Friday, May 15, 2009

Wanna go see a movie?

Then you should read the latest installment of: Reviews of Movies I haven’t seen yet. It’s been awhile since my last review entry and I felt like I should share my expert advice with the two and a half people who still read this damn thing. These are all movies that are being released today. Ready? Groovy.

Angels & Demons
, (P.G.-13): Starring Forrest Gump and Obi Wan Kenobi, Angels & Demons is the prequel (at least the book it was based on was a prequel. I’m not too sure what they’ll do with the movie) to Dan Brown’s controversial (and trite) novel The DaVinci Code. This time around, Tom Hanks and his goofy hair are wandering around Vatican City trying to fight the Illuminati, (the secret cabal, not one of the 8 thousand albums that Tupac released after his death) for purposes that escape me for the moment, but I believe have something to do with the Pope and anti-matter.

Like the previous movie, Angels & Demons is full of secrets, pseudo-religious mumbo jumbo and questionable historical accuracy. You can be sure for an M. Night Shaymalan-style twist at the end where you find out that somebody you thought was the good guy is actually just an imaginary haunted soda can or something like that. If you enjoy being one of those people who gets their information solely from what they see on tv or in movies, and completely believes what they’re told without doing any research on their own, then this could be the movie for you!

Anvil! The Story of Anvil (Not Rated): Anvil! (By the way, never trust a movie with an exclamation point in the title) is the documentary of some rock band from the 70s or 80s or whatever, who are trying to regain the fame they used to have (or think they used to have) back in the day, while battling the fact that they’re a bunch of old, depressing farts who should have just gone out and bought fast cars for their midlife crises, instead of fooling themselves into thinking anybody missed their music.

If you like documentaries about people you’ve never heard of, but that the director is desperate for you to know about, then this is right up your alley. But if you’re a fan of music then you might want to skip this movie, because it might kill any chance rock had of making a mainstream comeback. Of course if Jack Black were in the flick, that’d be a different story. But he’s not, so don’t waste your money.

Management (R): This is a romantic comedy with Steve Zahn and Jennifer Aniston. Firstly, since I have a penis I can already tell you that I’m personally not going to waste my time going to a romantic comedy. Secondly, since it has a pairing that makes no sense (Steve Zahn and Jennifer Aniston? I haven’t seen such a mismatch since Clerks II, where Brian O’Halloran ended up with Rosario Dawson. Blasphemy!) I will have to pass on this movie. Thirdly, Jennifer Aniston is overrated and not funny, which is also why I won’t go see this movie.

Since this is a romantic comedy, it doesn’t require a plot. All you need to know is that the protagonists meet in some kind of oddball way in the beginning and it probably ends with somebody running through an airport looking like a total doofus. Don’t go!

There aren’t that many movies coming out this week, so I’ll finish with a flick that’s already out but I haven’t seen, because it looks lame,

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (P.G.-13): I will admit right off the bat, I’m not an X-Men fan. I find them all to be a big bunch of whiners and it’s really nothing more than a soap opera with super powers.

That said, X-Men Origins: Wolverine stars Hugh Jackman as an Australian/Canadian mutant with facial hair problems and pointy knuckle bones. He lives for a long time and enjoys fighting. He fights mutants, he fights regular people, he fights the power, he fights his brother and he fights for his right to party. Along the way he hangs out with from the Black Eyed Peas, and manages to not punch him in the face for all the crap music he’s released this decade. There’s probably a plot in there somewhere, but since the fanboys are going to the theater to either love or loath the big screen version of their favorite “hero”, the plot doesn’t really matter. Hell, the whole movie doesn’t matter. Save your money and go to a nearby field to watch grass grow. It’s cheaper and probably more interesting.

That’s it from the balcony this week, (can I be sued for using that line? I’d hate to fight Ebert in court. Unless he’s dead, in which case, bring it on!). Join me next time when I do a review of operas I haven’t seen, (here’s a hint: it’s all of them!)

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