Friday, November 17, 2006

Help people, don’t annoy them

I’m sitting here in my apartment, trying to find the ultimate in Amish-Midget-Donkey porn online, when a commercial catches my eye. It’s another in the long and frustrating series of commercials by a group that I like to call “beating you over the head with the truth until you want to”

You might be familiar with these people, they stage public events and demonstrations to show just how naughty cigarette-smoking is. Many of these commercials feature hip and attractive young people taking their displeasure at the very idea of smoking cigarettes to the world by putting piles of body bags outside of a tobacco company, or physically attacking and maiming innocent smokers on the streets of random cities. Well, they don’t actually attack anybody, but I think they’d get their point across better if they did.

The problem with most of the commercials these guys do, (actually all of the commercials) is that this organization chooses the worst ways to explain just how much they don’t dig on cigarettes. They end up coming across more as annoying jerks than people out to do the public good. They’re the kind of people that you wouldn’t invite to a party because they’d spend the whole time hassling the other guests about something and justifying it by saying that it’s for their (the other guests) own good.

I feel kinda bad for the people at “nobody cares about the” because even though they’re winning the battle to outlaw cigarettes, they’re doing it the wrong way. Everybody knows cigarettes are bad, we all know they have toxins and chemicals and radioactive material and whatnot that isn’t the best stuff to be around because they cause birth defects, cancer horrible mutations and conversions to Scientology. Yet this group insists on telling us this stuff constantly, as if we’re all relatives of George W. or something (ooh, that was a low blow wasn’t it? I mean, there are plenty of people stupider than him, like Jessica Simpson, Tom Cruise and, ummm, that one person I don’t like because she did that thing that one time.)

Check this out, in the second sentence of the last paragraph, I summed up, in only 38 words, (I think, my math really sucks, when I was counting I ran out of fingers and toes at 20 and had to guess the rest of the numbers) the entire point that “smoking isn’t so” has been trying to make for years. There! It’s done! They can retire and go annoy people about other things! I’ve got a great mission for them. As a left-handed person I am forced to live in a world that is not made for me. Scissors, school desks, M-249 machine guns, all of those things are made for you right-handed spawn of Satan. This group could do some shady medical studies about how having to cope with this mad mad mad mad mad mad world has caused severe suffering for my tendons or something. Not to mention emotional damage.

Then, if they’re successful, we could sue just about every company in the world and force things to be more equalitarian for us southpaws. Because when you think about it, we’re the last unrepresented minority group. It really will be a matter of time until something goes down. With so many causes being taken up by groups and celebrities, there’s barely any causes left to champion.

And I’ve got a great idea for the commercials. We could have members of (you like that?) go up to random people on the streets of cities, towns and villages across America (does America even have villages?) and slap them in the face with their right hands. Then, some guy holding a piece of paper that looks like an official document, with various sentences blacked out to make it look like somebody’s trying to hide something from regular Joe American, can say how those slaps would be less painful if people were forced to use their left hands more. Then we’d throw some “stats” up on the screen, without citing any sources (sources? We don’t need no stinkin’ sources!) about how people are forced to use their right hands too much and that they are much stronger than their puny, underdeveloped left hands. And if certain laws were passed, everybody would have to use only their left hands for five years or so, just until both sides were equal.

I think that message is strong and will definitely bring out all types of legislation for change. So join me, in giving left-handed slaps more strength! Our motto? “Keep your left pimp hand strong!”

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