Monday, April 02, 2007


There are those who fill fit to question. There are those who fill fit to doubt. Let me clear such doubts and questions from your wee puny minds right now.

People are always asking me, “Josh, did you really do any of those things you’re constantly alluding to on Eighty-Four Glyde, or is that just a pitiful attempt to pull in more readers?” To which I respond with a two-handed bitchslap to the face while wearing more rings than Radio Raheem.

It’s funny, because I don’t need to lie about myself in a blog, my real life is interesting enough without the fiction or hyperbole. Or sure, you can assume that blogs where I talk about an army of Were-Joshuas, or my autobiography about growing up in Pago Pago, or wherever the hell I said I grew up, are fake. Those are for the humor factor.

“But Josh, what about your being homeless, adventures in the Bermuda Triangle, ability to speak French fluently, your old band career, your heavenly skills on the piano, your masterful way on the saxophone, your God-like abilities in the kitchen, jail time, your escapades again secret collegial societies, your being a Kentucky Colonel, embarrassingly small genitals, run-ins with the law, legendary parties, time spent living with a stripper, the full-ride scholarship for swimming that you turned down, having 16 jobs including being a repoman in college, your time as a prolific high school fence, your successes as a world-renowned photojournalist, your misadventures in that pesky old war in Iraq, celebrity family members, etc?”

Well, as far as you’re all concerned, those are just rumors and legends that I circulate to promote my mysterious and mythical nature. Pay them no mind. Don’t worry about it. Live in the here and now. My past is as uneventful and boring as it exciting and adventurous.


On another subject, I’m pleased to announce that yesterday was the start of, (no foolin’) Mustache Month! What’s fresh hell is this, you ask? It was something I created my last tour in Iraq as something to do to relieve the boredom that is the constant threat of messy, exploding death. It’s quite simple. Starting the first of the month, all the way to the last day, you grow a mustache. What makes it fun is if you’re like me and you can’t grow a decent mustache to save your life. Then the whole month is spent with a depressing, wispy thing on your upper lip that draws attention to itself and causes much embarrassment. Tom Seleck and swarthy Europeans make it look so easy!

It was a successful event last year, (though the follow up Shave Your Head Month didn’t fair as well.) so I decided to do it again this year. So far, my malleable friends are the only people I’ve gotten to do along with this, but I’m sure it’ll make its way around soon enough. So, men, women, if you want to, (and if you can) why not grow out a mustache? There are dozens of different types and none are off limits, (though I’m sure the Hitlerstache will not be amongst the styles chosen) and most of them are ridiculous. If you’ve got a sense of humor about yourself, then the whole month will be more fun than picking up chicks at abortion clinics. Join me, won’t you?


And to finish off, here’s my shoutout to all my month of March subscribers. I’d like to thank: Gina, G3N3RIC, Linsay, Cavepimp has Brain Damage, Poo Poo Panda, Greg-SpAsTiC, mish: the martini man, hoozat lady, Moronic Mark, Amykins, Evan, Caroline,, Lee the Square Cracker, Ok, Now what? Kristin, Someone you used to know, The Adventures of 2Hermanas, Fantasy is not reality, April and nightofthecomet, for all subscribing to Eighty-Four Glyde in the month of March, either in 2006 or 2007. Good looking out, all of you.


Oh wait, one last thing. Rice T is doing his famous humor blog contest again, (new month, new chance to lose). This time it’s broken down into three rounds, instead of one big-ass round. I don’t think that readers will be voting this time, just judges. But if readers are allowed to vote I just want to make sure that you vote for whomever you feel is the funniest. I personally won’t be included until Round Three, which I think is later on this month. Go check out, to see more.

1 comment:

Joshua said...

I did a lot of spelling errors in this one. Yikes.