Friday, January 12, 2007

Age is nothing but a number

I feel that it is my duty as a scribe of these modern and horrific times to make everybody aware of the latest in Internet scams. After all, I want to help as many people as I can so they don’t end up like me.

What is this current trend? What is this scam that threatens me, you and everybody you know? Liars. Can you believe that there are actually people on the Internet, (Myspace especially) who lie about their ages? Why would they do that? What sort of sick, twisted fun do people encounter, what sort of perverted and deranged jollies can be obtained by such games and lies? I’ll tell you what kind, the kind that ends up with people getting their heads stomped in and their butt holes penetrated. But I get ahead of myself. Allow me to start this tale of woe from the beginning.

In my continuing search for a woman to spend my life with, who will love me, cherish me and keep my balls as a trophy on her mantle, (just like the girlfriends of all my friends! Yay!) I decided to take my search to this fabled and wondrous thing called the Internet. I figured that what better way to find a leech to suck all the joy out of my life than with modern technology? You’ve got your dating sites, you got your amateur porn and dating sites, you got you craigslist, you got your facebook and most importantly, you’ve got myspace. So I did what any decent, wholesome young American man would do. I went trolling for chicks on myspace. Makes sense to me.

Now, I’m no Tucker Max or anything, but I’ve had my share of the ladies. I know what my type is and what it isn’t. With all the problems I’ve had with women over the past decade I decided that my previous approaches and choices in women could stand to be changed. So I flipped the script.

Too often have older women been my bane and downfall, so I decided to switch to younger chicks. It wasn’t a bad idea. I figured that if I could get them young enough I would find a girl before some other guy messed her up bad enough to give her baggage for life*. Then I could mold her any way I wanted to. And with a plan like this I figured, the younger the better!

There were many girls for me to look through. Many I tell you. But finally I was able to whittle it down to one chick. She seemed nice, funny, genuinely caring, attractive and hella mature. Even though she was only 14 (according to her profile) she sure had a big vocabulary. She used words I didn’t know about at her age, that’s for damn sure. The weird thing is that our conversations always turned sexual. No matter what I was trying to talk to her about, she’d find the sexual aspect of it. It kind of made me wonder just how sex-starved a 14 year-old can get. Here’s an example.

Josh: So, how are you doing tonight? What’s new?

Internet Girl: I’m doing fine. I just had my period today, so I don’t have to worry about being pregnant.

Josh: Huh? Is that a big concern for you?

Internet Girl: Well, you never know do you? I mean, here I am, sitting at home, my naked, almost pre-pubescent-like body still wet from the shower I just took. Am I’m still shuddering from how I pleasured myself in the shower with the water.

Josh: Sounds like you really enjoy bathing!

Internet Girl: You know I do! Does that description arouse you? Does thinking about me taking a shower make you horny?

Josh: Yeah, I guess so, but right now I’m more concerned with this piece of fried chicken that fell down behind my couch cushion.

And so on. That’s usually how our conversations went. Until one day she suggested we meet. She sent me an instant message telling me that her parents would be gone the following night at a play and she’d have the whole house to herself. She suggested I come over and bring a tube of Astroglide. I liked where her head was at, so I agreed. Eight p.m. the next night we were to meet for the first time and I couldn’t have been more excited. She was the 14-year-old queen of my dreams!

The next night arrived and so did I. I showed up right on time and went to the back yard just like she told me. I waited for a couple of minutes, unsure of what to do. She had previously told me that I should just wait in the backyard until she came out to get me. Then I heard her voice for the first time. I couldn’t see her, because the area where her voice was coming from was behind some bushes, but I could hear her. She told me to come in the house through the kitchen door and that she’d join me in a second because she just wanted to make sure that she was ready.

So I walked in.

The next thing I knew I was blinded by several bright lights and surrounded by a camera crew. I was stunned, I had no idea what was going on. My confusion was complete. Then this guy came out from the living room area and introduced himself. He said his name was Chris Hansen and that he was with Dateline NBC. It seems that he’s the host of a popular segment and I was going to be featured in that segment. I was on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator.

Turns out there was no 14-year-old Internet chick. It was all a big scam to trick me and get me to come to the house. The police were there and the put me in a pair of handcuffs and leg chains. I didn’t really consider myself the dangerous type, but they said that they couldn’t trust a deviant, perverted, sexual predator like me. Then they hauled me off to jail, where I had to post a $35,000 bail. My trial is set for two weeks from now.

Lawyers’ fees, court fees, bail, the shame I brought my family, the stigma attached to me, the having to tell people I’m a pederast when I move to a new neighborhood, the fact that I’ll probably find another woman again. All of these things are in my future because I went looking for love in all the wrong places.

Don’t you hate it when people lie about their ages? Remember my story next time you go online to try to find your soul mate! And please, when I’m in prison, will somebody send me the good, soft kind of toilet paper? I’m sure my ass is going to hurt from all the anal raping that’ll most likely occur.

*A problem one often encounters. You meet a girl, she seems nice and a good match for you, then you find out some other guy did this really horrible thing to her (like throw her favorite shoes away or something) and she holds it against every man for the rest of her life. Which might not seem too bad until you realize that it really ruins the moment when you spend 20 minutes trying to remove shoes that have been securely fastened to a chick’s feet by eight yards of duct tape.

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