Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Unfortunate demise of the American consumer paradise

In my continuing search for up and coming satirical writers, I asked my good friend Tres, The Green Lion, to hit me up with this humorous look at malls. It’s actually kind of bleak though. I think the Green Lion may need some help, or at least he should stay away from malls.
Enjoy!

The most heart wrenching thing in life is to happen upon anyone or something that has long ago served their function or purpose, yet still remains, existing.

This revelation struck me as I entered the wholely unremarkable destination of a mall. These mammouth structures of unified instant gratification peddlers have long since past their prime. The time has drawn nigh for these entities. However, I believe, we should honor their last hooray for glory while accepting their inevitable fate of oblivion. Once upon a time, malls maintained a comfortable monopoly on the core fabric and connectivity of our society. They provided a stage on which one could perform for the world (showcasing your fresh pressed lastest threads). They would tantilize us with the most unexpected gifts (running into the resident stalker). Taught us how to hone our interactioin capabilities (how many numbers did YOU pick up/give away?). And allowed us to share our fervor of capitalistic living (punching out the other guy during the tickle me elmo sale).

Sadly, those days are gone, never to be seen again. Malls are dead and we killed 'em. Lines of unbearable length have fallen before the mighty "CLICK" of the mouse! Looking to put on a front and go trolliping to get into the other sexes pants? THAT'S what Myspace is for! (Only optional if you're married) Can't find that have-to-have-it-or-I'll- just-die item, search Ebay. Nothing to do and have a few hours to kill? Ok, got me there, thats why they're still around.

To kill time. And buy something while we do it.

Face it. We, as a society, are outgrowing malls. It hurts but growing seldom feels great (graduation notwithstanding and even then the forlorn looks of realization of having to face the real world were ever present) or helpful. Those who claim I'm ranting and have no clue of what I'm taliking about may be right. This was the first time I've stepped into a mall in years, but I've heard of them and their plight often.

If you feel I'm unjustly foreboding the doom of malls, please, keep it to yourself. You're from the same stock that maintained the roller rink and disco would forever be center stage in society. Shame on you! If you 're not and you've been gifted with insight beyond sight, take a moment...honor malls...their gifts to us...and grin at their grim, grim fate.

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