Psssssssst! Hey, you there? Yeah, you there, the one with the face, and ummm…the teeth. Are they gone yet? You know who I’m talking about. The “Resolutioners.” Those sad sacks who follow the annual tradition of making lofty, noble goals at the beginning of each calendar year, only to discover that it’s easier to just be lazy and blame society for all their woes instead. Those people. They’re your friends, your loved ones, your coworkers. Pity them with a moment of silence, then follow me.
Guys (and dolls) if you’re going to make behavioral changes for the future, make them good, valuable and most importantly, fun, for you and those around you. And unlike them ”Resolutioners,” you’ll not only be able to keep these up all year, but you’ll create a sense of wonder and excitement doing them!
• Initiate text conversations with people. Make sure to respond to texts as quickly as possible, to keep the flow going smoothly. As soon as your conversation partners asks a question, ignore them for two and a half hours before responding. They’ll appreciate the level of suspense you injected into an otherwise monotonous social interaction.
• Whenever somebody is taking a picture of you, don’t smile. Don’t make a face either. Not only is it unoriginal, it’s too gauche. Leave that to kids, and ugly people (who aren’t making faces, they just can’t help it.) But don’t just stand there like a chump either.
Instead, set your gaze to the left, or the right. Just a little off from the photographer. Almost as if there’s an imaginary person taking a picture a few feet to the side of the real photographer. Give people minutes of fun, decades later, as they wonder just what the hell is going on next to the cameraman that’s caught your attention. This is also the key plot point to The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Now people will think you’re an avid reader!
• When people make any kind of declaration or give you any kind of news, be it the best thing you’ve ever heard (they’re making an Evil Dead TV show!) or the worst, (there’s such a person as Kanye West!) have whatever the appropriate response is, but make absolutely no facial expression. Keep it neutral. Resting Apathy Face. Express yourself verbally. This will keep your visage wrinkle-free when you’re older.
• Pick a common word. Any one will do. Like “sassafras” or “fiduciary*” Spend the next year mispronouncing it. See how long it takes somebody to correct you. Will it be a friend, or a stranger? You may be pleasantly surprised. You can also use this exercise as a way to drop unhelpful people from your life.
• Go to the gym on a regular basis. But only exercise one part of your body. Be it your right ankle, or your left butt cheek, or your neck. Have fun with it!
• Start a social media campaign to have Betty White star in a “leaked” sex video. Encourage others to join in and spread the word. Her career needs a boost. Who will she star with? The power to choose is yours.
• Get a Twitter account, if you don’t already have one. For the next year, only tweet about things you see that are orange. At year’s end, sell the concept of this account to NBC so they can make a sitcom about it, starring Kelsey Grammar.
Try one, or more, of these out and you’ll be surprised by how quickly you’ll see results. Also, probably therapists. You may end up seeing a lot of therapists.
*I use these words at least twice a day. Maybe more if I’m feeling bawdy.