Sunday, July 27, 2008

Hot sheets: Why waste money on repairs? And you thought you had a drinking problem!

The hot sheets are back friends, here to keep you informed as to the real news that matters.

Our first story is from the great state of Wisconsin! (Motto: Do we really like cheese that much?) Starring my new hero: 56 year-old Keith Walendowski.

On Friday, the Associated Press reported that the Milwaukee man was angry because he couldn’t start his Lawn Boy lawn mower Wednesday morning. So, he did what any sensible man would do, and something most of us have always wanted to do: he got his shotgun, or rifle (how could the cops not tell which one it is? Isn’t that kind of their job?) and shot the shit out of his lawn mower. Yeah! Take that you stupid machine! That’s what you get. And if you don’t shape up toaster, you’re next! And don’t think I don’t have my eye on you dryer. One more damp load after 50 minutes and I’m dropping you off the roof!

Don’t even get me started on my laptop. No death is good enough for that piece of crap.

According to the article, “a woman who lives at Walendowski’s house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated.” Isn’t that always the way? A guy is trying to have a little fun, take out his frustration in a constructive manner, and some broad wants to put an end to all that. She’s a jerk! And what kind of description is “a woman who lives at Walendowski’s house”? Is she some random lady who pays rent? Is she related to him? His wife? This AP article isn’t very well written.

So, because Mrs. Wet Blanket called the cops on Keith, my hero was charged with felony possession of a weapon and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed.
My main man Keith’s response to the police about the situation was both rational and well thought out.

“I can do that. It’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want,” he said.

If I’m not mistaken, that’s the very basis of this country’s foundation. Sadly, the fascist pigs didn’t see it that way and arrested the guy. He could face a $11,000 fine and six years in prison if convicted.

Next time, I suggest using a knife, Keith. Go for the quiet kill.


The next story comes from Providence, Rhode Island. On Tuesday an unnamed man, (though I’d like to think that his name has got to be something like Man McManlyman, Dirk Kill Liver or Chuck Norris) was arrested after driving into a highway message board on Interstate 95.

When the cops made him do a breathalyzer, they all shit bricks and instantly bowed down to worship him as their new god, because his Blood Alcohol Content registered as a .491!

Think about that for a moment. His BAC was almost 50% alcohol. Legally .08 is the legal limit in R.I. and almost every other state. A BAC of .3 is classified as “stupor,” .4 is “comatose,” and .5 is DEAD!

This guy shouldn’t have been able to breathe, let alone fight off a contingent of police trying to haul him off to jail. But he did both. He might not have been fully coherent, but he was living! And probably invincible if he’s anything like me when I’ve been drinking.

The cops took him to Rhode Island Hospital where he was put in detox and sedated, (though with that much booze in his system he’d be plenty sedated in a few hours anyway.)

"Our only assumption could be that the person has a serious alcohol problem," Maj. Steven O'Donnell (cop spokesperson, I guess) said. "The person's lucky they survived. There's no doubt he would have gotten killed or killed someone if he had continued on the route he was taking."

I think they’re just jealous. At least they stopped him before he drunk dialed. We all know how embarrassing that can be.

That’s it for this week’s Eighty-Four Glyde hot sheets. Join me next week when I find more ridiculous stories about how people live. What an amazing world we inhabit, no?

1 comment:

Frankfurt Freddie said...

You're hilarious.