And yet, somehow, a more fitting title could never be dreamed up. How odd.
Anyway I got some new problems that I’m going to lay out for all of you, (because that’s what I do, I whine and complain in a humorous way. I’d tell you to call me Bitterman, but I’m sure that’s copyright infringement on the comic strip).
Contrary to what my second autobiography, (Joshua: A story of Love, Adventure and Saturday Morning Cartoons) says about my accomplishments, I know that I didn’t invent or discover myspace.com (motto: A place for friends, white teenage girls trying to flaunt how sexy they are even though their asses and chests are concave, and old perverts who enjoy the easy, one-stop shopping of the site.) Nor was I even among the first people to use the site. Nay, I joined on the bandwagon late in the game, realizing this was a great way to prey upon young, naïve girls, (just kidding). Hell, I’ve been living a lie these past few months. You may have heard me at parties, three sheets to the wind, boisterously bragging that “Tom” and I are friends in real life and threatening people to prove otherwise. Sadly, this is not the case. I’m the only person in the history of Myspace whom Tom has dropped from his friends list. That was the day I turned to the bottle for solace.
Yet, I feel that, even as the Johnny-come-lately that I am, that there are some things we can do to improve the place overall. I mean, if we all cooperated in the spirit of unity and togetherness, we could make Myspace a lil slice ‘o heaven. Know what I mean? Do I dare to submit my ideas to the community?
It’d be a pretty damn short and boring entry if I didn’t!
1. Ladies, ladies, ladies, sorry that this first suggestion/rule will hit so close to home for most of you, but I say it in the idea of progress. Limit yourselves to one(1) picture of any pets you may have. In case you have many pets, just do a group shot. You don’t actually have to be in the picture with the animal(s) they know they’re loved. This applies to guys as well, but women are the biggest offenders.
2. This second suggestion is really just a follow up to the first one. You have a child or children; that’s great, but they’re really not that cute or attractive to people who aren’t related to them. Limit one picture as well. This is for both men and women, but I’m more concerned about the women. There’s nothing worse than trying to check out the other pics of some chick to see how cute she is and all you get is 10 pictures of her proudly holding up the results of some drunken mistake, (ummm, I’m talking about people in general, nobody in particular, so don’t get mad). That’s not hot! That’s what photo albums are for. Wait until you snare and trap a guy in some loveless and stifling relationship before you beat him over the head with the insanity that is your life!
3. It took me months to figure this out, (and because it’s more important to girls than guys I bet most guys still don’t know it) but the Top Eight, (16, 32 what have you) is in order! Deal with it! If you don’t agree with this concept, then please put a disclaimer somewhere on your page voicing your outrage to the very idea of ranking people on a site about friends.
4. As much as I dislike the idea of “friend-whores” (you know who you are. Hundreds of friends on Myspace, and maybe two friends in real life) I can’t make any rules about them, since this is a place for friends. But I suggest that regardless of the number of friends you have, you should write a comment or message to them at least once a month. If you do not receive anything in return within a month period, drop that person, cause they ain’t your friend. Don’t have more friends than you can keep up with.
5. Bulletins: Nobody reads them, so quit writing them unless you’re promoting an event. I’ve had dozens of people ask me (I don’t know why) if there’s a code to disable the bulletins. I don’t know, but it shows that people just hate the damn things.
6. This ties in with suggestion/rule four. Unless you know the members personally, bands aren’t your friends. Same goes for Tila Tequila!
7. Keep the backgrounds of your pages simple. There’s only one thing worse than a page that takes ten minutes to load, and that’s a page with such a convoluted background that you develop serious eye problems attempting to decipher the size 10 words thereon.
8. There’s no rule saying that you have to use your own name in your profile, but it’d be nice if your real name was somewhere on your page. Just for those people from your past who think they might have found you can be sure. Besides calling yourself Da Pimp Master, or somesuch shit, really isn’t that original.
9. Speaking of people’s names in their profiles, don’t do stupid ass designs with parentheses and asterisks and shit like that around your name. It’s annoying and insulting to anybody unfortunate enough to come across your page.
10. Here’s the most controversial suggestion: everybody should put up one naked picture of themselves. Wouldn’t that be interesting to see everybody starkers? (not family members, that wouldn’t be cool.) I mean, you can’t hide with some shit like that. You’re just out there for everybody to see, no faking. Oh, and the pictures should be taken once a month and kept fresh.
11. Everybody should read Eighty-Four Glyde, (but you knew that one already didn’t you? Cause you read it!)
Friday, July 28, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
And the answers came pouring in...
After several thousand emails filled with answers as to why this planet is called "Earth", I have found one that I feel to be the best explanation. This comes from Vince, an army medic with a large brain, (or an over active imagination).
His prize? A guest column spot later on. Until then, enjoy!
Well Hutch, I must say that I am hurt, I do not know who this supposed expert on all things scientific is, but please allow me to make up for his unforgivable shortcomings and provide you with an answer on your origin of the earth question.
First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to share my credentials, for before I offer my opinion I think that it is important to recognize that I am an expert in my field, and therefore my explanation be without reproach.
When I was seven years old, I fell down and scrapped my knee, thus learning the valuable lesson that the earth is hard. When at the young and impressionable age of 19 I saw a globe for the first time, and I realized that this planet is shaped like a ball, I deduced that it is round. And lastly, when I was 23, a very large classmate of mine made me eat dirt, and from that experience I was able to deduce that the earth is yucky. Therefore with a history such as this, I propose to you that I am an expert on all things scientific, and especially those relating to Terra Mater, or Mother Earth.
The Earth, or as the ancients wrote it E.A.R.T.H. has been around for years and years. It is pretty old, in fact considering it was the ancients who first saw the Earth, it is only right that they named it after themselves. Therefore, it should come as no surprise to discover that the first two letters of our planet's name stand for Extremely Ancient. Upon further analysis, the ancients also realized that the planet was round, thus the R was added to the name.
Unfortunately, since the Namers of the planet were not blessed with the modern vocabulary we now have, they did not know how to describe the Round thing soon to be called Earth, so the name Round Thing stuck. Recently discovered Polynesian documents detail several dark, dark days in ancient history where the Earth was actually known as the Eart. It was in fact not for many weeks that the H was added to the name.
The etiology of the H is not clear, but the common consensus is that King Herbert of the Holotheisian Horde was walking home from a hotel when he hit his head and fell, scraping his knee. "Holy Hell!" he exclaimed, "this Eart is Hard" and the H stuck.
So now Hutch, you know how the Earth got its name.
In the future, I beg of you, please consult me on these difficult scientific matters, and I will be glad to share with you the knowledge borne of alcohol and boredom, so that you too may be edumakated.
Please stay tuned to Eighty-Four Glyde for my upcoming guest column on an important issue currently being debated on the world stage.
Until then my friends
His prize? A guest column spot later on. Until then, enjoy!
Well Hutch, I must say that I am hurt, I do not know who this supposed expert on all things scientific is, but please allow me to make up for his unforgivable shortcomings and provide you with an answer on your origin of the earth question.
First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to share my credentials, for before I offer my opinion I think that it is important to recognize that I am an expert in my field, and therefore my explanation be without reproach.
When I was seven years old, I fell down and scrapped my knee, thus learning the valuable lesson that the earth is hard. When at the young and impressionable age of 19 I saw a globe for the first time, and I realized that this planet is shaped like a ball, I deduced that it is round. And lastly, when I was 23, a very large classmate of mine made me eat dirt, and from that experience I was able to deduce that the earth is yucky. Therefore with a history such as this, I propose to you that I am an expert on all things scientific, and especially those relating to Terra Mater, or Mother Earth.
The Earth, or as the ancients wrote it E.A.R.T.H. has been around for years and years. It is pretty old, in fact considering it was the ancients who first saw the Earth, it is only right that they named it after themselves. Therefore, it should come as no surprise to discover that the first two letters of our planet's name stand for Extremely Ancient. Upon further analysis, the ancients also realized that the planet was round, thus the R was added to the name.
Unfortunately, since the Namers of the planet were not blessed with the modern vocabulary we now have, they did not know how to describe the Round thing soon to be called Earth, so the name Round Thing stuck. Recently discovered Polynesian documents detail several dark, dark days in ancient history where the Earth was actually known as the Eart. It was in fact not for many weeks that the H was added to the name.
The etiology of the H is not clear, but the common consensus is that King Herbert of the Holotheisian Horde was walking home from a hotel when he hit his head and fell, scraping his knee. "Holy Hell!" he exclaimed, "this Eart is Hard" and the H stuck.
So now Hutch, you know how the Earth got its name.
In the future, I beg of you, please consult me on these difficult scientific matters, and I will be glad to share with you the knowledge borne of alcohol and boredom, so that you too may be edumakated.
Please stay tuned to Eighty-Four Glyde for my upcoming guest column on an important issue currently being debated on the world stage.
Until then my friends
What I did on my summer vacation, or What’s in a name?
(Originally written Friday, July 21, 2006)
I did a little research during my short time off, (that's right, you may not have noticed but there haven't been any Eighty-Four Glyde entries in awhile. I'm in a war, things came up). I did this research because I felt it important to answer some questions that have been rolling around my brain because, sadly, I've got nothing else to think about out here, (except delicious July Fourth sugar cookies.)
As I said, I'd been pondering on some stuff that I was ignorant about, and I wanted answers. So, I did the first thing I could think of, I went and asked my good and suspiciously made up-sounding scientist friend, Dr. Gooch. Sadly, he wasnt any help.
Me: Yo, Dr. G, I got some questions that I need answered, and you're just the man to do it!
Dr. Gooch: I don't think so douche, you still haven't paid me for my last two appearances on your stupid little blog. I mean, nobody even reads that damn thing! Why should I pimp out my obscenely vast scientific knowledge to something that's read less than a book in Anna Nicole Smith's house? (Dr. Gooch likes to keep his insults topical and relevant, just like me.)
Me: I think you misunderstood me Herr Doctor; there is information that I require of you and I shall get it, one way or another...(pulling out the blow torch and a pair of pliers)
Dr. Gooch: Screw you!
At which point the good doctor proceeded to run away. He sure is wily for an old man. So, I was left to do a little research myself.
The question? Who the hell was put in charge of naming the continents, the ocean and the very planet upon which we reside (Earth for those who might have forgotten)?
I mean, I know who America was named after. But why? Amerigo Vespucci was just some old world map maker. The kind of guy who, when he got confused as to how a shoreline looked, would just fill up the space with drawings of dragons and sea monsters and write "Here there be monsters." Could you imagine getting away with such shoddy craftsmanship these days? Microsoft can.
Have you ever wondered why its called Earth? (Unless theres a huge bong cloud around your head, I'm sure the answer is no.) And why did they call it that? Why not something interesting, like Superworld?
Anyway, it was with these questions in my head and the internet at my fingertips, that I decided to get off my lazy ass, (figuratively of course, I was still sitting on my lazy ass when I checked the computer. Hell, I'm sitting on it right now!) and find things out for myself.
What I found astounded me to my very soul!!! (I'm pretty much soulless and shallow )
After a quick and superficial, (15 minutes is all I'm willing to commit to this endeavor, in the name of science) search of two sites, (ask.com and wikipedia) I found absolutely nothing. Anybody surprised? I got plenty of info about the Latin, German and Olde English roots of Earth and every synonym you can think of, (like terra) as well as oodles of definitions. Yet nobody could say who chose to call it Earth, or why they picked such a mundane name. True earth, dirt, ground and terra all mean the same thing, but if that was the only criterion for naming, then all planets would have been named Earth, right?
Doesnt make sense to me, and I can't rely on Dr. Gooch to make up (I don't think he really knows anything and I don't even think he's a real doctor, to be honest) an answer, so I'm going to pose it to you: the readers. If anybody out there can give me a credible sounding reason, real or fake, as to why we live on "Earth" and not "Clitoris" or "Dirt" or something weird like that, then please feel free to write me with your answer. I'll even include it in another entry I do as a follow up, and, (are you ready for the lie?) you'll get a free Eighty-Four Glyde t-shirt! Hooray for knowledge!
I did a little research during my short time off, (that's right, you may not have noticed but there haven't been any Eighty-Four Glyde entries in awhile. I'm in a war, things came up). I did this research because I felt it important to answer some questions that have been rolling around my brain because, sadly, I've got nothing else to think about out here, (except delicious July Fourth sugar cookies.)
As I said, I'd been pondering on some stuff that I was ignorant about, and I wanted answers. So, I did the first thing I could think of, I went and asked my good and suspiciously made up-sounding scientist friend, Dr. Gooch. Sadly, he wasnt any help.
Me: Yo, Dr. G, I got some questions that I need answered, and you're just the man to do it!
Dr. Gooch: I don't think so douche, you still haven't paid me for my last two appearances on your stupid little blog. I mean, nobody even reads that damn thing! Why should I pimp out my obscenely vast scientific knowledge to something that's read less than a book in Anna Nicole Smith's house? (Dr. Gooch likes to keep his insults topical and relevant, just like me.)
Me: I think you misunderstood me Herr Doctor; there is information that I require of you and I shall get it, one way or another...(pulling out the blow torch and a pair of pliers)
Dr. Gooch: Screw you!
At which point the good doctor proceeded to run away. He sure is wily for an old man. So, I was left to do a little research myself.
The question? Who the hell was put in charge of naming the continents, the ocean and the very planet upon which we reside (Earth for those who might have forgotten)?
I mean, I know who America was named after. But why? Amerigo Vespucci was just some old world map maker. The kind of guy who, when he got confused as to how a shoreline looked, would just fill up the space with drawings of dragons and sea monsters and write "Here there be monsters." Could you imagine getting away with such shoddy craftsmanship these days? Microsoft can.
Have you ever wondered why its called Earth? (Unless theres a huge bong cloud around your head, I'm sure the answer is no.) And why did they call it that? Why not something interesting, like Superworld?
Anyway, it was with these questions in my head and the internet at my fingertips, that I decided to get off my lazy ass, (figuratively of course, I was still sitting on my lazy ass when I checked the computer. Hell, I'm sitting on it right now!) and find things out for myself.
What I found astounded me to my very soul!!! (I'm pretty much soulless and shallow )
After a quick and superficial, (15 minutes is all I'm willing to commit to this endeavor, in the name of science) search of two sites, (ask.com and wikipedia) I found absolutely nothing. Anybody surprised? I got plenty of info about the Latin, German and Olde English roots of Earth and every synonym you can think of, (like terra) as well as oodles of definitions. Yet nobody could say who chose to call it Earth, or why they picked such a mundane name. True earth, dirt, ground and terra all mean the same thing, but if that was the only criterion for naming, then all planets would have been named Earth, right?
Doesnt make sense to me, and I can't rely on Dr. Gooch to make up (I don't think he really knows anything and I don't even think he's a real doctor, to be honest) an answer, so I'm going to pose it to you: the readers. If anybody out there can give me a credible sounding reason, real or fake, as to why we live on "Earth" and not "Clitoris" or "Dirt" or something weird like that, then please feel free to write me with your answer. I'll even include it in another entry I do as a follow up, and, (are you ready for the lie?) you'll get a free Eighty-Four Glyde t-shirt! Hooray for knowledge!
Spring Cleaning
(Originally written Saturday, June 10, 2006)
Alright, I'm cleaning out my Eighty-Four Glyde closet. Included are some Columns that I started, but never got around to finishing, either because I didn't have time, I lost my train of thought or I just wasn't interested in finishing. Some were time sensitive and stopped being topical after about a second. Some could offend, so I never finished. Anyway, here's everything I've written, in its entirety. Sorry theyre incomplete, I'm just trying to get rid of everything I've got thats Eighty-Four Glyde related. Consider this stuff like all those Tupac albums that keep coming out every so often. Tracks that Tha Row have that suck, but they;re still going to try and cash in on them. Or as Dave Chappelle said: "Tonight were going to eat all snout."
Genius or perverted genius?
So on 420, this really old dude, (76 years old to be precise) was arrested down in Miami. He was charged with sexual assault, but I have to wonder if thats really what it was.
You see, he was arrested for pretending to be a door-to-door breast inspector. He was caught after a woman became suspicious and called the cops on him. Maybe she didn't believe his official looking badge or something. No wait, I just checked the story and it seemed what roused her suspicion was the fact that he wasn't wearing rubber gloves. She must have believed him at first, because she took all her clothes off and he was already in the middle of his exam when she realized he was not employing proper hygiene. She called the cops and he fled, although I don't really think you'd call trying to make an escape at the age of 76 fleeing, more like a slow but determined retreat.
When the cops eventually picked Dr. Feelgood up, he had already given exams to at least two other women. How crazy is that? How much of a Gump do you have to be to believe that some weird old man showing up at your front door, offering to do a little booby-fondling under the guise of a medical exam, is legit? I figure that's why they booked him under a sexual assault charge, simply because they couldn't book him under a charge of embarrassing some grown-ass women who should have known better. He didn't force himself on them; he didn't get them drunk or give them drugs. He just asked to touch a titty. Who knows, maybe he was able to alert some woman just in time. I would also conjecture that he could possibly have some medical training.
The five hottest women in the world
It is my opinion that everybody should have a list of the five hottest members of the opposite sex. This list should be made up of Hollywood stars and musical icons. While youre considering who would be in your top five, consider my list, which I made about 10 years ago.
1. Salma Hayek. Easily the most beautiful woman in the world, she blows away the competition. Though she appeared in Mexican soap operas back in the day, she wasnt on La Madrastra, therefore nobody watched her. Her first big movie was Desperado, where she played a hot chick. She continued in this way, appearing in movies as a hot chick, (or hot vampire) until her lapse and uncharacteristic portrayal of Frieda Kalho, in the movie Frieda. Though Frieda was known for her wild love affairs with both men and women, she had a ridiculous unibrow and a mustache thats better than one I've ever been able to grow. She lost mucho points for being in this movie. Luckily, she made these points up when she broke up with Ed Norton, who was totally undeserving of her.
2. Rosario Dawson. Rosario is a recent addition to the list. Prior to her, this spot was held by Jennifer Lopez. Sadly, Jennifer started to become too full of herself, obsessed with money, (her love don't cost a thing? How come she ain't married to some poor dude?) aware of how sexy and sultry she is and spent too much time trying to convince everybody shes still from the streets. She had to be permanently taken off the list, shes too overexposed!
I spent many moons racking my brain over who could fill her spot.
Ruminations..
Seriously though, why all the fuss about missing white girls? I mean, either give all races equal treatment on this issue, or just stop reporting it. Nobody cares enough about any of it. Why not just expand the faces on the back of milk cartons idea? We could put faces on cigarette packages, beer bottles, backs of porn magazines and Big Mac wrappers. That'd about cover places every American would notice.
Ever notice how, when something happens involving teens, or people who havent yet reached adulthood, the media try to make the parents feel like ignorant losers? A kid died a few months ago playing that game where you pass out. Remember doing that when you were a kid? I did it plenty, and it was fun. The media got a hold of the game, called it the "Choking Game" in capital letters, put it inside quotation marks and pretended like it was something they just discovered, which adults never knew existed.
The media keep talking about Myspace, (motto: a place for friendsand creepy old sexual predators) and how kids are doing all these things behind parents backs. If reporters are right, kids are getting away with all types of stuff and their parents are blissfully unaware of anything going on in their childrens lives. Who are these absentee parents? The same invisible parents of Sally and Charlie Brown?
Workout regiment of the Gods!
While in America one day, a friend asked me if I'd like to join him in a trip to his gym. We could get in a great workout and meet some interesting and ripe smelling women.
I naturally jumped at the chance to potentially due serious harm to my weak and flabby body.
Country Music: The official music of patriots
Fiddling with the dial, (I'm talking radio dials here, lets keep it clean people) of the radio in any backwater, (a word whose meaning is lost in the annals of time, though I guess I could look it up were I not so damn lazy) in America will most likely bring in the melodious strains of one of the countrys most popular forms of music: country music.
I'm not here to judge ...oh wait, yes I am. And today I'm going to focus my steely gaze and severe (but humorous) criticizing mind on this type of music and its connection to the American military.
So, country music. What can I say about country music that hasn't already been said a million times? It's extremely booty? Thats been covered. It all pretty much sounds the same? Yep, we all know that already.
Why do people listen to country music? Why do they like it so much? Why are so many country artists writing patriotic songs?
And there you go, some of these suck and some of them had some potential. Hell, perhaps one day I'll actually finish up my list of five hottest chicks in the world, I know some people might be curious to see the rest of the list. Some people, (Veronica) already know.
Thats it, I'm done! I'm ready to start fresh again.
Alright, I'm cleaning out my Eighty-Four Glyde closet. Included are some Columns that I started, but never got around to finishing, either because I didn't have time, I lost my train of thought or I just wasn't interested in finishing. Some were time sensitive and stopped being topical after about a second. Some could offend, so I never finished. Anyway, here's everything I've written, in its entirety. Sorry theyre incomplete, I'm just trying to get rid of everything I've got thats Eighty-Four Glyde related. Consider this stuff like all those Tupac albums that keep coming out every so often. Tracks that Tha Row have that suck, but they;re still going to try and cash in on them. Or as Dave Chappelle said: "Tonight were going to eat all snout."
Genius or perverted genius?
So on 420, this really old dude, (76 years old to be precise) was arrested down in Miami. He was charged with sexual assault, but I have to wonder if thats really what it was.
You see, he was arrested for pretending to be a door-to-door breast inspector. He was caught after a woman became suspicious and called the cops on him. Maybe she didn't believe his official looking badge or something. No wait, I just checked the story and it seemed what roused her suspicion was the fact that he wasn't wearing rubber gloves. She must have believed him at first, because she took all her clothes off and he was already in the middle of his exam when she realized he was not employing proper hygiene. She called the cops and he fled, although I don't really think you'd call trying to make an escape at the age of 76 fleeing, more like a slow but determined retreat.
When the cops eventually picked Dr. Feelgood up, he had already given exams to at least two other women. How crazy is that? How much of a Gump do you have to be to believe that some weird old man showing up at your front door, offering to do a little booby-fondling under the guise of a medical exam, is legit? I figure that's why they booked him under a sexual assault charge, simply because they couldn't book him under a charge of embarrassing some grown-ass women who should have known better. He didn't force himself on them; he didn't get them drunk or give them drugs. He just asked to touch a titty. Who knows, maybe he was able to alert some woman just in time. I would also conjecture that he could possibly have some medical training.
The five hottest women in the world
It is my opinion that everybody should have a list of the five hottest members of the opposite sex. This list should be made up of Hollywood stars and musical icons. While youre considering who would be in your top five, consider my list, which I made about 10 years ago.
1. Salma Hayek. Easily the most beautiful woman in the world, she blows away the competition. Though she appeared in Mexican soap operas back in the day, she wasnt on La Madrastra, therefore nobody watched her. Her first big movie was Desperado, where she played a hot chick. She continued in this way, appearing in movies as a hot chick, (or hot vampire) until her lapse and uncharacteristic portrayal of Frieda Kalho, in the movie Frieda. Though Frieda was known for her wild love affairs with both men and women, she had a ridiculous unibrow and a mustache thats better than one I've ever been able to grow. She lost mucho points for being in this movie. Luckily, she made these points up when she broke up with Ed Norton, who was totally undeserving of her.
2. Rosario Dawson. Rosario is a recent addition to the list. Prior to her, this spot was held by Jennifer Lopez. Sadly, Jennifer started to become too full of herself, obsessed with money, (her love don't cost a thing? How come she ain't married to some poor dude?) aware of how sexy and sultry she is and spent too much time trying to convince everybody shes still from the streets. She had to be permanently taken off the list, shes too overexposed!
I spent many moons racking my brain over who could fill her spot.
Ruminations..
Seriously though, why all the fuss about missing white girls? I mean, either give all races equal treatment on this issue, or just stop reporting it. Nobody cares enough about any of it. Why not just expand the faces on the back of milk cartons idea? We could put faces on cigarette packages, beer bottles, backs of porn magazines and Big Mac wrappers. That'd about cover places every American would notice.
Ever notice how, when something happens involving teens, or people who havent yet reached adulthood, the media try to make the parents feel like ignorant losers? A kid died a few months ago playing that game where you pass out. Remember doing that when you were a kid? I did it plenty, and it was fun. The media got a hold of the game, called it the "Choking Game" in capital letters, put it inside quotation marks and pretended like it was something they just discovered, which adults never knew existed.
The media keep talking about Myspace, (motto: a place for friendsand creepy old sexual predators) and how kids are doing all these things behind parents backs. If reporters are right, kids are getting away with all types of stuff and their parents are blissfully unaware of anything going on in their childrens lives. Who are these absentee parents? The same invisible parents of Sally and Charlie Brown?
Workout regiment of the Gods!
While in America one day, a friend asked me if I'd like to join him in a trip to his gym. We could get in a great workout and meet some interesting and ripe smelling women.
I naturally jumped at the chance to potentially due serious harm to my weak and flabby body.
Country Music: The official music of patriots
Fiddling with the dial, (I'm talking radio dials here, lets keep it clean people) of the radio in any backwater, (a word whose meaning is lost in the annals of time, though I guess I could look it up were I not so damn lazy) in America will most likely bring in the melodious strains of one of the countrys most popular forms of music: country music.
I'm not here to judge ...oh wait, yes I am. And today I'm going to focus my steely gaze and severe (but humorous) criticizing mind on this type of music and its connection to the American military.
So, country music. What can I say about country music that hasn't already been said a million times? It's extremely booty? Thats been covered. It all pretty much sounds the same? Yep, we all know that already.
Why do people listen to country music? Why do they like it so much? Why are so many country artists writing patriotic songs?
And there you go, some of these suck and some of them had some potential. Hell, perhaps one day I'll actually finish up my list of five hottest chicks in the world, I know some people might be curious to see the rest of the list. Some people, (Veronica) already know.
Thats it, I'm done! I'm ready to start fresh again.
It takes a helping hand
(Originally written Thursday, May 25, 2006)
Sure are a lot of hungry people in the world. Ever notice that? Poor people too. Man, they're everywhere. This makes me sad. I'm not saying I have it so great, (I am in the army after all) but I still, literally, have it better than billions of people. Where am I going with this? Well, never let it be said there wasn't at least, (at most really) one altruistic bone in my body.
I think that we should go forth into the world and make it a better place for everybody. And even though I'm an American, (though not as patriotic as I should be) I don't believe that making the world a better place means forcing my idea of peace and democracy upon the unfortunate natives of varied and foreign lands.
Nope, the policy of our insane, yet well-meaning, (they mean to become richer at the expense of everybody else) American government, is not my policy. I am a firm believer that charity starts at home. My home to be exact. Give me money!
Seriously though, I'm sure that no matter what part of the country, (I'm guessing all the readers live in America, I don't think Eighty-Four Glyde has gone global yet, but next time you're in a seedy hostel in eastern Slovakia drop my name and they'll give you the Eli Roth special package) there's at least one area where poor people are forced to reside, (if you're living in the Midwest and you're reading this column, you're probably one of those people, I'm looking in your direction Ohio!)
"Why don't these poor people just get jobs?" Those less intelligent and thoughtful of you might be asking. "Why don't you stop being so ugly and stupid you ugly stupidhead?!" I might eloquently respond.
Some people are way to glib. Wanna hear something that's funny in its pitifulness? After Katrina hit, one person asked me why all the poor black people didn't leave. I said it was because they were too poor to afford the means of transportation to get their black asses the hell out of the way. She said that they shouldn't have been poor.
I pondered this. According to her logic, because a person is poor, that person deserves to be at the mercy because they didn't have the foresight. Interesting isn't it?
I did the whole homeless thing once. Just for a little while. It wasn't fun. I had no money for food. Every so often I'd go to a pay phone call up a pizza joint and have them deliver a pizza to a house where I would sleep in the stone cellar, (that cellar, by the way, is where the owners of the house would let their dog do its business. They never bothered to house-train the damn thing, they'd just throw it in the cellar until it was finished). I'd pay by check because I knew that by the time it bounced I'd have eaten the pizza. Luckily, because of our capitalist society, competition in the home-delivery pizza market is quite healthy. I never had to call the same place twice and risk being caught.
Because I couldn't afford to eat three times a day I had to hide the pizza in the coolest place I could find, (did I mention that all of this took place during the damn hottest summer I've ever experienced? Hottest before coming to Iraq that is.) and visit it periodically to eat.
I had no electricity and therefore couldn't keep cool during the heat of the day. The best thing I could do was to sit in the stifling and smelly basement. I also had limited access to water, and changes of clothes, so let's just say I was a bit aromatic myself.
On the other hand, being homeless gives you plenty of free time. I got a library card and spent as much time in the air-conditioned building as they would tolerate. And although I wasn't 21 yet, I could sometimes get my hands on some wine, (amazing how bums love to drink the wine, isn't it? I couldn't really stand the stuff myself, but it gave me something to do with all that wonderful free time I had) to pass the time.
Anyway, my point is, that although I was homeless and not simply poor, I would have had a damn hard time trying to flee the city if a killer hurricane was on it's way.
So next time you pass by a homeless person sunning himself on the street, don't give him any money, he's just going to waste it on Thunderbird Wine. Give it to me instead, because I think those goons from Dominos' and Pizza Hut are finally closing in, and I don't know if I can cover all those damn pepperoni pizzas I bought.
And after all, since charity does begin at my home, I'll be glad to give you directions.
Sure are a lot of hungry people in the world. Ever notice that? Poor people too. Man, they're everywhere. This makes me sad. I'm not saying I have it so great, (I am in the army after all) but I still, literally, have it better than billions of people. Where am I going with this? Well, never let it be said there wasn't at least, (at most really) one altruistic bone in my body.
I think that we should go forth into the world and make it a better place for everybody. And even though I'm an American, (though not as patriotic as I should be) I don't believe that making the world a better place means forcing my idea of peace and democracy upon the unfortunate natives of varied and foreign lands.
Nope, the policy of our insane, yet well-meaning, (they mean to become richer at the expense of everybody else) American government, is not my policy. I am a firm believer that charity starts at home. My home to be exact. Give me money!
Seriously though, I'm sure that no matter what part of the country, (I'm guessing all the readers live in America, I don't think Eighty-Four Glyde has gone global yet, but next time you're in a seedy hostel in eastern Slovakia drop my name and they'll give you the Eli Roth special package) there's at least one area where poor people are forced to reside, (if you're living in the Midwest and you're reading this column, you're probably one of those people, I'm looking in your direction Ohio!)
"Why don't these poor people just get jobs?" Those less intelligent and thoughtful of you might be asking. "Why don't you stop being so ugly and stupid you ugly stupidhead?!" I might eloquently respond.
Some people are way to glib. Wanna hear something that's funny in its pitifulness? After Katrina hit, one person asked me why all the poor black people didn't leave. I said it was because they were too poor to afford the means of transportation to get their black asses the hell out of the way. She said that they shouldn't have been poor.
I pondered this. According to her logic, because a person is poor, that person deserves to be at the mercy because they didn't have the foresight. Interesting isn't it?
I did the whole homeless thing once. Just for a little while. It wasn't fun. I had no money for food. Every so often I'd go to a pay phone call up a pizza joint and have them deliver a pizza to a house where I would sleep in the stone cellar, (that cellar, by the way, is where the owners of the house would let their dog do its business. They never bothered to house-train the damn thing, they'd just throw it in the cellar until it was finished). I'd pay by check because I knew that by the time it bounced I'd have eaten the pizza. Luckily, because of our capitalist society, competition in the home-delivery pizza market is quite healthy. I never had to call the same place twice and risk being caught.
Because I couldn't afford to eat three times a day I had to hide the pizza in the coolest place I could find, (did I mention that all of this took place during the damn hottest summer I've ever experienced? Hottest before coming to Iraq that is.) and visit it periodically to eat.
I had no electricity and therefore couldn't keep cool during the heat of the day. The best thing I could do was to sit in the stifling and smelly basement. I also had limited access to water, and changes of clothes, so let's just say I was a bit aromatic myself.
On the other hand, being homeless gives you plenty of free time. I got a library card and spent as much time in the air-conditioned building as they would tolerate. And although I wasn't 21 yet, I could sometimes get my hands on some wine, (amazing how bums love to drink the wine, isn't it? I couldn't really stand the stuff myself, but it gave me something to do with all that wonderful free time I had) to pass the time.
Anyway, my point is, that although I was homeless and not simply poor, I would have had a damn hard time trying to flee the city if a killer hurricane was on it's way.
So next time you pass by a homeless person sunning himself on the street, don't give him any money, he's just going to waste it on Thunderbird Wine. Give it to me instead, because I think those goons from Dominos' and Pizza Hut are finally closing in, and I don't know if I can cover all those damn pepperoni pizzas I bought.
And after all, since charity does begin at my home, I'll be glad to give you directions.
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