Saturday, August 23, 2014

Two Tears in a Bucket

“Forget how big the universe is. Forget the cosmos and your size relative to the size of a planet. Forget about the spaces between stars being so large that we have to measure them by time instead of distance.

“There’s nothing like the ending of a relationship to make you realize how incredibly small, insignificant and pointless your existence is. Why? Well, all that universe shit is far too abstract for most of us to wrap our stupid monkey brains around anyway. Let those things keep Neil DeGrasse* Tyson’s genius ass up at night. Love and breakups on the other hand, they have far more power in making us evaluate our place in the world.

“Pain is one of the few things in the world that people are not stingy about sharing. Hell, misery loves to watch Three’s Company, as that famous saying goes. And when relationships end, we try our best to spread that misery around. Unfortunately, nobody’s buying. First of all, it’s depressing. People who have just gotten out of relationships are depressing to be around. Not to mention monotonous. Everything reminds them of something. Secondly, no matter how important that relationship was to a person, no matter how life-encompassing, it doesn’t matter to anybody else (except for offspring and maybe the next person in line to get up in dem guts). Every aspect of your love life, from how you met, to your pet names for each other, to your inevitable breakup, has been seen, felt, (and dealt), heard of and experienced so many times that your own personal experience is just another drop in the ocean.

“Think about it. Why are we all here on this planet?** What is our purpose? Our raison-d’ĂȘtre? Many people would say that it’s to find a mate, reproduce and carry on our genes and innate love of cheesesteaks. So, people go out, find other people, date, marry, go on American Ninja Warrior, divorce, and so on. And each part of that process weaves itself into the warp and weft of that individual’s life. It makes up who they are and becomes a footnote in the definition of their very being.

“And it doesn’t mean dick to anybody outside of that relationship.

“Instead, we save our caring for the great, idealized (and most importantly) fictional loves throughout history. That’s why Romeo & Juliet represent the archetype of love and relationships (including the requisite tragic ending, because even on the subconscious, idealized level, we all realize that if LOVE is involved, then things can’t end well). And if you’re not a fan of those two, there’s Carrie and Mr. Big, Tristan & Isolde, Bridget Jones and her diary, Mr. Grey and ties, Martin and Riggs, etc. Don’t even get me started on Edward and Bella. (Because I have absolutely no clue what any of that junk is about.)

“Your story? Probably heard it before. Nothing new. It’s really one of those ‘you had to be there’ kind of deals for it to mean something more to people. Don’t get me wrong, nobody likes it when relationships end. You’ll get a sympathy pat on the back, a ‘buck-up-there-are-other-fish-in-the-sea’ smile and maybe even share a remorseful tear or two with your more empathetic friend. But don’t get it twisted. This pain is your own personal ride and others won’t join you on it. So while your world may be falling apart, and tissues pile up in your garbage can and your television shoots itself rather than play Dirty Dancing again, the rest of the world will move on, same as it always did, regardless of your own anguish and struggles. Uncaring, unmoved and unfazed.

“Which can result in making you feel small, short-lived and pointless.”

“So you’re saying I should go ahead and get a third scoop of ice cream?”

“Yes.”

*Insert non-Drake related joke here about bad Canadian television show, when you can think of one. It’ll be a hilarious wink for the one person who gets it, therefore validating your creativity and humor.

** 42

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