakeses. And you know why? Because they are “High-functioning Alcoholics.” Hell, rock stars are idols in our eyes because of their drinking lifestyle. You want to be like rock stars don’t you? Then pass the &$*&#($ beer bong bitch!
Drinking before the evening is the sign of an alcoholic. Nuts to that. That’s so arbitrary I don’t even know how to respond. Besides, does drinking at nine a.m. really count if you never went to sleep the previous night?
Drinking and driving causes car accidents. Anybody who’s ever driven while drunk knows that their driving skills are enhanced by drinking. I have personally broken the land speed record twice, and one of those times, I’m pretty sure I was driving on a lake, (the other time I was in a nursing home. I figured, hell, old people are constantly driving into other people’s houses, why not return the favor?) Besides, everybody knows that the real reason there are car accidents are because of:
a) Women drivers
c) Cell phones
d) Old people
f) Everybody else on the road not being as good at driving as me
So, what have we learned here today? We’ve learned that drinking isn’t such a bad thing. Hell, one of the greatest moments in American history is when everybody got together and beat up those stuffy, opinionated, wet-blanket, middle-aged biddies who whined and whined until they were able to foist Prohibition upon us. We beat those bitches good! Then we sprayed malt liquor all over them!
What else did we learn? We learned that drinking isn’t just an American tradition, it’s a religious one as well, (actually we didn’t learn that at all, I just now mentioned it.) For, was it not said that Jesus was once at a college kegger and turned a barrel of water into jungle juice? Hell yeah he did! And he got so wasted he actually thought he was walking on water. The Apostles peed their dresses about that one.
To sum up: Wait, what was I talking about? I kinda forgot. Damn, I’m three sheets to the wind. Oh man, I think I’m gonna puke!
Rehab is for quitters!