This is why it pays to schedule

“Good afternoon and thank you for calling Nefericorps, here for all of your nefarious and diabolical needs. How may we help you today?”

“Uhhh, yes, hello. I was hoping to set up an encounter with the Paladin?”

“Okay sir, we can set that up for you. What is your name and what time frame were you looking at?”

“Ummm, yeah, right. Ummmm, I’m the Distributor, and I’m hoping for a fight downtown next Wednesday?”

“The Distributor? Okay sir, let me just see if we can fit you into the Paladin’s schedule. Hmmmmm……, well sir, it looks like the Paladin’s next available time will be Thursday, June 19th, around, 2:15 am. Does that work for you sir?”

“What? June? But that’s months from now! The tigers and jellyfish will probably be dead by then. Not to mention that the summer city bus schedule hasn’t been released yet!”

“I’m sorry sir, what did you say your name was again sir?”

“The Distributor!”

“I see, and what does that mean?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“I mean, what’s your angle? What do you ‘distribute’?”

“Death and destruction! Fire and brimstone! Fire and ice! Salt and pepper! Liver and onions! Whatever be your worst nightmare, you fool!”

“Liver and onions? So whatever people fear, you distribute”

“You got it buddy.”

“And exactly how do you ‘distribute’ these fears? Do you carry a bottomless bag? Mental powers? And are things distributed evenly, or do you just kind of wing it? Do you have a set plan that the hero can deduce in order to get ahead of his crimes? Or do you just fly by the seat of your pants? Speaking of which, what kind of crimes do you intend to commit? Even more importantly, have you committed any crimes yet? Are you registered?”

“Registered? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. One of my henchmen is in charge of all paperwork, I’ll have to contact HR and get back to you. As for crimes, I like to rob banks, menace the general public, knock over seaside banana-stands and challenge heroes to epic battles!”

“Okay, any aspirations for world domination? Control over reality or perhaps even the universe?”

“Nah. I’ll leave that to villains with ambition. I’ve seen what happens to those guys and it’s not pretty. You’d be surprised at the various shades of guts can come out of one person.”

“Yeah…., I bet. So you’re just a run-of-the-mill villain? So we’re looking at about a Level 3 villain threat?”

“Well, I’m not that lame, I mean, I’ve got powers, I’m not just some goofball in a costume. I’m at least a Level 3.5 or Level 4.”

“Powers? So are you a mutant? Altered human? Alien? Time-traveler? Other? What did you fill out on the application form?”

“Well, I’m not entirely sure about that. I haven’t had a chance to check. Let me do some brainstorming with my crew and I’ll have an origin story for you.”

“You don’t have an origin story yet? Hmmmm, that will cost you Mr. Dispenser. It will work against you for application acceptance.”

“The Distributor, you ninny! Listen you red-tape jack ass, I can make your life miserable with a wave of my wand, or a wave of my hands, or my ray gun, or lasers shooting from my forehead. We haven’t decided yet. Whatever does best in the focus groups. I just want to fight the Paladin!”

“To be frank…. Mr. Distributor, did you say?”

“You know what my damn name is. And if I ever learn yours, I’ll make sure that your skin will be flayed from your bones and I’ll make you eat it!”

“Did I not introduce myself? I’m sorry sir. I should have done that at the beginning of the conversation. I broke protocol. My name is Gene and this call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.”

“Whatever dude, jut set the encounter up for next week, alright? My plans are pretty precise, very convoluted and the majority of it is based on unbelievable luck for me and incredible stupidity from my enemies. It took me months to plan, and if I can pull it off I’ll look better than Paul Newman and Robert Redford in ‘The Sting’!”

“Well, as I was saying, guy, is that the Paladin has an extremely busy schedule. When he’s not saving the city, the planet, or giving bullies wedgies, he’s out in space, fighting alien menaces and the personification of fear, anger and other elemental and Jungian archetypes. It’s all very stressful and requires his complete attention. In the rare time when he isn’t doing battle, he’s either at his favorite bar, getting super drunk, or getting some tail. He’s a Level 13, and you’re just a Level 3.5 at most, (and that’s being generous). He doesn’t really have time for a low-level villain such as yourself, sir.”

“Come on Gene! There’s got to be something or somebody available next week.”

“Let me check with my co-worker Mr. Brooks. Give me a moment please.
Well, it looks like you’re in luck sir. If you’re willing, Professor Lord will be available next week.”

“Professor Lord? That guy’s a chump. But beggars can’t be choosers. Alright Gene, let me put my scheduler on the phone with you to work out the details. And next time Gene, I swear to all that is a curse and blight across this galaxy, that I will get what I demand and have better service!”

“Thank you Mr. Distributor. I hope that I have been helpful today and met your nefarious needs. Feel free to call Nefericorps at any time for future requirements.”

“But wait! Don’t hang up! I haven’t gotten the details yet!”

*CLICK*

Loneliness of the Short Distance Runner

My heart was going like crazy. You know how you always hear those metaphors and similes about people’s hearts beating really fast and really hard? Yeah, they’re all true and the whole area is so saturated with sayings that I’m not going to waste my time adding a new one. Just pick one you like and run with it.

Speaking of running, that was what was currently causing my increased heartbeats. Well, at this point it wasn’t running so much as it was more like a controlled stagger, or perhaps a determined scurry. Between the salty sweat burning my eyes, my heart doing its best to break its way out of my chest and the fact that my feet felt like I had decided to take a stroll through a bed of hot coals, I was not having fun. And I was only 1.5 kilometers in.

What was I doing, you ask? Why was I doing it, you wonder? Easy, I was running a 5k race, for charity. That charity being “Tats for Tots” (because I firmly believe that every infant in America should have a tramp stamp.) Actually, a friend convinced me I should do it. He said it was a good cause and it’s great exercise. After he woke up from my bitch slap at such a ridiculous concept, he offered to pay me money instead. I can’t turn down a good bribe. (Be sure to take note of that. If I’m ever a referee at a game you’re playing in, it may come in handy, hint, hint.)

Sure I used to run all the time in the army. I’d run from chores, responsibility, accountability, etc. But it’s been a few years. I’m not the spring chicken I used to be, (what does that make me, a fall hen? And why a chicken? I’m a dude. But I digress.) I have a spare tire big enough to hide a shipment of cocaine smuggled in from Mexico. Which meant that I had to begin my training.

* Cue training montage. Shots of me doing one-armed push ups, squats while holding a car, pulling a train with my teeth and other such normal things that I do on a regular basis. Have “Superballs” by Insane Clown Posse playing over it. *

After a grueling 23 minutes of training, I knew I was ready. Which was good, because the 5k started in ten minutes. Which about brings us up to speed (get it?) to where we were at the beginning of this non-linear story.

I never realized how much my body is an old collection of broken down junk. Maybe people are on to something with the whole “eating healthy” “diet” and “exercise” thing. Maybe I should have treated my body better so that it would treat me well in return. Maybe I should have bought those steroids from that shady Bulgarian doctor.

Oh well, too late now.

I decided to fight on. I wasn’t going to let this measly 5k beat me (how far is that anyway? I’m American, I don’t believe in the metric system). So I focused my mind like a steel trap, honing it on my one goal. I concentrated on my destination. I willed my body to ignore all aches and pains. I pushed myself harder, faster. My eyes never wavering from the finish line. I had become the definition of running. My body and mind were perfectly in synch. I was an arrow, a missile, a rocket. Launched at a target and ready to complete my goal. I could not be stopped. I was the Flash, Sonic the Hedgehog and some third really fast fictional person in popular culture. Everything became as a blur to me. Time slowed, I felt like I was running through thick, viscous air. People looked frozen in place as I sped by them like a bus that couldn’t go under 50 miles an hour or it would explode (?). I ran through that finish line tape with all the joy and pride of somebody who just one the Nobel Prize for curing boob cancer, (you’re welcome ladies.) I had done it! First place! I set out to accomplish something and did it with determination and zeal! I climbed that mountain! And as I stood there, proudly, with my chest out and thunderous applause in my ears…

… I woke up. The EMT guy said that I tripped on my laces and the starting line and knocked myself unconscious.

This is why I don’t get out of my recliner.

New World Order

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I saw a vision last night. A vision of a Brand New World. A world that is divided into two separate and distinct groups. With an immense and uncrossable gulf between them. A chasm so large and so deep, that it makes the Marianas Trench look like a crack in a sidewalk by comparison. And it widens everyday.

These two groups aren’t what you expect. It’s not the haves vs. the have-nots. It’s not race vs. race. It’s not Americans vs. Terrorism. It’s not religion vs. religion. It’s not Christians vs. Atheists. It’s not even Republican vs. Democrat. But in a way, it’s all of the above. Because all of those conflicts, those differences in beliefs and appearances and ideas, can be boiled to the most simplistic conflict of all: Us vs. Them.

My vision is of the far future, but not so far that it couldn’t happen in our lifetime. This vision was of  a divided Internet. Divided, separate, but perhaps not so equal. Maybe SOFA passed and the government took control and created this division, maybe it was just a natural progression and aggression that’s been building up since the Internet was invented, lo those many years ago. It’s a fight that’s waged across websites, forums, blogs and the like. A fight that’s ruined many a friendship, broken lives and caused much ridicule. I’m talking about the fight between the “Grammar Nazis” (I prefer the term Users of Proper English) and the “I don’t care, I’ll write any way I want, what are you gonna do about it?!” Or, in their terms “FU. U an noBdy cn tEl mE how 2 riTe!”

The distinction between the two sides can be quite fascinating. The reason the UPErs enjoy spelling correctly is because it’s correct, doesn’t make them sound like idiots and allows people to take what they say seriously. The reason the other group chooses to spell the way they do is about as organized as the Occupy Wall Street movement. Everybody is in it for their own stupid reasons. Let’s see what the top ones are, shall we?

1.     I just never learned how to spell properly.

Is your life over? Are you too busy with your job as head of an important corporation to take a few minutes out of your day to learn the difference between there, their and they’re? No, you’re just lazy.

2.     I can write however I want. I’m not trying to be some kind of brainiac like you. This is how I write. Deal with it!
I will deal with. Just as you’ll have to deal with that series of dead-end jobs you’ll have for the rest of your life. I’m sure that’ll help support the two kids you had by the time you were 18. Oh, and that’ll be a medium fries. Thanks.

3.     I’m just talking to you, why do I have to be formal and shit? Besides, you know what I meant.
This one is my favorite. Oh, you’re just talking to me? I’m not worthy of correct spelling? You’re an idiot. Not only is there no respect going on here, but on top of that I have the extra work of having to translate your bullshit version of English. Thanks for that, asshole.

The thing about the immense gulf between these two groups is that there’s no incentive to reconcile. This isn’t like the Civil War when people on both sides wanted to bridge the gap. This isn’t like the Klingons and the Federation trying to make an alliance for the benefit of both sides.

This conflict is much different. People from all walks of life will be divided. Parents on one side, children on the other. Forget Gray vs. Blue. This is friends against friends. Siblings against siblings. Everybody against everybody. It won’t be rich white people on one side and poor blacks on the other. Everybody is against everybody else. Us vs. Them.

You’d think that cleaving families like that would be a good reason for everybody to find common ground. However, people who spell properly have no desire to purposely misspell words. That’s unthinkable and dumb. People who purposely spell like English isn’t even in their top three languages are too prideful and stupidly stubborn to use spell check, let alone learn how to even write their own names.

This is the future. Maybe our schools could change that. But it’s doubtful. I honestly don’t see how this Brave New World won’t come to pass. And I don’t know if it’s a good future or a bad one. I just know that’s what it will be. I before E, except after C, bitches.

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure Against the Breast Cancer that Joseph Kony is Giving Invisible Children

For far too long, we have stood by and done nothing as that evil bastard Joseph Kony has slaughtered billions of thousands by using breast cancer (and the fact that we aren’t aware of what breast cancer is) and he continues his reign of terror unabated. We must put a stop to that now! And the only way to do so is to throw money at the problem and post things on Facebook.

But now, it seems that even those two, half-hearted and pointless answers aren’t enough.

So join me, April 20, 2012, as I run a 10-k to raise money to fight both breast cancer and Joseph Kony in one fell swoop! For each dollar I raise, we can, TOGETHER, feel better about ourselves without actually doing a damn thing! TOGETHER, let’s pretend to fight things that we have no chance of beating, or that we just heard about a few days ago, (because face it, we all know shitty stuff is going on in Africa, that’s why we turn a blind eye, it sucks over there!)

With each dollar raised, we can stop the horrors surrounding blood diamonds… what? We’re not doing the blood diamond thing?... But it’s killing so many people and it’s a cause that we could actually do something about… No?... Yes, I know people care more about diamonds than the atrocities that allow them to wear the stupid rocks, but… Okay, fine. Maybe another time.

Anyway, join me on April 20, and together, let’s do the bare minimum so that we can sleep better at night, pretending that we actually did some good. It’s what all those dead people in Africa with breast cancer would have wanted.

And the Oscar goes to…

People always ask me, “Hey Josh, what movie do you think will win the Academy Award for Best Picture this year? Who do you put your money on?” To which I usually reply, “Sure, it’s 4:47.” Because once people start talking about the Oscars, my brain shuts down and I start thinking about interesting things, like wondering if I could handle the cinnamon challenge.

But this year, you’re in luck! I happened to have seen all 9 movies up for best Picture and am perfectly willing to do a quick synopsis of each, followed by my, set-in-stone, pick for the winner. So pick out your finest overalls and dust off your fanciest Tevas, because tonight we hit the red carpet on our way to see…

1. War Horse

War Horse is a tragic tale of loss, redemption and murder. Starring Vincent Price, Charles Bronson and Paula Poundstone as the titular War Horse, this movie takes place during the Trojan war, when large armies fought epic battles all for the sake of holding the tv remote. This five-hour long movie shows the journey Paula Poundstone takes from being a forest of living, healthy trees, to a giant, hollow, wooden horse occupied by soldiers who use her to enter the city of Troy and give everybody wet willies.

My favorite aspect of this movie is that it feels timeless and like an instant classic due to the fact that they didn’t use as CGI effects. Director Werner Hertzog believes in realism and practical effects and that shines through in this delightful picture. If you haven’t yet, go see this movie. It’ll change your life.

2. The Artist

The Artist is quite an interesting movie, if only for it’s bold approach to its subject matter. Staring a watermelon and three grapes, The Artist tells the story of fruit, long abandoned by the people who purchased them, who are forced to come to terms with that abandonment. Shot in real time, this movie is innovative as it shows the three-week process of fruit rotting. It’s powerful and will tug at your heartstrings, whatever heartstrings are, I’m not a cardiologist.

3. Midnight in Paris

The first thing you need to know about Midnight in Paris is that it takes place in Bakersfield, CA. Often mistaken for the pornographic movie One Night in Paris’ Herpes-Riddled Vaj, Midnight in Paris is actually the thrilling story of a man and a woman and their struggle to finish the Friday version of the New York Times crossword puzzle. Ned Flanders and Cher struggle to finish the puzzle while juggling the responsibilities of cleaning the floors of movie theaters. If you’re in the mood for a taut thriller with superb acting, in Korean with British subtitles, then this movie is right up your alley!

4. Moneyball

Moneyball is a documentary about Lance Armstrong’s battle and triumph over testicular cancer, and his subsequent sex-change operation to join an all-female wrestling league. The pacing is great and the story is brimming with good humor and much pathos. This is by far the best animated documentary I’ve seen this year and I can’t speak highly enough about it. Moneyball is sure to warm the cockles of even the grinchiest heart.

5. The Descendants

The Descendants is this year’s only sci-fi entry. Starring Diablo Cody and Spuds MacKenzie, and directed by George Takei, The Descendants flies us up into outer space where our heroes must do battle against the forces of evil, in the form of intergalactic postal workers. The special effects and make up are great, all the way down to Diablo’s double space labias. I highly recommend watching this movie after drinking seven cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

6. The Tree of Life

I’ve seen The Tree of Life four times and I have absolutely no idea what it’s about. Something about dinosaurs, trees and life. Also, I think I saw a hippo and a giraffe copulating in the background in one scene.

7. The Help

The Help is a foreign movie, straight from China and director Robert Rodriguez. It’s not often that martial arts movies become Best Picture contenders. In fact, I believe the last one was in the early 70s, the Dolomite sequel The Human Tornado. Unfortunately, it lost to Somebody to Shove, a movie about love and punching people in throats.

The Help, is about Bruce, a drug-addicted ping pong paddle, who fights his way through the Toronto underground, to get back the woman he loves, played by MC Skat Cat. The fighting scenes are very well choreographed and the action is non-stop! So be sure to snort at least two grams of cocaine while watching this to feel fully immersed in the action.

8. Hugo

Hugo is the coming-of-age story, starring George Burns as Hugo. Hugo is a young boy sent off to Christian Bible Camp one summer by his nephew, as a cruel joke. Throughout the movie Hugo has to learn important bible skills during the day and secret study the Torah at night, because he’s Jewish and Australian. Oh, did forget to mention that? Because it’s vital to the plot. Also, he has two left arms and he’s a robot with laser-vision.

I really liked this movie because I could totally relate to Hugo. He had all the problems I had when I was his age, Jewish and Australian. Then I converted. The ending is the saddest part, when Hugo uses his newly acquired Christian skills to baptize himself to death.

9. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is a silent movie about people who get off on rubbing on other people in tightly-packed buses and trains. Filmed as a mockumentary, this is a hilarious look at this disturbing subculture of perverted freaks. Featuring cameos by Michael J. Fox and the ghost of Bernie Mac, this story is great for the whole family and extremely funny and incredibly hilarious (see what I did there?) Rated NC-17.

Well, there you have it. A rundown of all the movies in this category and how good they are. Each one is a work of art and they are all worthy of being chosen as the Best Picture for 2011 (except for Tree of Life). But if I had to pick one to win, I would have to go with a film that was, in my opinion, snubbed and wrong excluded from the category, and that would be The Twightlight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. Go team Edward!*

*Just kidding, that’d be a cruel joke. I actually think that The Human Centipede II should win.