7:00 a.m. – Wake up naturally. My finely tuned military instincts allow me to wake up within 15 minutes of whatever time I want to wake up. I’m just that good.
7:01 a.m. – Turn on t.v. start the day off right by watching cartoons. During commercials switch to Japanese porn, never question how weird that is.
7:45 a.m. – Take shower. Play bathroom radio really loudly in hopes of annoying neighbors. Why? Because I’m evil.
8:20 a.m. – Drive to work. Deal with rising blood pressure due to the amount of terrible drivers in the D.C. area. Cuss loudly at nobody. Wave and smile at people who cut me off, just to confuse them.
9:00 a.m. – Start the work day. Prepare for a long day of intense boredom followed by long stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens. Cry softly to myself in my cubicle because I’m still working like a regular person instead of being the rich and famous writer I planned to be by now. Wonder if Britney is in the market for another boy toy husband. Send her my resume.
9:01 a.m. – Check Myspace page. Feel bad that people are too dumb to see Eighty-Four Glyde for the work of art that it is.
9:24 a.m. – Wander around the office with a notebook and pen in my hand as if I’m doing some sort of work.
9:45 a.m. – Check Myspace page.
10:12 a.m. – Multitask. Hold three IM conversations and one text conversation all with chicks and all at the same time.
10:38 a.m. – Consider actually doing work at some point. Decide against it.
11:14 a.m. – Concoct overly elaborate and needlessly complicated plot to destroy coworker. Abandon plan due to laziness. Spend rest of day growling and muttering indistinctly under breath whenever that coworker is around.
11:53 a.m. - Check Myspace page.
12:03 p.m. - Go to bathroom for a short nap.
12:48 p.m. – Play 10 games of solitaire for 15 minutes. Never win.
1:03 p.m. – Lunch time! Rifle through office fridge and eat food that isn’t mine. Watch cartoons on my computer.
1:27 p.m. – Spend ten minutes lamenting writing that damn blog about the 46 women from my past.
1:37 p.m. – Check Myspace page
2:00 p.m. – Lunch ends. Continue to watch cartoons on the computer for another 30 minutes or until I’m caught, whichever comes first.
2:34 p.m. – Spend five minutes straight just staring at a (female) coworker’s booty. Become lost in a fantasy and don’t notice that everybody in the office is now staring at me and my massive erection.
3:11 p.m. – Check my damn Myspace page again!
3:33 p.m. – Realize that there’s an hour and a half left of work left. Begin clock watching.
4:02 p.m. – More solitaire!
4:20 p.m. – You know what’s up.
4:49 p.m. – Start fidgeting like a rich kid on Christmas Eve.
5:00:01 p.m. – Run out of office. Piss on receptionist’s desk on the way out just to mark my territory. Laugh evily.
5:05 p.m. – Stop by liquor store on way home. Pretend not to notice the bums outside who see me coming and shake their heads ruefully. Your intervention didn’t work turkeys!
5:30 p.m. – Arrive home. Immediately turn on some cartoons and pour myself two fingers of booze. Remove all clothing except for boxers.
5:35 p.m. – Check Myspace page, (this time, from my home computer!)
5:36 p.m. – Spend the next forty or so minutes trying to find some free Japanese porn online. Always get directed to some kind of Japanese scat site.
6:00 p.m. – Turn on that bubbly bitch Rachel Ray and begin cooking dinner.
6:30 p.m. – Thank firemen for their prompt response time and promise to never again try to cook a pound of bacon in the toaster oven.
8:00 p.m. – Watch my man Alton Brown cook up some Good Eats.
8:30 p.m. – As the alcohol kicks in, become super dramatic and start to weep uncontrollably into hands about lost love.
8:45 p.m. – Send first drunk text of the night. Doesn’t matter to whom it’s sent, though it’s usually to a chick.
9:32 p.m. – Check Myspace page for the last time, (of the day.)
10:00 p.m. – Watch cartoons for another hour or so. Continue to send drunken texts to people.
11:00 p.m. – Pass out. Hopefully in my own bed, hopefully not while soiled in any way.
7:00 a.m. – Start the whole bloody business all over again!